(Closed) How to get Fi to participate?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

This is a small suggestion but what about asking him what he would like to help with in terms of the planning. My Fiance isn’t into the details of the wedding but wanted to gather the music list. Also, since he has a great artistic side he will be helping me with creating our monogram and a few odds and ends that I need a little artistic help with. It was my way of getting him involved but also not pushing him to help.

Good Luck!

Post # 4
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Maybe he doesn’t know how important it is to you. However, if you’re after him about it a lot, he probably is avoiding it. It can be unfortunately easy to pester the Mister. If that isn’t the case then I would talk with him about it.


Post # 5
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’ve had the same problem. I set aside certain times to discuss & work on wedding stuff with him. Of course I’m on Weddingbee all day, thinking of ideas all the time, and it’s always on my mind. But I harness that and come to him with well thought-out ideas and things to discuss. I give him tasks to complete with deadlines. This isn’t all men, but my Fiance gets frustrated when I ramble and dream and think of things that are neat but really out of the blue for us. So I keep that to myself and the boards and stay very realistic and task-oriented with him.

If you need his help with invitations, suggest a certain time when the two of you can work on them for an hour. If you want him to call the caterer, DJ, whatever, give him the information and a few days to report back to you. At least in my case, he was clueless as to what to do and really needed some guidance (well, I did too, but I read about everything online!). 

Good luck! I think a lot of us have this problem. 

Post # 6
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Yeah, I think most men are not interested in wedding planning. I was complaining about this the other day to my male roommate. He responded, "dude, he proposed to you; that’s like the huge deal already; you can’t expect that much from him." That response may be a little exaggerated but you get the point.

Maybe it’s a little easier to get your Fiance to participate if there’s a clear task outlined for him with a specific deadline (plan of record). If you need help by happenstance or just along the way, I imagine it would be difficult to expect help from him ad hoc, let alone ask him to contribute ideas.

One thing I learned is that I think about the wedding alot & he doesn’t is because I think that planning the details would help make the wedding "perfect" (although perfection per se doesn’t exist). On the other hand, the details of the wedding aren’t important to him becuase it would be perfect no matter what the details are. I once told him that I worry quite often that certain aspects of the wedding may not turn out as we desire; he just responded that the marriage is more important than the actual wedding. It may not sound right as I’m typing this but I still greatly appreciate the male perspective despite how unhelpful they can be sometimes.

Post # 7
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m sorry he’s not being helpful

I had the same problem, but the system I started has been working: every Sunday, I send a "yours, mine, ours" to-do list to him and me over email. It looks something like this:


Wedding tasks week of 5/1:


-Book honeymoon airplane tickets

-Send tux info to groomsmen

-Collect missing phone numbers for WG’s side of guestlist spreadsheet


– Narrow down invitation options

-Follow up with florist

-Send deposit for makeup artist

WG & WB:

-Finalize invitation choice

-Choose foods for tasting

-Registry shopping trip


Over the week, we reply to the email with the old tasks deleted, or new time-critical tasks added, then if there are things that are left, they get bolded in the next week’s email.

I think this system helps him see that there is a large amount of stuff to do, but it’s finite: if he finishes his tasks for the week, he’s done for the week.


Edit: obviously, there’s more stuff than that on a typical week’s list.

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