Post # 1
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
Hello, I don’t really have anywhere else to go to talk about this yet. My family is having some issues, and my fiance has regularly talked to his mom about this. I like to know what she says, and he lets me read it. This morning while he was in the shower, I wanted to see what she had said about a new development so I looked at his phone. When I opened it, I saw an unsaved number I didn’t recognize. I opened it and it was a sex conversation with a transgender girl. We are a straight couple. This text conversation went back only to this past Thursday. He had three more text conversations like this over Snapchat, one I found and two I had to pry out of him. He said he was trying to minimize the damage and was being selfish, and is sorry but it is not an excuse. He told me he has been battling hating himself for the past year and was afraid to tell me about this fetish that he does not like, and he doesn’t think it is him. I don’t think it is him either, but if it is him I really need him to tell me. We have been together for three years and just got engaged in November. He is currently searching for a sex/infidelity therapist for himself as well as us as a couple. He just told his mom, without the details, just that he had betrayed me and cheated, and is waiting for his dad to answer him. I haven’t told anyone because I don’t want this mistake to taint his image. My question is… Is there hope I can move past this? Have any of you recovered from something like this? I can’t imagine my life without him, and I know he is struggling. I just hope I can get past this.
Post # 2
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2018 - Location
Infidelity is an easy no for me.
You’re not even married yet and he’s cheating? You can do better. Good luck.
Post # 3
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
Snap chat conversations are like almost immediately deleted so how did you find convos on snap?
regardless this would be a hard no for me, especially the transgender part. I’d always be wondering and questioning if he was truly attracted to me.
noninferiorasecutus :
Post # 5
Hostess
7377 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I would be looking to move past this on my own. Not with him.
Post # 6
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
That’s a no from me. I always have to lol when someone’s caught doing something and they claim “it’s not really who they are.” Like uh yeah it is. He’s a cheater. Thank you, next.
Post # 7
Member
47086 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I think there are so many variables. What is your definition of cheating? Have the two of you shared your definitions so you both understand what the other considers cheating? Was he having a sex conversation or was there intent to meet at some point? Some people consider phone sex, or texts to be a type of porn, not infidelity. Some don’t.
Post # 8
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
It’s a fetish he doesn’t like but he’s partaking in it anyway? I’d say he does like it but is struggling to come to terms with not only admitting to an interest in something he maybe never thought he’d be interested in, but also coming to terms with the fact that he’s cheating on you. He’s willing to risk your relationship for a fetish he doesn’t like. That doesn’t make a lot of sense. Don’t marry this guy. Especially if it’s become a physical affair. I know emotional can be just as bad but if he’s become initimate with another person on top of the conversations, he’s gone way past the point of no return.
Post # 9
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
julies1949 : What is your definition of cheating?
Wait, what?
Post # 10
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
If he were single, there is nothing wrong with his fetish, and he could be free to explore it as much as he liked. To each his own. However, he’s not single, and made a commitment to you. He likes what he likes, and I don’t forsee a sex therapist “curing” him. This is a really harsh comparison, but I’ll use it to make a point about humans and sexual desire: would you let a pedophile who was “cured” by sex therapy babysit your children? Probably not. If your fiancé dated men before you, wouldn’t you always wonder if he still found men attractive, and if he still had desires to be with a man? Of course a person can control acting out sexual desires, but the sexual attraction will always be there.
Post # 11
Member
11225 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
You aren’t even married yet. Run.
Post # 12
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
I don’t think you can or should try to get past this. It’s only a waste of your time. Leave him while you’re not tied down to him legally and never look back
Post # 13
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
Sorry but I would leave. You can’t change him. If this is detrimental to your self esteem, relationship and future… I would cut my losses. Beyond the fetish, he’s fishing elsewhere.
Post # 14
Member
7496 posts
Busy Beekeeper
I would take the transgender/sexual identity bit out of the equation for a moment. If he’d been cheating on you for a year with a cis girl, how would you feel? Would you be open to working on it?
The transgender/fetish thing is obviously a big deal, though there are couples who have gotten through this. But it’s not a good sign that he didn’t tell you himself about all this – you just happened to find the evidence on his phone. I feel like if there is even a shred of hope of getting through this type of thing, there would need to be complete trust and total honesty between partners, which you don’t have with this guy.
It’s up to you if you want to work on it with him in counseling. Personally I don’t think i could ever get past infidelity of any kind, and I don’t think I could be with someone who was questioning his sexual identity. But only you know what your limits are.
Post # 15
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
julies1949 : This! OP you need to figure out why exactly he felt the need to do this. What did he get out of it?? Was he actually intending to meet up with them or not? Was it emotional or just a sex thing? I wouldn’t marry the guy until you get to the bottom of this. Also it’s not so much the behavior that bothers me, but it’s the fact that he hid this from you that’s kind of fucked up. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
Member