(Closed) How to forgive when people don't apologize

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You don’t. You place firm boundaries and make it clear that their shitty behaviour is not tolerated. How can you forgive someone who is not sorry, has no remorse and no insight into their hurtful actions?

Post # 4
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

gatsbyaffair :  pp is right and how do you forgive and move on when someone isn’t sorry and thus is likely to reoffend.

You can forgive her when you’re ready, because that’s healthy for YOU, but forgiveness doesn’t mean rug sweeping and pretending. It also doesn’t mean you stop protecting yourself. 

P.s. She is out of her mind to suggest to your guests that you were faking blindness. Wow. 

Post # 5
Member
5025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

What Forgiveness Is and Is Not

Forgiveness” occurs when the cold feelings of “unforgiveness” are changed to warm, loving, compassionate, caring, and altruistic emotions because of a heartfelt transformation that involves letting go of that (sometimes deep) desire to avenge a wrong done to you.

“Unforgiveness” is a state of resentment, bitterness, hatred, hostility, anger, fear, and stress toward an individual who has transgressed against, done wrong, or harmed another in some way. Unforgiveness is a cancer that eats away at the very soul of a person.

Definitions and Parameters of Forgiveness

• Forgiveness does not mean that any wrongs done to you were acceptable.

• It does not diminish the evil done against you, nor is it a denial of what happened.

• It is a key part of not letting those wrongs hurt you any longer.

• It does not take away the consequences the other person will face because of his or her sin.

• It is letting go of your desire to hurt the other person. Simply put, forgiveness means you “cancel a debt.”

• It is a difficult and uncomfortable process. When you make a decision to forgive, God provides you the grace and strength to forgive and to maintain a heart of forgiveness.

• It is not weakness. It is the most powerful thing you can do in a relationship. Refusing to forgive allows Satan to continue to hurt; forgiveness stops the destructive power of Satan working in your life.

• It does not necessarily mean reconciliation. It takes two to reconcile, but only one to forgive.

• It does not depend on the other person’s actions, and it is not probationary (for example, saying, “I will forgive you as long as you aren’t drinking”).

• It does not require you to become a “doormat,” nor does it require you to allow the offender to hurt you again.

• It is a gift you give to the offender. Trust, on the other hand, must be earned.

• It does not wait for the offender to repent. Unlike God, who provides forgiveness when we repent, humans cannot demand repentance before granting forgiveness.

• It is about how much you trust God to take care of you.

• It is experiencing empathy for the offender, humility about your own sinfulness, and gratitude for being forgiven by God and others.

Post # 6
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

That is disgusting of her. I would say that what she did–mocking your health condition and violating your privacy–goes beyond disrespect and verges on cruelty. She clearly does not care whether she hurts you or your feelings, and doesn’t see any problem with her behavior. Since she doesn’t think she did anything wrong, there is zero indication that she will change her ways at all in the future. 

I agree with PPs–you can forgive her on your own timeline for your own sake, but don’t feel like you need to sweep this under the rug for the sake of family harmony. In my mind, you would be justified if you chose not to associate with her until she sincerely apologizes AND shows that she is determined to correct her toxic behavior. She needs therapy.

Post # 7
Member
3902 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

gatsbyaffair :  No appology = No forgiveness. I would lay it all out. If you cant talk to her about it, then write a letter about how you feel and what you need for this relationship to get fixed and what may happen if it doesn’t (as in your future kids being or not being around her) she needs to know how much she hurt you (yes it puts you in a vulnerable position but there’s no other way) And she can decide if she wants to appologize…. and if not suffer the consequences. 

Post # 8
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

P.S. I remember your last post. I hope you’re recovering well and that you were able to enjoy your wedding! 

Post # 9
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Sorry to hear about your MIL’s continued behaviour. I hope your health issues are resolving for the better. I hope you got to enjoy your wedding as well. Congrats on getting married.

And sometimes you forgive the person to give yourself peace. However, that doesnt mean you allow them to make you a doormat.  Forgive, move on but set boundaries.

Post # 12
Member
6708 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I agree that forgiveness is for YOU and not for HER. Don’t hold on to the anger because it is truly awful for your health. But forgiving her in this case still doesn’t mean you should have any contact with her; it doesn’t mean that if you have children you should trust her with them; it doesn’t mean you have to pretend like she wasn’t a completely sh*tty person. It just means you need to try to get yourself to the point where you don’t feel a physical anger response when thinking about her and what she has done.

Then again, all that is much, much easier said than done. I’d be madder than hell about it.

Post # 13
Member
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

You may just have to accept the fact that an apology will not be forthcoming. What she did was wrong and unacceptableand you don’t have to ever say that it wasn’t. For your own mental health though you may wish to try and leave it behind instead of dwelling on it. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat. There can still be consequences which may be that you don’t have contact with her. Your husband can still go to their house without you.

Post # 14
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I wouldn’t even think in terms of forgiveness. I would instead create the distance and boundaries necessary to protect myself from a crazy, vicious person. If Darling Husband wants to see her (why would he? She’s toxic and dangerous), he can meet her for lunch. Alone.

Post # 15
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

Just cut them out of your life. It’s okay to quit people cold turkey sometimes.

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