How to find a proper relationship at 35?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

ilikeautumn :  Just reading your post was exhausting. I second a bee who said you may be putting off a desperate vibe. You seriously need to relax. Nothing will turn a guy off faster than the smell of desperation in the air. You will end up with the worst kinds of guys if you dont tone it down. 

As for the online dating, you talked about guys viewing your profile but not talking with you, well what about you? Did you click on some profiles and not talk to them either? 

Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result. So you have a twofold problem.

Everything thus far has not worked, so stop doing it.  Next you are an introvert who is verging on desperation for a relationship. So as an introvert you probably also put off a vibe that says Im shy dont talk to me. As evidenced by your activities. Yoga is a quiet no talk activity.

Crowds are not your thing you say? That might be the very thing you need to get into to open up a world of dating. So yes if everything you have done up til this point isnt working then its insanity to keep doing it. Change what you are doing. Find a single friend and go to a club, you dont have to hook up with someone but at least you will see a larger pool.  Go to a concert, go be among people. Take part in activities that put you in contact with people where talking is necessary.  

Try a sporting activity. Get outside of your comfort zone. No one wants to enter a relationship with someone who is putting off the desperate vibe and no one wants to enter a relationship with someone who has a deer in the headlights look of an introvert. You arent putting yourself out there…which makes me think something is holding you back. 

Post # 20
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Yes, meetup.com is worldwide. I met my boyfriend through a Meetup hiking group, and many other couples have met through my hiking group as well. I also made new friends of both sexes through the group, so it isn’t solely good for dating, but also good for making friends. Check it out – there are groups that cover all types of interests. Or, if there aren’t any Meetup groups that strike your fancy, ditto to what someone else said – take a cooking class, join a book club, volunteer somewhere, etc. Don’t do something you’re not interested in, but do try something new that you ARE interested in.

Post # 20
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

I want to say that 35 is really not very old. You are still young. Some people meet their partners later in life, so try not to see the fact that you haven’t met your “One” yet as a failure. Marriages after the age of 30 have a higher chance of success, and all of the life and relationship experience you have gone through should serve you well when choosing a partner.

That said, I think the biggest thing that needs to change, from reading your post/s, is your attitude. You are so keen to give up on things because they don’t deliver the results you want right when you expect them to. I picked up so many self-defeating comments in your posts, and I guarantee you these are what are causing your low success rates. You join a dating site and then notice how the good quality guys are “snatched up.” Well guess what? This is how dating sites work. You stick it out, because if one or two guys leave the site, another one will be along in half an hour. It’s a numbers game. Also, guys aren’t messaging you? Well then you message them! Send them a quick message expressing interest in something in their profile. You have literally nothing to lose.

And what’s with this taking it so personally that guys are looking at your profile but not contacting you? There could be a hundred different reasons for this. These guys don’t know you at all, so you cannot feel rejected by this. You need a MUCH thicker skin than this for online dating and stop taking it all so personally, because it isn’t. If you contact a guy and he doesn’t get back to you, or if you have one date with a guy and don’t hear from him again, your attitude should be “Oh well, moving on.” There are plenty more fish in the sea, even in your 30s, I can promise you. Try not to get so hung up on it all; that is the beauty of online dating. If one guy doesn’t pan out, there are always others.

And try dating apps like Tinder and Bumble. I have met some lovely guys on there (I am 36). The guy I am dating now is someone I met on Tinder. There are many couples in my social circle who met their partners on one of these apps – a few of them are married now. Be very discerning about who you talk to and go out with – only guys who are relationship oriented with no obvious red flags – but it’s a great way to meet lots of guys. Again, just have a very “what happens, happens” attitude towards it and don’t take it too personally. You will kill yourself if you take online dating/dating app dating too seriously, and there is no need for that. It’s just a fun and easy way to meet people, and your self-esteem should not be wrapped up in it.

Give things more of a chance and don’t give up so easily – persevere with online dating, dating apps, meet-ups, parties, hobby clubs (like hiking/photography clubs etc.), coffee shops… anywhere you like to go. Just keep putting yourself out there. Guys will show up, it’s the law of numbers.

Learn how to flirt and be a bit more obvious about your interest in guys (without overdoing it). If there’s a guy you like, be playful – touch his arm, compliment him, drop hints about something you’d like to go to that you think he might like, look into his eyes and smile, put the effort in with your appearance… it’s really very easy when you practice.

Finally, learn how to really love the life you’ve got outside of a relationship. Have interests, hobbies and friends so that you have something to talk about on dates and can be a great conversationalist. Nothing is more attractive than someone who loves their own life and is comfortable and happy in their own skin.

Post # 21
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

…You are looking at this wayyyy too methodically lol. Just like everyone else said, there isn’t a step-by-step guide to lead you to your soulmate; you just have to keep putting yourself out there! Get out of the house, spend your energy on doing things vs. wishing for things. I know you don’t want to hear it, because I sure didn’t, but that’s literally all there is to it.

And don’t forget: Love is chaotic, random, and usually not what you expect it to be!

Post # 24
Member
2517 posts
Sugar bee

1. You can’t take rejection personally when it comes to dating. Taking it personally is a recipe for disaster. Think about how many roles actors audition for before they get offered a part; even for the most talented and beautiful actors, it’s often dozens or sometimes even hundreds of auditions just to land a role in a dumb commercial. But the good news is, it doesn’t mean much. They weren’t rejected all those times because they weren’t good enough or pretty enough or whatever (at a certain level, they’re all gorgeous and at least moderately capable behind a camera), it’s usually just that the casting director went in with a very specific idea in mind (heck, sometimes with the role already cast!) and is waiting for someone to meet those specific criteria. Those criteria aren’t representative of a value judgment; they’re totally subjective. Dating is the same. People’s dating criteria are SO individual. You can’t be offended by not being picked. 

2. You have to reframe dating to make it fun. Go in with low expectations, and suggest date activities that you actually enjoy and would want to do regardless. Last time I was single, I made it an assignment for myself to go on 1 date/week. I met the guys online/through apps, and I wasn’t interested in having long message exchanges and investing in anyone before meeting up (because in my experience people can be totally different in person and it’s not worth investing before meeting someone face-to-face). My rule was that I’d agree to go on a date with anyone who didn’t have any obvious red flags, who I could imagine possibly being attracted to based on their photos (because it’s impossible to tell from photos anyway), and who was intellectually curious. There was never pressure for any one of these guys to be the one, because I usually already had another date set up anyway. Making it low-pressure meant I could relax and be myself. Agreeing to activities I’d want to do anyway (even if it was just having a drink at a bar I’d never been to in a cool part of town) meant that even if the date was bad, it wasn’t a total bust because I’d still done something new or interesting. 

3. You might be too picky. Take chances on guys you might be writing off for minor reasons–not saying to ignore red flags, but if you’re weeding someone out because of his receding hairline or whatever, stop. Try going on a date. It’s just a date, it doesn’t have to lead anywhere, but you might end up being surprised. 

4. Pursue hobbies and do things you enjoy, spend time with friends, and work on being the best self you can be. Not because you might meet someone doing those things, but because those things will make your life richer and more interesting, and make you happier. People want to be with other people who have rich, fulfilling lives. If you can’t be happy on your own, then you probably can’t be happy in a relationship. So you should work on those things now and keep investing in them even after you’re in a relationship, because relationships where your partner is 100% of your focus aren’t healthy either. Now, I’m not saying that you need to stop wanting a relationship. I’m just saying it shouldn’t be your sole focus and you should direct energy to other areas of your life too.

5. Reevaluate your strategy with dating. Are you putting forward the best representation of yourself online? Are you sending messgaes to the people you find desirable? When you go out places, are you waiting for someone to approach you, or are you actively approaching people? Now, I get it — I’m an introvert too, and I hate approaching people. I didn’t send out very many messages online and I didn’t get responses to all the ones I did send out. I basically never approached people in real life, but I kept hoping someone would come up to me in a coffee shop or book store and ask me out — and you know what, it *never* happened. I don’t think I’ve EVER been approached by a normal, nice-looking guy in person and asked out. That’s why online dating was great. And apps were even better, because most of them only allow users who have already “liked” each other to message. Beyond that, if you’re not getting very many hits on your dating profile, have a friend look at it for you (or post it for us to critique). It’s possible your tone isn’t sending out the best signal, or that your pictures aren’t doing you justice. Amy Webb has some good advice on this: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating

 

Post # 25
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

ilikeautumn :  Hi there! I have been to Prague it is absolutely beautiful there. I would like to visit again I did a bar crawl there there were lots of single men, some very handsome and wealthy BUT it was a bar crawl and there were LOTS of people so if that’s not your thing, I totally understand. 

I know Prague has some beer fests/food fests/craft fests and there are definitely some single men there so I would check that out. Some people around but not too crazy/not too big of groups. 

No, I would not suggest doing something you don’t like. Perhaps you could try a new sport that you might have interest in like rock climbing. That is a good one to meet men and it is a solo sport. You could find a cute guy to help you train. ;P 

Sporting events you could go to. Try to go to low cost/no cost frisbee events etc. Many men enjoy sports. 

If you enjoy reading (I do too), you could try going to book faires and local reading events with author signings, etc. 

Check out your local newspaper to see what kind of activities are going on in your town. 

Good luck to you!! 

Post # 26
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Meeting people is ridiculously hard, especially when you get to your late twenties and beyond. It seems like everyone today is linking up a lot quicker and they’re either really happy with their choices or they’re settling. Anyone you meet in your age range is likely to come with a barrel full of drama from ex wives, “love of their life” high school/college girlfriends who got away, consummate bachelors who wouldn’t grow up if you put a gun to their head and who will say anything for another conquest to children. (Which is great if that’s what you want but my idea of a good time isn’t stepping into a ready-made family with baby mama drama, because let’s face it, there will be drama at SOME point because they will forever be linked by the kids.)

I know that I met my SO just before I turned twenty six and I got EXTREMELY lucky. We met at work, which we were both hesitant about as we’d been bitten by that bug before, and the one thing that helped us was being straight up, one hundred percent with each other. From the moment we started talking there was no bullshit; we’d both been there before and we were thoroughly exhausted with the whole dating song and dance. You meet someone, “get to know them”, or who you think they are, there’s a million promises that get made and it usually ends in heartbreak because the other person isn’t being completely honest for whatever reason. 

That’s probably my only advice really, and I know that doesn’t help, but just lay it all on the table. I know I put my SO thru the ringer when we got together because there was no small talk and “what’s your favorite color?” and all that other shit. In fact one of our very first conversations, right before we started ‘talking’, was about what it would take for either of us to be in a relationship again and what we wanted out of a relationship.

Some people could say we moved rather quickly – he was a mainstay at my house after the third night we hung out, he met my brother (who is my only remaining family) after a month, we ‘officially’ moved in together at ten months and we even had a tentative marriage timeline (which is after we close on a house) at just a couple of months in – but I think a lot of it is because we KNEW what we wanted out of being together. 

Also, don’t worry about when you’ll meet someone, okay? That’s the quickest route to wasting your time on people who aren’t worthwhile just because they’re ‘interested’ and you think they might be ‘the one.’ Don’t settle just because you’re worried you won’t find someone. There are worse things in life than being alone. (Not to mention that the anxiousness makes you look desperate.)

Post # 27
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I met my huband online when I was 37.  I have to say, I think online is your best bet–that’s where a LOT of single guys are, obviously.  Get on all the free sites and go for it.  Revamp your profile and have a guy friend check it out.   Get some good pictures taken.  I’d actually be happy to help you with your profile if you want–i had MANY men tell me they messaged me because my profile was good and positive.  I met several quality men.

 

And the whole “be happy with yourself and don’t try so hard” is BS.  Relationships are like many other things–set a goal and go after it.  If you want to be married, put energy into it.  It’s okay to want to be coupled.  It’s okay to not be “happy alone.”  It’s just okay.  Yeah, if you’re wallowing, that’s no good.  No one likes a whiner.  But it’s okay to want to find someone.

Post # 28
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It sounds like you haven’t really tried the hobbies route. There are plenty of hobbies with significant male participation that aren’t about being loud and extroverted. What sort of stuff would you like to do with your partner on the weekends? Do that now. Take a language class, do some volunteer work, whatever.

If you literally can’t think of any interests that you might share with a man, then it’s probably not the time to be looking for a relationship. Focus on yourself and on exploring things that you might enjoy.

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