how to get over someone you already thought you were over?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper

lovelynight :  

“I know I shouldn’t take him back and I can do better.” Is he asking  you to take him back? If not, I wouldn’t  assume  it can be done, even if you wanted to .  

Take this as a bit of a loneliness glitch, and keep your distance   as you have  been doing . You will  meet someone  else and this will be just a pleasant memory.  

Post # 3
Member
3716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

This is normal during the holiday season- the nostalgia and feeling of loneliness can hit you especially strong during this time. You don’t miss him, you miss being with someone and that is confusing you and playing with your heart. I suggest you find hobbies/the gym/going out to occupy your time so you have less time to analyze and ruminate over your past. Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

4 years is a long time. I didn’t get over my ex (whom I’d dated for 5.5 years) for over a decade :-S Although I do realise that is excessive, you only broke up with your boyfriend in the summer. It’s not that long ago. Be kind and patient with yourself!

Post # 5
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

You sound like a strong, smart person. Unfortunately you’re now like an alcoholic who’s had a sip of wine. Thst little taste makes you yearn for more. But remember that just like more alcohol will ruin an addict’s life, more contact with your ex will not make you happier in the long run. The mind works in funny ways, and memory can be very selective. Just keep staying busy and this feeling will pass. 

I had the same feeling with my ex that I had broken up with and it was at Christmas. I even called him, but it felt wrong and I ended the conversation abruptly. That was a million years ago and I’m so glad I didn’t weaken. You’ll be fine.

Post # 6
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

I think it makes sense to go through periods of time where you think about it more. I don’t think it really means you aren’t over him though. 

I have two exes in my life that were a bit off and on and ultimately neither one was a good fit, but it looked more from the outside like bad timing rather than not a good fit. 6+ years later I have moved on to a boyfriend who is a really good fit. It completely erased any feelings of mine for the guys in my past besides mild curiosity for seeing where their life takes them. 

My more recent ex and I split over 6 years ago and would friendly chat maybe once a year over text briefly. After I got this new boyfriend and he saw it was serious he went through this whole thing where he claimed he was still in love with me etc. I could see what was going on very clearly. That ex wasn’t having much luck dating since we split and so was romanticizing our old relationship even though he knew full well we weren’t a fit. He wasn’t really in love with me, he never was even when we dated. It was simply his frustration at not having found anyone since me to date that was making him nostalgic. 

My other ex also randomly reached out when I got this new boyfriend also and that ex I hadn’t talked to at all for YEARS. He even had a girlfriend but clearly felt something was missing for him to look me up on social media after all that time, knowing I wanted nothing to do with him, and try to add me on Instagram. I didn’t follow him back and he quickly unfollowed me again. Just made him look stupid and alerted me to the fact that his current relationship must not be great if he is going around adding exes on social media. 

In your case it’s a similar situation. You are romanticizing your ex a bit and missing him because you on some level aren’t feeling fulfilled in the romance department at this point in time. So your brain automatically thinks back to your last relationship and dwells on it. Once you know that is what is happening you can stop it in its tracks. You broke up with this guy because he wasn’t a good fit, and he didn’t meet your needs. Take this as a reason to go out there and date and live it up on your own terms. But don’t be tricked into thinking back on only the good times with your ex. He is an ex for a reason and your simply having a moment where you miss being in a relationship, it has very little to do with him specifically. Hugs bee, you’ll get through this ❤️

 

Post # 7
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

You sound like a very smart, logical person, which is wonderful.

But the problem with logical people (problem is maybe not the right word, but you get my meaning) is that they often underestimate the impact of emotions in a particular situation. They often assume that because they’ve made a decision which they are convinced is logical and the right decision, their troubles are over.

Emotions don’t work like that. They can hit you like a cargo truck when you are least expecting it. They don’t really follow the laws of logic and reason, so don’t expect them to. You bonded with this person, strongly, so you will miss him for a long time. Those feelings don’t just go away because you know you made the right decision in leaving him. Don’t expect yourself to be happy and ok. 

I hope you have given yourself time and permission to grieve this relationship. Everyone grieves in different ways. Some people go out partying and drinking. Some people eat tubs and tubs of ice cream and chocolate. Some people talk it out with their friends or seek comfort with family. Some people like to keep busy. Some people prefer to be alone. Find what works for you, and do that. Cry if you need to, give the feelings time to pass through you, and they will.

My own personal best tip if you are going through a break up is to change your routine. Do things to make your life feel different because doing the same things you have always done can make you notice emptiness more. So, sleep in a different place in your house, take a different route to work, eat your meals at different times, take a holiday… anything different.

Post # 8
Member
9332 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

lovelynight :  

. . . was treating me very cruelly and indifferently, which really stung.

 

Traumatic bonds are more difficult to break than healthy ones.  When we stay with someone who mistreats us, there’s an element of Stockholm Syndrome at work. It’s not real love.

Dr Patric Carnes has written a book on the topic, The Betrayal Bond. It’s an important read when trying to separate from someone who has treated us cruelly.

Get yourself on No Contact with this guy.  You are not the Post Master.  His package = not your problem.  Either give it back to the carrier with a note:  “Not here, please forward”, or “Not here, return to sender”.  Those are the sane options.

Seeing him to deliver a package is the crazy option.  It’s going to be a huge set back for you as the wounds get brutally scraped open.

I realize this is the season for sentimentality and many people feel extra lonely during the holidays. It will pass, if you let it.  This time next year, you could find yourself with a wonderful, loving man who dotes on you.

But, you can’t meet the wonderful guy if you’re still being dragged down by the albatross around your neck.

Post # 9
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Getting over someone isn’t linear, it’s the same as grief. Some days will be good and some will be bad. Some days you’ll be reminded of the good times and you’ll miss him and others you’ll remember the bad and be mad all over again. All you can do is work through the emotions you’re feeling at the time and remind yourself of all the reasons you’re better off without him. Try to not be too hard on yourself though, it’s OK to be sad and you don’t have to be moved on and feeling nothing about this person by a certain date. Give yourself some grace. One thing that really helped when I was sad about a breakup was remembering specific incidents where he made me feel unhappy and reminded myself that a life with him would have included many more times of feeling that way. It’s important to grieve the ending of a relationship, this is all part of that. Sorry you’re feeling sad bee, but this will pass!

Post # 10
Member
39 posts
Newbee

I went through something similar although a shorter relationship. First, it hasn’t been that long so I think what you’re feeling is normal. Second, is there a bit of hope that you’re holding onto? I felt the same, got in touch, got a lame reply that served as additional closure and I realized that perhaps a bit of latent hope had been keeping me hung up on him. 

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