mrsdfarrar6714: well as someone who has had similar thoughts way before we TTC….I can understand where your coming from especially seeing first hand how things have been running with SIL. But I will say its best not to stress too far in advance and you need to be careful how you word things with your DH because he will possibly see you as trying to shut his family out, which will only make him defensive and he will try to put his foot down. In reality You the one giving birth and going through recovery so you get more say!
A lot of the time IL’s who are about to be grandparents start spouting off things “they will be doing” but a lot of the time its just excited talk…. in the end you and DH will make the decisions so yes its impt to be on the same page.
1) your SIL is the daughter of your IL’s?? or the married in spouse? Im assuming shes your DH sister so more or less I can see how they are all over it because shes the mamma. She may have wanted this…. like…have you spoken to her about whether she asked them to stay or did they push in? To each their own but I think its ridiculous for them to have stayed the night when they live 5 minutes away? I dont even think MY IL’s would be that bad and they are pretty darn (how do you say…overly attached) lol.
Has your DH commented on it at all? does he agree with wanting them there? I noticed you didnt mention his personal views (so assuming you havent had any convos yet). He may not want that either. I personally think you do need space to figure out your own baby without people in your face 24/7 so staying over is something I would be prepared to put my foot down on if your DH does want it. Theres a few good articles out there that explain about “visiting after baby” and one of the main points I take from it is…. yes it can be helpful at times, but it also depends on the specific person…. their personality….. ie: is this someone you can completely loose it in front of and tell them to f*ck off and get out of your face and break down on the floor crying in front of? or is this just someone you can only handle for 2 hours at a time? If its the latter then they should NOT be staying with you! You need to be 100% comfortable with any “houseguests” during the first few weeks if not it can cause you a lot of stress/being overwhelmed that your baby will be able to feel through you…..and it can affect things like breastfeeding etc… if your tense. Sometimes the men in our lives dont think about these things because its not something that crosses their minds, but its not just a cut and dry situation of (my DH original opinion) “oh more people/more hands will help”… well….it can actually be the opposite unless you really want that person there, so make sure you have some facts/and good points to bring up to your DH.
In the end…. lets just say you get pg, baby arrives, and your Il’s come over for a visit and say “ok we’re staying the night”….. completely rude and unacceptable so guess what? you dont want them there? who said you have to be a gracious host lol…. You’ll be fresh outta the hospital with hormones raging… you can always just unleash on them like al pacino in scar face…. They wanna make you uncomfortable? 2 can play at that game, and see if they try and pull it again lol. Obviously thats a last resort, but if someone is going to disrespect you and your space, you dont have to sit there and take it!
My parents live a 7 hour plane ride away and will not be coming to visit until 2 weeks after birth….DH and I have decided we dont want to be bombarded asap. If we need/want help sooner we will let them know, but thats our rule.
2) Labor. As I said my folks dont live here but IL’s do. We’re not having anyone at the hospital either a) because of the “you have no idea how long this will last” aspect. Whats the point of sitting around for 5, 10, 15 hours and missing work/nights sleep for nothing? b) I think there’s a manditory 2 hour wait after the baby is born before anyone can come in anyways, c) one of my rules is that I want some recovery before people come in. Maybe I’ll feel like it after 2 hours, but maybe I need more time? I have no idea, but what I dont want is to feel pressure and rushed into letting people in because they’ve been sitting out there for 10 hours! I personally couldnt give a crap how long they are out there, its their choice… they can sleep on the floor for 2 days, not my problem. The problem is…. the constant badgering once baby is OUT…..why cant we come in yet why cant we come in yet why cant we come in yet….. THATS what I dont want!
For the above reasons we arnt even telling people Im in labor. Right now the plan is to call once she’s been born. My mom and Dh dad are so high strung they would literally be harassing us every 5 minutes “whats going on, wheres the baby, is she here yet, whats going on???????????”……and well if they dont get immediate responses to msgs they freak out (on a normal day)…. our focus needs to be elsewhere during that time lol.
You never know how your going to feel once it happens and even I dont know…. plans might change, I may want diff things, but as of this moment I know what I want NOW. But….I will have an open mind. Im lucky my DH supports whatever I want or need. I would also look into getting a doula once your pg… she will help you and your DH communication about your wishes for the birth and post birth. Sometimes all a man wants is support and thats her job. He will likely rely less on his family and focus more on your needs if you have someone he can trust too.