(Closed) How to get closure from a significant friendship ending?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Sunshine09:   Oh, wow, that was so painful to read.  Sending you lots of hugs right now.  I don’t even know what to say, I’m so, so very sorry you’re having to deal with that.  It seems so irrational on her part.  Do you think she may be having some kind of chemical imbalance or depression going on?  Her actions don’t sound like the actions of a very happy person.

I would do this in your place – give her some time.  Don’t contact her and if you need to vent write it out and delete or vent on here.  I have a feeling she’ll contact you again in the future, but in the meantime you don’t need to be subjected to such harshness from someone you thought was your best friend.

Big hugs, hon.  🙁

Post # 4
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

It seems like she started to drift away a long time ago. I wouldn’t contact her agian. It really sucks but eventually you’ll feel less hurt. Contacting her agian will just hurt more, atleast she finally said it was over- even if you have no reason as to why.

“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.” 

Post # 5
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’ve had friends like this – some I still have, some I don’t. I went through the loss of a friendship in high school and it felt very much the same way. She went from my best friend to refusing to talk to me at all. It really, really hurt and to this day I have no clue what brought it on.

I look at your situation this way. If you two somehow keep talking to each other, how would you feel? Would there be any bad blood left? Would you be able to tolerate the erratic behavior? If not, lick your wounds and try your best not to take it personally. Putting some time between it can help. It helped me.

However, if you could see mending things and if she’s the person who cools down and then wants to talk, it could be worth it. I’m leaning towards giving yourself a lot of time to think about it. Don’t run after her just yet. If she cannot value your years of friendship, then you need to re-evaluate for a while.

Post # 6
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I get it. I’m dealing with a very similar situation, but there’s been no closure for me at all. One day last year she deleted me off FB and has not returned calls, texts or emails. All out of the blue, literally a week after I visited her house and we had a blast together. I know how bad it feels but for your own sake, you’ll have to find a way to move on. Easier said than done for sure… I havent talked to my former bff since September 2011…and it wasnt til this summerr that i finally just gave up..

best of luck to you!

Post # 7
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Relationships are hard.  It sounds like maybe she has a hard time communicating her needs and then gets so pent up and frustrated it comes to a head and she lashes out.  I would do like Sunfire suggested and give it some time.  Try your best to let it go for now and hopefully at some point you two can have a heart to heart.

 

Post # 8
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Sunshine09:  Sometimes things are just meant to end, and there is no closure to be had. I had a great friend also for 20 years and we stopped talking for what I thought were pretty stupid reasons that she blamed on me. But I apologized and tried many times to reach out to her. She would never return my calls. Finally, after about 5 years of no talking, but me trying about 4 times, I tried one last time. That time she was thrilled to be talking to me, and asked me to go out to drinks a couple of times. We went and had fun, but now I feel myself actually pulling back.  See, @sealevels: has a good point. Sometimes so much damage is done that things can’t be fixed. I called her for her birthday and didn’t hear back from her for more than a week, then I got a text about how sorry she was to have not gotten back to me. That was kinda the last straw. She wants me to go to her wedding next year and I don’t think I want to go. I feel like I have put myself out there a lot and maybe I shouldn’t have even bothered to do that. I don’t really want to talk about it again either. I kind of did get used to life without her and it wasn’t so bad. 

Post # 9
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’ve been through this with my old college roommate after 20+ years of friendship.  She never met but didn’t like my then SO/now Darling Husband and said ridiculous, hurtful things about him.  I let it roll off my back but the more I thought about it the more mad I got.  I told another of our friends to tell her to back off.

I never heard from her again.  Then about 6 months later I learned that her father had cancer so I sent her an email.  She responded about how much she had missed me and what-not and I realized that I hadn’t missed her at all.  It was over for me.

She sent me an email to me at work at 4:58 on the Friday before I got married.  Once again she was saying things about my Fiance…whom she had still never met.  After I got back to work, I read the email, deleted it, and never looked back.

We’re at different places in our lives.  I was in a serious relationship headed for marriage and she was still making mix CDs for her SO for Valentine’s Day (she’s in her early 40s BTW).  Another of my older friends put it best when she described her as being in a state of arrested development. 

I’ve read a verse about having friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a life time.  She was a friend for a season.  She really means nothing to me now but it started going downhill before she started being a bitch to me.  That was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

My closure was when I realized that I didn’t miss her.  Maybe it would help if you wrote her a letter then threw it away.  Do no contact her though.  She doens’t want to talk to you…she’s made that very clear.

Post # 10
Member
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I can’t imagine losing a friend that I have had for 20 years. It hurts right now, but these ladies are right in that you shouldn’t talk to her anymore. She doesn’t want to talk to you, and that is fine. It is painful, and you are allowed to be very angry, but don’t waste all that energy on contacting her. She went about this in a very shitty way-by e-mail. What a cop out. How COULD you understand what she was going through if she never talked to you? Sounds like she is just having a self pity party about her life. I think she just needs to be left alone. I can see her coming back, and then it will up to you if you want that friend back in your life.

 

Post # 12
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I had similar situation happen to me when I was younger. I had a friend (let’s call her C) who I was extremely close with. Millions of inside jokes, best friends forever, we-should-be-sisters kind of close. She’d go through phases where she’d want to step back from the friendship, claiming I was too mothering (I was two years older and she was a wild child, so I was pretty mother-hen with her trying to get her to stop doing crazy things I knew she’d regret, so that’s on me), but after a week or so we’d go back to being super close like nothing happened.

Well, one day she wad introduced to a “friend” of mine who was very bitchy, vindictive, and two-faced to me. They became friends (against my warnings) and C ended up sending me a “friendship break up” email,  which I later found out the bitchy friend helped write! 

I was devastated. She was like a sister to me and I didn’t know how to cope with her just not wanting to be my friend anymore, without being able to defend myself from the lies Bitchy friend fed her and the accusations she made. 

To be honest, it took me months to stop being upset, and even longer to stop being bitter, but finally I realized that our friendship wasn’t healthy. I was too dependent on her and she didn’t appreciate my friendship. Also, since she was young and wild and I was older and more conservative we just had too many differences to make it work. Once I accepted the truth I about your friendships state, I definitely felt closure.

 

A few years later, after she’d grown up, gotten married, and calmed down, she actually sent me a very long message via Facebook saying she realized how horrible she’d treated me and that she didn’t realize until later how good of a friend I was, and asked for my forgiveness. I chose to forgive her, and shes actually a bridesmaid In my wedding. Our friendship is 100% different compared to before (I don’t depend on her nearly as much, she doesn’t need parenting… Etc) and much healthier. it’s always possible your friend will realize her mistake in cutting you out of her life, and then you’ll have a say in whether you want to let her back in yours or not. It’s a very empowering feeling, and healed a lot of wounds that the friendship ending without a say left for me. 

 

Either way (and sorry for the novel!) I hope you find closure. Losing a longtime friend is one of the hardest things to deal with, especially when you had no say. 

Post # 13
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’ve been there and there’s no easy answer. But you have to let it go–you have to accept the choice she has made to go her separate way. And you cope by taking it one day at a time like you would the loss of any other relationship (breakup, death, etc). Some days will be harder than others but as time goes by you will move on and you will heal. Maybe in time, your friendship will be reinvented–or maybe it will never be the same. There’s really no way to say.

For now, let yourself be angry, let yourself be sad, let yourself be hurt. Remember the good times and celebrate the good things she brought to your life. And then let her go as best you can. It will get easier in time.

Oh also, I found this pretty insightful when I was dealing with my friendship ending.

Post # 14
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Sunshine09:  I had something similar happen with a friend of 25 years.  It sucks.  It sucks when they are the ones who decide to end it.  It felt very similar to a break up – yet, when I really thought about it, I realized that in the recent past, she wasn’t much a friend at all.  I then started asking myself why I was so desparate for her friendship when she treated me so horribly.  A lot of what you said about your friend reminds me of my friend (distant, hot-headed).  You hit the nail on the head:  you did NOTHING to deserve her wrath.  She just doesn’t want to be friends anymore.  Do not contact her.  Much like a break up, you have to move on.  Invest in the people in your life that desire your friendship and who love you.  Some days will be harder than others, but, in time, it will get easier.  My friendship breakup happened 6 months ago and it’s been hard, but everytime I think “I should call her” I’m reminded that she’s the one that decided to end our friendship and me reaching out isn’t going to change that.  Sometimes friendships are for a season and must end.  It’s sad when they do (and I never thought this particular one woudl end up like that!) but, obviously it did.  I’m sorry you are going through this.  I know how hurtful and upsetting it is.

Post # 15
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

Let her go.

 

Post # 16
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I had a best friend, really she felt like my kindred spirit, for 8 years. From 4th grade until our Junior year in High School.

We went through so much in those years, I moved far away twice, came back, went through some really emotionally rough years in the course of our friendship. She had a baby when we were 15, and was with a really terrible guy who put his hands on her and lied to her relentlessly. We were, in so many ways, reliant on each other and so connected. We had no other friends but each other, and it was a friendship I truly believed was unbreakable. Still, looking back, it’s painfully clear to me that I loved her as much or more than I’ve ever loved another person.

But things started to go south after she had her baby, and she too started to create a sort of distance between us that I couldn’t gap. I think a lot of it had to do with feeling alone in the world (because, try as I might, I could no longer completely relate to her in all the ways I previously could) and because she was being systematically emotionally and physically abused by her child’s father. I worked sooo hard to keep our friendship close, but it was as if an invisible fog had surrounded her and kept me out, even if neither of us wanted that to be the case. It was about 2yrs worth of difficult times for us as friends, and also as individuals as we both worked through major life changes and struggled with depression. I still never thought what we had could be broken, but one night out friendship ended abruptly and it literally shattered my whole concept of self.

Her boyfriend physically assaulted me and she didn’t stand in the way, and then he sold money from me. She didn’t call to see if I was okay for almost a week. I was so hurt by both of them. Looking back, time has brought so much clarity. She very truly was a battered woman, and she was unable to see the damage he had done to me, because she was de-sensitized to it after having experienced it for so long. I don’t feel bitterness toward her anymore, only a sadness and powerlessness to save her from him.

I tried to see her a few times after the incident; I really did care about her, and my love is and was unconditional for her. But it became clear to me that she really wasn’t the person that I used to know, and there was nothing I could personally do to save her. Like a PP stated, sometimes you realize that too much has gone on to pick up the pieces and make it work again. As much as I wanted that puzzle to fit together again, some pieces were damaged and missing beyond the point of repair. When I came to grips with this reality, it was much easier to close that chapter of my life, and be grateful for what I learned rather than bitter about what I lost.

Some people are meant to be in your life for a certain amount of time, and then you’ve taken everything away from the relationship that needed to be taken. I would distance myself from her for about a month, and if in that time you think you can make it work with her, reach out. If she touches back, you’ll see then whether the friendship can be made to work again.

I feel for you…

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