Post # 1
Hi there everyone! Here it is… I am 33 and engaged to the love of my life! This is also my 2nd time around and SO’s first. My first marriage was when I was 22, it lasted 2 years and it was an awful 2 years. I have been with my SO for 4 years and we have been engaged for almost a year. We are going to have a traditional wedding because he has never been married before. He is 38. We like to throw big parties anyway, so it just seems our style to have a large wedding.
However… this post is more for me, inside. I am so ashamed that I “caved” and got married before and I didn’t back out when I had the chance. I made poor decisions due to being scared and it haunts me to this day. My SO says that he doesn’t care, because we are together now and that is all that matters, I do truly believe him also.
But I dunno – I always just feel so terrible that I have been married before. Has anyone felt that before? Just ashamed that you did it with someone that you didn’t love and that you didn’t wait to find your true love?
It might be silly, but I can’t be the only person that feel like this, right??? :/
Post # 2
I get what you’re saying, and I think what you’re feeling is pretty common.
I think it’s great that your Fiance is supportive and looking toward the future. In the grand scheme of things, it won’t affect your future together. You made a mistake in the past, but you learned from it and therefore you will probably appreciate this marriage that much more.
Try to see it in a positive light. You found the love of your life and you can move forward! This wedding will be a completely different experience than your first wedding.
I think you should focus on making this marriage meaningful and a celebration. You’re not tainted because you have been married before. You deserve to have a nice wedding and you will! Try to look forward and not backward and forgive yourself for what happened in the past.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
cincilady2019 : You have nothing to feel ashamed about. 22 is young. At the time you think you know everything, no one can tell you different. Your going to do what you want. We all did it. Hell my first marriage is was married at 19. I don’t regret it because I have two beautiful kids from it. But now you know what to expect in a marriage, what you want and how it should be. You have your forever love. Just like I do. And I am 49. I have no regrets and I am not ashamed of my past marriage choice. And you shouldn’t be either because it was a teaching lesson. It taught you something. Chin up girl.
Post # 4
Are you ashamed of yourself for tripping and falling when you learned to walk? What about falling when learning to ride a bike?
Post # 5
It’s a total and complete waste of your time and mental energy. Enjoy TODAY! It’s all you really have 🙂
Post # 6
cincilady2019 : Bee, first off congratulations!!!
I’ve been in your shoes; I married too young – deep down in my heart I had so many reservations, and ultimately after being together a total of 8 years we divorced when I was 28. I felt like I did the ‘institution of marriage’ a disservice, and in many ways I was ashamed. Many might not unserstand why shame is attached – for me, it was about not being true to myself, speaking my mind, and allowing my loved ones to be part of a charade of a relationship and marriage.
After the divorce, I never thought I’d marry again. In fact, when I met my current partner, I told him I would never marry again…
We’ve been together 10 years now, and we got engaged this past Christmas. During our years together (and alone) I learned so much about myself, and it was with my loving and supportive partner that I realized I wanted the commitment. He has never been married, and I was so blinded by my shame for the first few years we were together that I couldn’t even see how much he wanted both the partner and a marriage.
I can almost guarantee that your partner, like mine, thinks nothing more of my past than he does any of his exes.
We are so much more than the sum of our experiences, Bee; your life took you on a journey that led to tori fiancé- let go of the shame, and celebrate where you are now. It’s not easy at first – and you May have to try and build awareness of your own inner dialogue, and consciously remind yourself of this, but dwelling on it does not serve you.
Post # 7
Please don’t blame yourself for living your life! It’s totally okay to feel like you made a mistake in the past and regret it, but don’t let it “haunt” you forever. The only way we learn in life is to experience and explore. Lots of people have to fail at marriage before they find someone they can truly spend the rest of their life with. Don’t feel ashamed.
Post # 8
You were virtually a child before, chasing love. That is totally normal.
That experience is what allows you to love more maturely. To see a clear delineation of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. You can more capable appreciate the good, and ensure no poor behavior, from either of you.
Now. You are wiser, more well-equipped to choose, and be, a wonderful partner.
Zero shame in love.
Ps I was married before, and fh was not. I really am looking forward to a more meaningful, real wedding and marriage. The first was only for practice. Lol
Post # 9
All your experiences in life make you who you are. That relationship and marriage the good and bad taught you and shaped you and what you were looking for in the future. The woman your FH fell in love with had those experiences. The wisdom, the hurt, the experience to know what you wanted and didnt want.
Had you stopped your first relationship before marriage you would have had two years unnacounted for, maybe you would have met someone else and you and FH would have never got together. Maybe you would have met but without those experiences wouldn’t have been the right woman for him.
Since you are happily engaged it seems everything worked out just as it should. Don’t feel guilty.
Fh has never been married and I got married at 19. I don’t regret it because without it I wouldnt be me and as such FH and I wouldnt fit together.
Post # 10
Your path led you to your future husband. If you hadn’t had married and divorced the first you might never had of ended up here. Just be grateful for the outcome of the journey, pay not attention to the bumps along the way.
Post # 11
cincilady2019 : anything you do before 25 doesn’t count. At least that’s my motto 🤷♀️ seriously
Post # 12
Thank you SO much to everyone here!!!! This thread truly made me feel better!!! I feel so happy and grateful for my relationship and my supportive SO that I just felt terrible for making a wrong choice in life. But you all really are helping me realize that it isn’t about the past, that it is all about the future!!! So thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
I knew I couldn’t be the only one who has ever felt this way! haha 🙂 🙂 🙂
Post # 13
Oh good, l am glad to see your update! I got married at 19 for the first time , and surprise, surprise, mine didn’t last either. I do remember feeling, idk, embarrassed? on meeting my present IL’s, but only briefly.
‘Ashamed’ is absolutely the wrong word, the only things to be ashamed of are deliberate acts of unkindness or cruelty etc. I sincerely hope you didn’t use the word to connote any shame at not being a virgin or something like that . If so, put that archaic thought firmly away and do not give it power. Nor let anyone else do so.
Have a lovely wedding!
Post # 14
I too have been in that position, and culturally it was even worse than how some others had it. Till date, (now 2.5 years later) I have not told certain extended family members that I am no longer with the d-bag.
I do not have a new love interest but I spend more time thinking about the lovely future I have instead of thinking about the mistakes I made. I learned from it. And the biggest lesson learned is to MOVE ON…
Post # 15
Yes. I feel this way to, some days.
I also will freely admit that I DID love, and that I didn’t choose well; and my feeling of being ashamed that I didn’t see I was making mistakes at the time. I still worry that I love deeply with my whole heart, and too easily forgive & accept others.