How to get over resentment towards my future MIL?

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2017

One time my brothers then gf vented at length to me about my brother during a rough patch. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and there’s no way that it wasn’t going to affect our relationship moving forward. If they had stayed together and he proposed, I would raise concerns about it no matter how long it had been. 

You essentially gossiped to her about her son and got upset when she told him about it, but then when your Mother-In-Law spoke to your mother about you, you write that she immediately told you what happened as if your Mother-In-Law should have known that your mother would tell you. You can’t have it both ways. 

 

As to the wedding, “no” is a full sentence. You talk about doing everything she asks for, and only internally feeling this bubbling of resentment and animosity. One day you’re going to blow your top and be labeled the “crazy” one because for all intents and purposes, to any outside observer you look perfectly happy going along with what she’s wanted. Set boundaries and enforce them. Say “I don’t like talking about xyz” or “no, I don’t love that for the wedding”. The solution is not to cut her out or stop confiding in her completely, but to have a clear idea of a boundary and stop her from crossing it, and you can have a happy and close relationship. Good fences make good neighbors. Good luck!

Post # 17
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - City, State

I relate to this so much. It could have been me who wrote it ! I was in the same position with my Mother-In-Law being a total bridezilla over everything – to the extent where we argued over ever detail. Last week I cancelled the wedding I had grown to hate and rebooked everything I wanted and let her know that this was what was happening now. God I feel so much better and she had nothing to say ! Is this an option for you ? I got around the guest list by changing venue and saying the max number they hold is 130 so she had to take her 60 guests back ha. If it’s possible – start again. Plan the wedding you dream of, book everything and let them know it’s all sorted. Sending love as I know how difficult this is !

Post # 19
Member
6442 posts
Bee Keeper

colormebesotted :  Have you already put deposits down and everything?  Is there anyway you can cancel them or get money back?

Post # 22
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

colormebesotted :  Maybe you should do the same thing your fiance is doing – emotionally absent yourself from her drama. She is doing it for attention/ control.   https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/ 

It’s too bad that you’ve already spent the money and can’t get out of the wedding you don’t want, but maybe consider it a valuable, if expensive, lesson learned about standing up for yourself? You spent all this money hoping it would help you have a good relationship with her, but now you see that’s not going to happen.

I do think it’s uncool of her to take what you said 3 years ago and tell your fiance about it now – like she’s trying to stir up trouble. Even if the things you said then have all been resolved and he agrees they were valid concerns at the time.

It can be hard not to get sucked in to gossiping around a gossiper. Kind of like being around someone who says “like” all the time. You end up subconsciously doing it! But now you know – she is not trustworthy, and you should keep your relationship stuff between you and your fiance.

Post # 23
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You guys need to move away. This level of enmeshment is not healthy and already has you sacrificing major life events on the altar of maternal control. Build up your boundaries with her and hold them at the very least. Also, not confiding in her is the right move, but she 100% is still going to keep shit talking you behind your back. 

Post # 24
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

You were blindsided by her telling your husband, I get it. But it happend and it’s over. If your that upset about talk to her. Let her know how you feel. 

As far as the wedding, well you did that to yourself. You didn’t want to argue so you decided to use some of the money and have a traditional wedding. Well there you go. So instead of putting your foot down, your not going to have the wedding of your dreams, your mother in law wins because you didn’t want to tell her NO but yet your pissed off at her. And your also pissed because she talks about you behind your back and told your mother how “selfish you are” but yet you didn’t confront her about that either. Bee come on. Your enabling her to be this way towards you. Put your damn foot down and say something my god. She talks about everyone what the hell makes you so special that she isn’t going to talk about you? Because you guys were once “friends”? Once a gossiper always a gossiper. She thrives on it. Now she is got you so upset, well take control. I know you can’t do anything about the wedding because you paid for it already but I hope you can put some serious boundries up and call the “friendship” over!!!

Post # 25
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

bearinabeecostume :  While this case is different because the friend Is Also her Mother-In-Law I strongly disagree i don’t expect that my closest friends/family would gossip about me or they wouldn’t be my closest friends. Sorry but a true close friend wouldn’t sit there and bad mouth their friend behind their back. If you expect your friends to do this to you and I’m not saying this to be a smartass than you need to reevaluate your close friends. I guess I just have this crazy standard that my friends don’t shit talk me. 😏

Post # 26
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

tobeeornottobee23 :  But like just because someone is your family member doesn’t automatically mean that your family member is completely innocent maybe there were some valid concerns. If years layer everything was fine you would still go to her about your concerns that you taint my view of you as my SIL for the rest of my life if you truly cant get over something she may have said years ago if her actions have shown she changed her attitude toward your brother. People go through rough patches it’s normal. People shouldn’t just blindly side with someone. Now if she was continuing to bad mouth him and treat him shitty and she was marrying him like next week then year raise concerns. But if my fiances sister raised concerns about something i said like 5 years ago I would think she was super petty and I would be like dude it was 5 years ago time to get over it people change. 

Post # 27
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

pinkcorsage :  So blood automatically doesn’t trump anything. I seriously hate that argument but they are blood. I have blood that is toxic in my life should I choose them over a super close friend who has been there for me because they are blood? Uhh no. Also what about adopted kids they dont share blood with their parents. Is there relationship any less important?

Post # 28
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Err guys are you all missing the part where the mil is bringing this up 3 freaking years later?? 3 years later! If she said all this a week before marrying her son then yes tell her son but its super petty to bring up something from 3 years ago if everything changed. What does mil hope to accomplish by digging up the past right before their wedding? Cause WW3 if Mother-In-Law was truly worried she would have brought up concerns right away not 3 years later before the wedding. That proves she is looking for drama. Clearly her life is boring.

Post # 29
Member
6442 posts
Bee Keeper

soexcited123 :  whoa slow your roll. Reread what I wrote. I never once said her fiance should automatically side with his mother. I said his mother’s loyalty will always lay with him as she is his mother.  Big difference. And please don’t make this into adopted kids can’t have the same thing as blood related parents. You know that is not what I meant.

Post # 30
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

pinkcorsage :  But even that i don’t think is always necessarily true especially since they were close friends before hand. We shouldn’t go ranking peoples importance in our lives. My mom was super close to my dads parents because they lived right behind us and my dads parents would actually sometimes side with my mom when my dad was acting a fool.

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