How to find a proper relationship at 35?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2518 posts
Sugar bee

ilikeautumn :  Haha. There will always be boring, unpleasant, unattractive people in relationships too, but I don’t think you should aspire to that. wink  People typically pair off with others they are usually with people at a similar level of desirability, and I’m assuming you aren’t willing to settle for someone you consider boring either. 

Post # 34
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

I was in a relationship with a guy since I was 13 and we broke up in my early twenties. I felt that finding a comapatible guy was difficult. But I actually didn’t look for one. I spent a good number of years enjoying being single and finding out who I really am. I lived by myself with no room mates and LOVED IT A LOT! Years later I met a guy who is now my fiance. I was with him 7 years before we got engaged. So, I don’t feel like I put effort to find some one but I feel that I put effort in my relationship, and I will be putting effort into my marriage.

What worked for me was forgeting about a guy and spending quality time with me.  I never went after the idea of finding a guy. I had very good girl friends. I found hobbies that I loved and did them for me.  That way I attracted many guys and managed to choose from them. Just from reading your post you are trying so hard and one day you wil look back and regret the years that you spent feeling sorrowful when you could have been enjoying. 

Take it from some one who has been in a long term relationship, once you are in a realationship (no matter how great the relationship is) you miss some aspects of your single life like your privacy, not worrying about some one when they are late, etc. It doesn’t mean that you want to be single again (because being with the right guy is great) but you miss it a little. There are days I am over the moon with my fiance and I admit that there are few days when I want to ring his neck. But overall, the relationship is awesome.

I have a few friends who are in your shoes and they keep asking me what to do. They hate and ignore what I tell them. I truy think that you have to enjoy being by yourself before you attract some one to be with you. Being by yourself helps you love yourself, care about yourself and put yourself first. It makes you a happier and more independent person. It helps you understand who you truly are. Most importantly, it lets you become picky and not settle for the next guy that comes along. You don’t  take crap for any guy. I am not saying that the next guy should be George Clooney or Enrique Iglesias. But many girls in your shoes get excited about the next one and waste time with them. Also, when you meet a guy don’t just start thinking of him as a potential of being your boyfriend. Make guy friends and get to know what guys are like. 

Good luck bee with whatever you decide. 

Post # 35
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

ilikeautumn :  I’m 32, I get it. Don’t worry about those under experienced youngsters. We were all that age once. And by the way, 35 is REALLY young!! OKAY!!?? LOL And looks are NOT everything. 

I think you want a relationship that matters, for someone to see the real you, that you can have strong and deep conversations with. Dating someone just based on looks is so sad!! So don’t worry about that Bee 🙂 

Post # 37
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

ilikeautumn :  The ladies you meet at your activities can be a great source of referrals!  Forge some friendships and see if they know anyone for you.

Post # 38
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee

My answer to your question would be don’t give up. You will be knocked back but get yourself out there. As many PPs have said it will make it that much more difficult to meet anyone if you remain an introvert. So I would work hard on that part of my personality.

I asked my husband in his opinion what makes a woman attractive?  His response was what I think is fairly standard. Initially a nice smile and a confident attitude. Someone who looks comfortable in their own skin and is relaxed. Intelligence and an eagerness to try new things and explore. A woman that looks after herself ie. trying to keep healthy/ exercises and has hobbies and interests that they could talk about. He says women that are clingy or intense and have a desperate vibe were big turn offs to both him and his friends when they were still dating. Also women that spend an inordinate amount of time and money on their looks puts him off especially plastic surgery.

I have a friend who’s a nice looking woman. She was very specific about the men she wanted to date. They had to be tall with a thick dark of hair and physically very fit and confident. So those were the men she went out with for years. She met most of them at the gym or in running clubs , through friends etc. Slowly she matured and realised there needed to be more so she changed her viewpoint totally. She married a shyish man who was short and with thinning hair and slightly pudgy but they went to the gym together. She convinced him to shave his head and own that look, and now he is buff and confident and they adore each other. He’s introduced her to all kinds of new interests too.

So keep your options open and reach out and contact guys rather than waiting for them to contact you. Join a group where there will be more of a mixed bag of people as opposed to Yoga and cooking which are mostly women. Try something outside of your comfort zone. You may learn something about yourself. There are men out there looking for long term relationships too. Yes, at your age they will most likely come with some baggage but then most of us do. So don’t give up! Good luck!

Post # 39
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

ilikeautumn :  I was married for most of my 20s to an asshole who was abusive. I was married until I was 32. I divorced and remained single for 3 whole years. Not a date in sight and the ones I went on were horrible. Then along came my now husband. At 36 I married for the second time. Im now in my 40s and happily married. Please dont get caught up in the past a certain age it gets harder. 

There seems to be this stereotype that older people are boring and we arent. Now for hubby and I bars arent our scene but we go on trips, we vacation regularly, we play golf, we play tennis, we go to the gun range, we love checking out restaurants, murder mystery dinner theater.  He was divorced but there was no drama from it. It was just two people who got married and grew apart. Now we are married and we are looking forward to our next adventure. We are selling our home in a few years to travel around the world. 

Put yourself out there. Dont discount anyone at first glance unless they have huge red flags, go up to someone that you find attractive and ask them on a date. If they say no, then okay, but keep putting yourself out there. 

Post # 42
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

ilikeautumn :  Like I said: there are worse things than being alone. Like being ‘lonely’ with someone else. When you settle all you’re doing is possibly cutting yourself off from the person you were meant to be with.

Post # 43
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think you may be getting in your own way a bit. You have the stuff it takes, you just don’t have the confidence. The guy at work? Next time he’s single, ask HIM out. Don’t wait around, because you know he’ll date someone else.

You see a guy on the street that you think looks nice? Ask him for coffee. Be assertive. The worst they can say is no, and if you don’t ask, it’s the same difference. One thing I’ve learned about dating, you have to move fast. 

Post # 44
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I’m follwing this thread because I am 34 and my relationship with my boyfriend (who I thought would be the one) ended yesterday…so I am obviously new to the scene and not on the scene yet, but I can totally relate to the desire to be in a relationship and to the struggles of meeting quality guys.

Don’t beat yourself up, and if a guy catches your eye, make conversation with him somehow!

Here’s one of my little conversation starters that works pretty well just to break the ice….if I am out somewhere with my girlfriends, and see an attractive looking guy who I would like to learn more about, sometimes I will go up to him and ask him to take a picture of me and my friend with my phone.  Usually if he is at all interested, he will will strike up conversation, or I can also strike up conversation. Sometimes guys just need ANY sort of cue that you are interested, which can even just be a smile.  Finding a hot guy who isn’t carrying a 100 lb suitcase full of red flags is the hard part…

Post # 45
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

ilikeautumn :  I was still single when I was 30, and I was still happy and not worried. I was single and loving it for a long time, bee.  I found myself in a relationship when I was 31. I know it’s still younger than 35 but I would still have been happy at that age too (can’t prove it though). Most of my friends who are unwillingly single at 35 is because they wasted time when they were in their twenties and early thirites. That’s how I feel but I could be wrong of course. 

I think you should ask yourself why you want to be in a realtionship and asnwer it honestly. Many girls allow society to define them rather they defining themselves. Again, it’s only an opinion. I could be wrong. 

 

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