Post # 1
I just read a thread about not wanting children, and it made me think. For the longest time, I didn’t feel the need to have kids, or at least, not of my own.
Part of it is I’d like to adopt because a lot of kids don’t have home or parents that can take care of them, so why not take one of those when we feel ready to have a kid?
Another reason was the fact that I think the world right now is not a nice place to bring up a child and it’s not going to get better, so I wanted to take one that’s already there instead of bringing one into the world who did not ask for that.
And, the biggest part I guess; the one it took me the most time to admit to myself and accept, is that I am terrified about the pregnency part! Once I do have a baby, I’m confident I’ll be a good mom; but I don’t know if I can do the pregnency and birth…
People always tell me that I have nothing to fear, that women have had babies since the beginning of times, that once I have my baby with me, I’ll forget all about the rest, blah blah blah…
But really, am I the only one? How did others get over this, other than with very generic sentences used by everyone to try to make it ok?
I am planning to get pregnent in two years because my husband would prefer to have kids of his own than adopt, and I do want to have them with him… but I need to get over my fears before the time comes..
Post # 3
The fears tend to go away once you are pregnant. I don’t know how you can fully prepare until you are in it, and I’m still a little nervous about the birth process itself. But as you are going down that road, with each new daily miracle you kind of soothe yourself and continue on.
I think for us, we decided to get pregnant when the desire outweighed the fears…
Post # 4
I am petrified of being pregnant/giving birth. I think if someone handed me a baby right now though and said raise it I would be okay. It’s not raising a child that scares me, it’s what I have to go through to get there :S
I am almost 27 and don’t plan on having a child until i’m atleast 30 but I am so scared! I know the time will come and I will still be petrified.
Everyone I talk to says either the birth wasn’t bad and if it was that you forget all about it when you hold your child.
I’m not sure if it’s even pregnancy/labour i’m scared of or just fear of the unknowed. I have the tendancy to worry about things before they happen and they don’t turn out to be as bad as I expected.
Post # 5
I was pretty scared about pregnancy and birth too. But I just dove in head first and got pregnant. I figured it was an irrational fear, like fear of feathers or a fear of the color green. Is pregnancy uncomfortable? Yeah. Will delivery hurt? Well, yeah. But will it kill me? I have a better chance of dying in a car wreck on my way to work. But I still drive. And driving doesn’t NEARLY compare to the rewards of risking pregnancy! So I said to hell with my fear, I’m having a baby. And did it. I think most women are scared or at least apprehensive about the whole thing, but there comes a point when you either accept the risk for the reward or you don’t. You’ll know when you get there, I think it’s different for every woman.
Post # 6
I don’t think my fears of my vagina ripping open and being ruined for life will go away once I get pregnant! Are you kidding me? They’ll only get worse!
That aside, I am obviously terrified and, to be perfectly honest, partly vain about the whole thing. But the pain!!! I mean no epidural = excruciating, epidural = possibility (however “slim”) of paralysis and pain anyways, c-section = scar and longer healing time… I think at some point, I’ll want kids, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over my fears. Personally, I’d like to be fully sedated and wake up later and have my baby handed to me when it’s all cleaned and not gooey, but I don’t think doctors are short-order cooks…
I feel the same way. No one has managed to comfort me thus far, but you’re all welcome to try. 😉
Post # 7
I’m also terrified of the possibility of being pregnant and giving birth. We’re not planning on kids any time soon, but maybe in the future, so I dunno yet… In the meantime, I try to hope that medical technology evolves quickly enough to create an artificial uterus, The Wombinator 3000 [TM], that could let me have kids while bypassing the whole process of pregnancy and childbirth
Post # 8
I’ relieved to find out I’m not the only one who fears it…
Post # 9
I’m six months pregnant, and I still get scared sometimes! 🙂 Really, I think you have to work through you fears as you come up against them. But one thing that really makes me less scared is educating myself on pregnancy and birth. Was it scary to have morning sickness? Sometimes, but when I understood why I was sick (and how long it would last), I felt more in control. Is it hard to see myself gaining weight and my whole body image changing? Yeah, but it’s reassuring to know that I’m gaining weight for a purpose. There’s a whole baby in there! Is childbirth scary? Heck yes! But the more I learn about labor, the more I feel like I can handle it. Childbirth doesn’t have to be a horrible, excrutiatingly painful experience, even without drugs. By educating myself on what labor/delivery is really like, and by preparing my body and mind ahead of time, I feel empowered and ready to face the challenge.
The other thing is, I don’t think people talk enough about the cool/incredible things that happen during pregnancy. Sure, I’ve been miserable, but the majority of the time, I feel really happy. Plus, seeing the baby on the ultrasound screen or feeling the baby move inside me makes me feel so proud/excited/joyful/etc… all at the same time. Sometimes I feel so amazed by the little guy/girl growing inside of me, I actually tear up from happiness. It’s really an incredible experience!
Post # 10
@egb, I could have written this post! In fact I think I wrote something similar a while back. Seriously, I don’t want kids now because I feel insecure about my relationship but another main reason is I’m scared.
I’m scared of morning sickness, all the puking, the discomfort, labor, delivery…you name it. What I see on TV makes me feel even more scared, even though I know it exaggerated but I believe there is some fact in it.
I’m afraid of hospitals and needles, haha it’s so embarrasing last year when I got the flu shot I almost fainted when I saw the needle the nurses were laughing!
I’ve noticed that there are therapists for pregnancy, I wonder if that helps at all.
Post # 11
I had my baby last year and while I was never scared of pregnancy, I was scared of labor and delivery. You know what, when the time came I was too busy to think about it. I was hooked up to equipment, people were running in and out and I was trying not to slug my husband for being patronizing. I had built it up in my head as this BIG THING and it wasn’t.
Post # 12
I am not scared of being pregnant persay just some aspects of it. Hoping for mild morning sickness, vomiting is so not my thing. L&D, sure who isn’t! In nursing school, I watched an epidural be given and about passed out in the room. Funny thing is I am not squeemish but damn, something about that hit me. And since I overly worry and over analyze things sometimes, I am worried about complications and the what ifs but I am not going to get into that!
Post # 13
I’m scared for the pain of giving birth, the tearing, bleeding, etc. Scared of blatter problems afterwards. Scared of the weight (my mom gained 90pounds while pregnant of me, while following a strict diet) due to my bad genetics; scared of stretchmarks; of never being able to drop the weight after; scared that I’ll be sick all the time…
I have some food allergies, if I never eat those foods, will my baby have problems with them as well, or suffer malnutrition from inside my uterus? I’m also scared of having extra long period after delivery – thus no energy to take care of my newborn…
These are my initial fears, and then I read some people talk about new things that I never even heard about and that make it worse!
I feel like when I speak directly to people about this, they are judgemental… At least here I can express it freely and get advice and a new perspective from people who have been through it and don’t look at me like I’m a freak!
@Callisto: you’re probably right, and the more I wait, the more I make it a big thing in my head…
Post # 14
It is scary to think about everything us women have to go through to have a baby! Men have it so easy!!! My sister said she gripped her husbands hand to try and break it – she didnt obviously – because that was the only pain he had to endure while she gave birth. I guess for me while it is scary, it is beautiful also. I think a pregnant woman really does have a glow – even if she just feels gross.
I saw my best friend give birth – her husband handed me the video camera as I was walking out. I will never forget it, it was the most amazing thing ever. And seeing all of that never made me not want to go through it one day myself. I think it proves how strong women are.
Post # 15
Every woman’s labor experience is different, but honestly, the whole “worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life” thing is NOT a given. Some people have worse pain than others. Some people cope better than others. IMO, the 2 biggest parts of making sure that you have a birth experience that you are not afraid of is education and support.
Educate yourself on pregnancy and birth, from experts, not from friends and family (women LOVE to tell horror stories about birth), and not from books like “What to Expect” (great starting place, but it’s a drive-by experience).
Then, find someone who will learn with you and support you while you go through the experience of birth. It could be a professional, like a doula or a midwife, or it could be your husband, or it could be a friend who has already had kids.
And, not to be morbid, but… we all have to die someday, right? Dying is going to suck worse than childbirth. If having biological kids is a priority for you and you don’t want to have a surrogate gestate them, you’re just gonna have to deal. Not trying to be harsh, but the pain and ickyness of childbirth (especially with modern methods of care) is pretty small beans compared to a lot of other experiences in life.
Post # 16
wow…I really thought this was just me! My FH wants to start having kids right away after we’re married, but I’m not sure I’m ready. I’m scared of how uncomfortable it will be for 9 whole months, how much pressure it is to always make sure I’m eating healthy, eating enough of the right things, moving safely (anyone see the episode of grey’s anatomy where the woman slipped getting in the shower and the baby died? yeah that scarred me!) I’m scared of stretchmarks that will never go away, looking unattractive, yes vain, but it still scares me. I’m also afraid I’ll get sick of my own kids! I love love love kids and have always wanted a big family, but when I babysit my sister’s kids I reach a point where I’m like okay, you can go to your mom now. I think that’s what scares me the most.
*sighs* That felt good to get out 🙂