How to find a proper relationship at 35?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 48
354 posts
Helper bee

ilikeautumn :  I’m very methodical when it comes to career and dating approach and it worked well for me but like in career/university, I do not recommend people taking things/rejection personally.

If I applied and interviewed for a job and they did not offer me a job, I thank them and move on. If I send 20 applications and only received 5 callbacks, I move on.

The fact of the matter is, what makes a woman attractive is different at every age/stage of life (same with men), and the best strategy is to leverage your strength. 

The worst card to play is the desperate card. Employers/potential dates/business partners can smell desperation and you lose leveraging power.

Reading your post, I don’t know what advice you’re seeking, because you’ve exhausted all your options (within your comfort zone) and not willing to devolve into other hobbies or change your strategy to go outside of your comfort zone, so therapy is one option.

I’m a huge fan of online dating, as a methodical and process oriented and introverted person. I am also in my 30s, and want to settle down relatively quickly. Realizing time is my enemy, I have to play game of statistics. I also don’t wait for men to message me. You said yourself that the quality men get snapped up quickly. Its competitive market. I don’t text a whole lot, I usually set up to meet fairly quickly. Dating app is a way to screen candidates, first dates are interviews. I meet as many people I can, setting up 2-3 dates a week with multiple people. If it doesn’t work out, I thank them politely and move on. If I get rejected I move on. If we’ve established exclusivity, I stop dating other people.

Also, having a reasonable expectation is a must. This recent dating study of 186,000 people, shows that both men and women have a tendency to pursue people who are 25% out of their league (see Atlantic article or original study for their desirability rank). Most people end up messaging with people more or less of the same league, which the study implies that individuals are highly aware of their own rank.

“Most people seem to know their position on the hierarchy because they most contact people who rank the same. “The most common behavior for both men and women is to contact members of the opposite sex who on average have roughly the same ranking as themselves,” Bruch and her colleagues write.”

Desirability isn’t just your looks, but the way you put yourself forward in pictures, profile write up. It matters less what you think is a good picture or good profile, but what is good is relative. So create a male-looking-for-female profile, and take a peek at your competition. You only need to be better than the competition.

If you are competitive and determined to win, I am surprised you haven’t applied Sun Tzu’s Art of War tactics in dating. Same principles apply to job hunting. Good luck

Post # 49
573 posts
Busy bee

ilikeautumn :  Things can’t be rushed, that’s how some people end up unhappily married or in a nasty divorce. Forty is rather young, by the way, especially for women considering that’s our prime. 

I feel like part of your problem could be desperation. I can sense it just from your posts and if I can tell you’re desperate from an online post, I’m sure guys can sense it when you’re on a date/just speaking to them.

Post # 52
10853 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ilikeautumn :  

Dating, particularly online dating is about the arithmetic.  The more people you meet, the better the odds of you meeting someone you would like to see again.  And that’s really the goal of a successful first date—a second date.  No more than that.

We’re in an era of over-disclosure.  Women are reciting lists of their demands before the sever has even brought the wine.  Worse, they’re issuing dire warnings:  Look, I’m only interested n relationships that could potentially lead to marriage.  I can’t afford to waste my time on something casual.  I want to have kids before I’m 37.

Whoa, cowgirl.  That is way too much to hurl at an unarmed man on a first date. Sit on your anxiety for awhile.  Get him talking about himself. The more information you have, the more informed your choice will be when you consider seeing him again. If he eagerly responds with:  Yes, yes!  Me too!  That’s exactly what I’m looking for, too!

There are some possibilities here.  One, he’s lying to get you into the sack.  Two, He really means it, which reveals him to be an insecure, needy clinger.  Or worse.  Abusers also usually rush their victims into quick commitments.

We’re too quick to dismiss prospects on bases that don’t make a lot of sense.  Not enough chemistry, gawd, don’t even get me started on chemistry. His job isn’t cool enough, or pay enough.  Don’t be a snob.  He doesn’t have a degree.  Some of the smartest people on the planet never went to college.  And this guy isn’t burdened with student loans. Worse, he’s too short.  Grow up.

Yeah, yeah, you don’t want to waste your time if there’s no future.  Well, you can’t really know that until you spend some time together.  You don’t have to elope.  Just a few nice dates will do.  If he’s a good guy, give him a chance.  You have the time.  Having a crappy relationship or expensive divorce will suck up way more time (and money) than a few dates.

I am CFBC, so the kid thing was a non starter for me. But, fyi, I was very well past my 40s when I met Dh.  We discovered quickly that we held a lot of similar views on current events.  Most of our early conversations were based on that.  Dh found that a huge relief.

If fear of rejection is getting in your way, there’s a quick and easy fix for that.  I tried it once when I was a young thing with no clue as to how incredibly awesome I am.

Put on your favorite going out clothes and go to your favorite bar on a busy night, a place where you feel comfortable.  It’s perfectly fine to bring a female friend. Now, take a good swig of your drink, stand up straight, and go try to get five men to reject you.  Any five.  Your choice. Do your best to get yourself resoundingly rejected.

It’s an exercise that really forces you to change your thinking.  It will stay with you.

Though, I still think the dating moratorium would be the sounder way to go.  The boyfriend hunt is starting to take on the qualities of an obsession.

Post # 53
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m guessing that you are giving off an vibe of being desperate and that is going to get you someone who is desperate or dysfunctional. Reword your dating profiles like a cover letter on a resume. What makes you a good catch? What are your interests?

I met my husband on a site called Fubar. It’s an online bar with chat lounges. I didn’t go on there for the purpose of dating him or anyone. I went there for the music and to make friends and to pass the time, we became friends and he was in home remolding and I started to ask him questions about how to fix things. We had the same taste in music and it went from there. He was not local but he relocated to be with me. We are in our mid to late 40s. 

Post # 55
10853 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ilikeautumn :  

I met my Dh on a free dating site.  

You draw the line between settling and open minded sometime after the first date.  Better, after the first few dates. 

If you won’t do a sabbatical, what if you shift your focus a bit.  Instead of accepting a date, fervently hoping, PLEASE LET HIM BE THE ONE, which men can detect from miles away, try looking at it differently.  Accepting a date is an opportunity to get to know a new person—he isn’t on the planet just so you can have a boyfriend.  Be glad for the evening out, maybe at your favorite restaurant, or maybe trying a new one.

There is so much to savor here.

If you continue to date, you may find yourself becoming attracted to him, it happens that way sometimes.  If not, you will have made a new friend.  And that’s a wonderful gift.  It comes with some great perks, like introducing you to his guy pals.

Dismissing prospects too early keeps many women single.  Certainly, you are free to want what you want.  But, you’re probably missing out on some really great guys.

One of the challenges for you is to force yourself to start looking at available men as people first.  Living, breathing, a saint and a sinner, completely human.  My sense is that you are treating the men more like objects.

That is wrong on so many levels.

Post # 57
1184 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve known friends who are in their 30s to have great luck with online dating! Just make sure you get one of those proper websites where you pay, not like tinder or whatever, and make sure your profile is great (get a male friend to vet it). 


Post # 59
10853 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ilikeautumn :  

I don’t know if you’re aware, but what you’re communicating here is extremes. As in, I’ll either find a husband or end up with 1,000 cats.  You’re artificially making the stakes much too high, putting enormous pressure on all parties.

Is there no middle ground? Something in between finding a husband today and becoming the 1,000 Cat Lady?

I have to agree with the others, your desperation leaps right off the pages.  That means guys are picking it up as well.

One of most men’s biggest relationship fears is . . . well, you.  They deeply need to believe that the women they love are with them because they love him. Not because he fit someone’s requirements for a husband.  Not as a loneliness cure.  Not to be anyone’s financier.  It’s something that men worry about. A lot.

Everything you need to do differently is internal.  Signing up for one dating site after another won’t fix anything.  If you aren’t willing to take a dating break, at least start journaling.  It will really help you.

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