How to find a proper relationship at 35?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

ilikeautumn :  If you can’t be with yourself, who else can you be with? That was the biggest thing I learned after I got divorced at 31. I was terrified of being alone, and one of the main reasons I stayed in the relationship for so long. I am now 34 and from my own experience, the best thing I ever did was focus on my relationship with myself, it’s not perfect but like everything in life, it’s an on going process.

I liked the suggestion from other Bee’s of making friends with women that enjoy the same hobbies/activities as you, or even trying something new. It may help you forget about the relationship hunt for a little while and leave you open to something happening naturally. I met my SO through a dating app (Tinder, ha!) but only because I wasn’t worried if he liked me but if I liked him (what a novel idea for a woman! Society can be so cruel to us). This was advice I received from my best friend (whom I met while “trying something new”) and it made all the difference. I love my SO with everything I have and it would crush me if something ended our relationship but I know I can be alone with myself. That fear of being alone had me in a terrible marriage throughout my 20s. There is something so freeing about realizing that you are enough for youself that opens you up to others. 

Don’t be so hard on yourself, allow yourself to take a break and focus on you, again. Best of luck Bee! 

Post # 62
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You seem incredibly critical and desperate all at the same time. You need to stop. Honestly just stop. Take a year (yes a whole year) and go to therapy and just be with yourself. Take up some new hobbies like hiking or something that gets you out in a group of new people. Stop obessing about finding a husband and start enjoying being alive. 

Post # 65
Member
3060 posts
Sugar bee

ilikeautumn :  There are some things that you have posted that don’t give a very pleasant vibe: 

“…a lot of people that I know are objectively less attractive/intelligent/whatever than me).

“…when I look around a lot of dull, ordinary, boring people who have no hobbies seem to be in a relationship.”

“When I look at those dull people who have a very limited knowledge of life in general I wonder how come that THEY get to be in a relationship but not me? Granted, the dull ones are probably with equally dull people but still.”

This, however, is very concerning:

“I briefly thought I might have been pregnant. Less than ideal situation – being pregnant by someone I didn’t even know and certainly didn’t want to be with. BUT – I thought that if I were pregnant, I’d happily keep the baby as that would be the only thing that would take my mind off relationships. Nothing has the power to stop me thinking/wanting a relationship. But being pregnant would.”

I really hope you sincerely would not do something like this. A woman should not have a baby for entertaining/”take my mind of other things” purposes. 

Post # 66
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

ilikeautumn :  I was single for 4 years after a 6 year relationship. Was it lonely sometimes? Yeah of course. But I also had FUN. I enjoyed the hell out of it. I got out of the house and I did stuff and I met so many new people and made friends. I look back on that time in my life with fondness now because I grew and made a lot of great memories. 

 

That is what I mean when I say that you are trying to hard to find someone and are not just enjoying and taking advantage of your time to grow.

Post # 67
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

claroquesi :  You didn’t even mention that she looked in her FAMILY for a relationship in a “distant relative” but that he was already dating someone……Serious side eye at that…

Post # 68
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m about 10 years older than you, and I didn’t find “the one”  until my late 30s.  And I’m also an introvert.

I usually had better dating luck by meeting people more organically in situations wheere we were likely to have things in common.  For example, I love reading and belong to a few book clubs and also go to author readings at bookstores.  I also really love modern art and one of the museums near me does a singles event a few times a year where they have an after hours party that includes wine, some snacks, and a guided tour of a new exhibit and a chance to mingle with other art lovers. That was always great fun and the art exhibit meant we had an easy topic of conversation!

I met someone through a literary event about 4 years ago.  We dated for a little less than a year but ultimately decided we were not a suitable match.  But my ex is the one who introduced me to my Fiance.  It was very much a “You and I are not a great match but I think you 2 need to meet each other” sort of things.  

I’d focus on trying to make some new friends via activities you are interested in and see where that leads you.    You might wind up dating some of them. Or some of them might introduce you to someone you wind up dating. If nothing else, you’ll make some new friends.

Depending on your interests you could try:  cooking classes sports/fitness activities (hiking groups, bowling, etc); dancing classes; getting involved with a local theatre company; volunteering for non-profit/charities; book clubs; art/museum events; audit a class at a local college that interests you (art history? music?); get involved in animal rescue; or any other sort of activity that catches your interest.

Post # 70
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

ilikeautumn :  It’s crazy that girls are brought up to be only worth something if they have a relationship or if lots of men like you. I know this is a giant generalization but I think a very common one that alot of us feel the weight of. It’s very freeing to come out of that mind set, you need to like him, not the other way around! 

I didn’t mean to suggest that you couldn’t be by yourself only that it’s important to be comfortable alone. It’s never easy and I think you have a lot of great things to offer in a relationship. I hope you found some of the help that you’re looking for. 🙂 

Post # 71
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Read the book “not a match”.  It gives great perspective on online dating.  You need thick skin but I met my current SO online.  It’s a number game.  Be patient and you’ll meet some nice people.  Just get out there however you can doing things you like to do!!

Post # 73
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

ilikeautumn :  Hi Bee, I haven’t read all of the replies, but here are my 2 cents. It’s 100% all in the mindset. Two years ago I broke up with my now fiance at the age of 34 and went back to dating. To say that I had fun is an understatement. I’ve met so many great guys during that 9 month break. I’ll be very honest with you, I was getting depressed just buy reading your initial post. You really need to stop with the self-digging and over-analyzing and just get out there. I’m pretty introverted myself, but I truly enjoyed meeting new people during that time. You do come off as desperate to get into a relationship. Maybe set your expecations aside and just learn to enjoy making new connections. 

Post # 74
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I am curious why you want a relationship so desperately. Is it because you want children? Is there something validating about being in a relationship? Are friends of yours all in relationships and it makes you feel insecure about your marital status?

The truth is that you can do all of the things you would do if in a relationship… but by yourself. I was single for a very long time and in retrospect I loved it… at the time there were periods where it was really great and I had a lot of fun, but there were also times where I felt desperately alone. My concerns were that my life dream was to have children, I didn’t have people to do weekend activities with (because my friends were too busy with their significant other’s to make time for me), and I hated the feeling of rejection and needed the validation of a partner… particularly because people would ask me why I was single all the time.

Just before I met my future husband, I had accepted the fact that I could have a child on my own and would be happy to parent a child by myself (sperm donor – I even looked into sperm banks and options for how to get this process started), I started spending my weekends alone but doing all of the things I would do with a boyfriend.. I literally went to bars alone.. and not to meet men either. I just sat there and enjoyed live music and drank some craft beers and people watched. I went on bike rides across the city by myself and explored like a tourist. I went to dinner alone. I would go to the beach and sit and read a book. At first, I felt kind of like I had to force myself to do these things, but in time, I preferred it. I loved my own company so much and just enjoyed doing wonderful things without being held back by who was available to come along with me. I definitely received some judgmental comments like “omg you went to a restaurant alone, I would NEVER do that” but honestly, I felt sorry for the people saying this to me. You hate yourself so much you couldn’t even spend a meal alone? Yikes.

I went on so many failed dates. I had a stalker for a little while. I dated abusive men. My dating life was a dark time (always take a red flag for what it is – lessons learned). I was really ready to throw in the towel. Believe me. I resigned myself to being single… I accepted that I would be alone. I went on the date with my future husband just for fun. I figured at this point what could it hurt? At least I could have a nice meal and a good beer with a man. And that night, looking across the table I thought to myself.. fuck I’m lucky I went on this date! Almost 4 years later, here we are. I know it’s corny and people used to say this to me and I would scoff and roll my eyes … but… you meet people when you least expect it. 

Post # 75
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I did bumble and found my fiancé! Here is what I did:

If we both swiped right, I started chatting pretty quickly, especially if they were online at the same time. Once I figured out he wasn’t a creep or just looking to get laid, I set up an in person meet within a week of first talking (usually just a couple of days). I wanted to see if we had any chemistry before I wasted too much of my time talking on an app. These were small meets so coffee, drinks, etc. just to get to know someone. 

Next I made sure I went on at least one date a week. If there weren’t any bumble prospects, I would go on a friend date with someone I hadn’t seen in a while. This made sure I was going out with people and not just chatting on the app. Plus it’s always good practice! 

I can be quick to judge people so I gave everyone a second date if they asked! Just to make sure I really gave everyone a chance! 

Then I just had fun!! I went on a ton of fun dates, some really crappy ones as well, but those were fun stories for my friends!! Have a great time with it, but you have to kind of work at it. I had done bumble and tinder in the past, but I didn’t take it too seriously and it didn’t go well! 

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