Post # 1
He is my best friend and I have known him for 6 years. Over those years he has rarely said anything positive about his girlfriend of almost 8 years. The trouble mainly centers around her, she was suppose to move out to him after she finished school as he was in a PhD program. She declined to move saying there were no jobs when I personally found her a great job in the area. They broke up briefly for a few months and he was never happier. Now they are living together again but all they do is fight. Now she has to move and have a commute of 40 minutes each way while he gets one of 90 minutes each way. She is already complaining about it but he got a great job, six figures and she doesnt think it was worth the move to triple their income. I was talking to him the other weekend and the only positives he had were that she cooks for him, nothing else. They argue about everything, who gets the tv and the computer, what coffee table to buy. She always makes it seem like she is sacrificing everything for him but she really doesnt. Everytime I bring it up all I getis negative things, she has mentioned marriage and they have discussed it but he isnt happy now and wont admit it. How do I get him to actually talk about the relationship and not just hide behind the one good quality she has?
Post # 3
Their careers, income, commutes and anything else to do with their relationship is none of your business. If he doesn’t want to talk to you about her, then stay out of it.
Post # 4
Ugh, I know this is so frustrating when you have a friend like this; I actually had to pull away from a good friend once because I thought her relationship was toxic, so I totally get your frustration.
I think unfortunately there’s not much you can do about it: if he insists on being in a relationship where he’s always fighting, all you can do is be a good friend and listen and be there when he needs you. Perhaps if you give him some time and offer a sympathetic ear if he starts to talk about something, perhaps he’ll open up a bit more. 8 years is a long time though, so he’s obviously quite attached to her; it could be that he’s just not brave enough to break away from it, or it could be that he’s really into her.
Could you maybe help give him a refuge sometimes? Take him with you when you meet other friends, or when you do group things, just to get him meeting new people? Maybe that will help him be brave enough to take the next step?
Post # 5
Obviously he doesn’t want to talk about it with you for whatever reason…I don’t really understand why you want to push him to?
Post # 6
Doesn’t want to talk about it? Sounds like he’s given you ALOT of information. I’d be pretty ticked off if I knew my Boyfriend or Best Friend was telling someone all the gory details of our relationship like that. Keep in mind, I know he is your friend but you are only getting ONE side of the story.
Post # 7
I agree with the others, it’s really not your place to push him into talking about this. He is your friend and this is his decision, as an adult. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is respect his decision and find the positives in her to show him when he is complaining.
Honestly, my Fiance often vents to one of his friends. It’s just venting. Relationships are hard and take work, sometimes its nice to just blow of steam. I’d be really upset if you were a friend of my Fiance and would see what you are doing as interfering and disrespectful.
Post # 8
@TinaJade: He is always over at our place or another friends who is close to his job. We recently did a trip to see some old friends and he made it a clear point that he wasnt bringing her because she just ruins everything, his words. We have tried to include her but all she does is fight with him or starts a fight with us. Its come to the point where she wont let him watch the shows he likes in their apartment at all so he has used us as an excuse if we visit to watch a show.
@sara_tiara: I just want him to discuss it since I get put in the middle as the reason he can do something like watching a show. All i hear from him is negativity about her and if they come out together, which is rare, all they do is fight and throw everyone into. I dont mean to push the subject but she has gotten to the point of wanting the ring and I just see it as a healthy relationship.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
It’s not your place to bring up his relationship. If he wants to discuss it with you then he will bring it up. However, the next time he complains about her to you, you are more than welcome to tell him that based on everything he complains to you about her that you don’t think she’s right for him. Then if he still wants to talk about her ask why don’t they break up if he is so unhappy. Tell him what qualities you think make him a great guy and why any other girl would be lucky to date him so he shouldn’t waste his time being miserable. But you can’t just bring up his crappy girlfriend on your own.
Post # 10
If he wants to talk to you about, he will. Let him do it on his own terms. Otherwise it’s not your place.
He’s an adult. If he chooses to stay in this crappy relationship, he’s doing so on his own free will. You also only know his side of the story – this girl may or may not be as awful as you think. And if he chooses to marry her, well, that’s his choice, too, and not your problem. If it’s a mistake, it’s his mistake.
Post # 11
@badabing88: I know I am only getting one side of the story but they really go at it anytime we are around. I dont really mind her as a person but it has come to him using us as the excuse to do something. He has been at my FI’s house all the time lately hangingout night, sometimes spending the night. I know that after they had a short break his parents were even telling me how they dislike the relationship and how they interact together. I know relationships arent perfect and I shouldnt get in the middle of everything but she wants a wedding and I dont think he is in that stage at the moment as he has made comments
Post # 12
@minted: I get you are trying to be a good friend and that you feel he isnt “at that stage” yet…but HE has to make that decision for himself.
We know a couple that we enjoy hanging out with…until they start fighting. It never fails: if we all go out, they WILL get in a fight, and they’ve been dating for like 2 years. It’s kind of obnoxious, but neither of us has ever gone to them to intervene. Why? Because they are adults and can choose to be miserable together if they want.
If you friend decides to marry this woman, it really isnt your place (or his parents place) to interfere, since he is a grown-up. I would just be a supportive friend and listening ear but keep your involvement at being a sounding board.
Post # 13
@beachbride1216: He has brought it up especially this last weekend. He said the only positives were her cooking for him. I asked why he didnt leave and all he says is that they signed a lease so they are stuck. He has used this excuse last year two and there arguments have become public or when people are over they just start yelling.
Post # 15
@badabing88: I know I should be supportive of him in this relationship, but through this relationship he told me that I should tell him if it wasnt right for him. He has done it for me a few times by showing me how horrible the relationship is. We have a really close friendship and I know if he didnt like my Fiance he would be vocal. I know he isnt in the stage for marriage because when I got engaged he brought it up and said no matter what he couldnt get married for at least another 5 years because he wants to be debt free first
Post # 16
All you can Ido is plant seeds by mentioning how you and Fiance compromise on things, praising your Fiance or saying how you disagreed on something and then talked it out fairly. Don’t push him to talk, if he wanted to leave he would. Just be a counterbalance, and remember that he is obviously it telling you everything or he wouldn’t still be there.
ive been in this situation with one of my then best guy friends. It sucked.