How to get past a cheating fiance. Please help.

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
10 posts
Newbee

For those who seem to assume that any man attracted to a trans woman is no longer straight, the experience of transwomen, and the statistical demographics do not fit this narritive (Statistically, the majority of men who date trans women are only attracted to women. Most men who watch trans porn are heterosexual). I think that this video gives a decent summary of the issue, though the actual topic of the video is different. The relevant part is between 14:08 and 35:21. Sorry about the title of the video, I am aware that “trap" is offensive. Watch the first part of the video if you want to know why it was titled so.

Cheating is cheating, and it should really make no difference to the outcome whether the other woman was cis or trans. I would never be able to trust someone again if I found out they were unfaithful. It would have nothing to do with the gender identity of the person they cheated with, and everything to do with the lies, disrespect and utter disregard that cheating entails.

Post # 47
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

valintine :  Personally I think this advice is the most helpful here. 

OP, your relationship is what you make of it. That can involve monogamy, physical monogamy with sexting others, opening the relationship up in certain situations. I understand this is a blow to you, the fetish as well as the betrayal. My take on it is that this happened because he is ashamed and too embarrassed to be honest with you about this, and he’s trying to resolve his feelings about it before marriage.  

Many people have sexual fantasies and fetishes. If you are willing to go there with your fiance, this could add another level of intimacy to your relationship. In my experience, if you want to handle this in a way that could salvage your relationship, first you need to stop trying to shame him by involving his parents. Then sit down with him, tell him you love him and want to understand, and then LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. It will be terrifying for him to confide in you, but you might as well find out just what you are dealing with. Then take a little bit to think about what he has told you and make some decisions. 
– do you want to end the relationship
– if you think this is salvagable, how can you both satisfy each other’s sexual proclivities
– what boundaries would you want to be enforced? For example, are you willing to allow him to try being with a transgendered woman before you get married? Are you willing to use a strap-on? Are you willing to watch transgender porn with him? What sort of things could you potentially be ok with doing, and which ones can you absolutely not do?

Then once you have made these decisions, sit him down and either end the relationship or discuss options with him. Make a committment to discuss things like this in the future, and go from there. And if you change your mind about being ok with it, that’s alright, but you then need to end the relationship rather than insist he change who he is. Good luck. 

Post # 48
Member
6093 posts
Bee Keeper

I would walk away from this relationship.  He’s been cheating on you and doesn’t even know how to handle the other stuff honestly.

Post # 49
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

sboom :  this exactly.

You aren’t married and have no children. Cut your losses. Yes, you can live without him. He was unfaithful and betrayed you and the specifics make resolving that 100 times more complicated. Why? Because you can’t give him what he wants sexually, apparently.

I also think it’s valid to think that her husband is attracted to male genitalia if this trans woman still has her previous sex organ. If we are going to go into specifics, that matters.

At the end of the day, I would cut my losses and move on. 

And he was probably introduced to this through porn, because porn fetishizes transgender people. 

Transgender people are in fact people, not sexual fetishes, but given that her husband is seeking sex and not an emotional relationship with trans women, this also matters. 

 

Post # 50
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

transgender women are women, liking a woman is not a “festish” just because they’re trans. If you think trans women have a penis you have serious transphobic issues and it’s gross as shit 

 

whoswho :  You’re right: liking a trans woman is not a fetish. A fetish is liking a specific body part, excluding genetalia. 

However, it’s not transphobic to assume a trans women has a penis. The vast majority of trans women have male genetalia. Most can’t afford surgery, or don’t pass the psychological testing involved to even qualify, and only a small handful of surgeons perform gender reassignment. Also, there are lots of trans women who don’t have a desire to undergo reassignment.

Post # 52
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

noninferiorasecutus :  It sounds like it is a very specific fetish, most guys would not go for a transgender woman if they are otherwise straight.

Getting therapy is a great option, it might help him reduce his urges and confront why he has them.

However, therapy will not change him. You cannot change sexual orientation. You cannot stop someone from wanting to do something. You can only alter the behavior.

Would you be okay being married to him if you know he still wants these things, regardless of his actions?

Is there anything you can do to accommodate his fetish? Are you willing to find a compromise somehow?

Post # 53
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Hunnibee88 :  this is a valid question. I consider flirting cheating. My best friend has an open relationship and having sex with other people is not cheating. Each couple determines what qualifies as infidelity.

Post # 54
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

You could try working through this with him, if you love him that much. If you make it through together then this may strengthen your relationship, but realistically cheating at 3 years .. is probably a sign that it will be an ongoing concern in your relationship.. particularly because he is sexually curious in ways you could never satisfy him. 

Post # 55
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

teamroro :  Yes, came here to say when you find something like this… there is more you havent found yet.

I tried to make it work with a cheater for years. We did counseling, he “loved me”, proposed, wanted to be with me… but kept on screwing around. It took me way too long to leave. If I could go back again I would have walked away the first time.

OP, he may be confused by this fetish and thats fine. But he still LIED to you and that is a deal breaker.

Post # 57
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

I am with some people on its cheating regardless of gender or preferences. BUT… if that trans person still has male parts I would be even more concerned …  not because it is wrong to be attracted to it but because to me hiding your preferences is just another slap in the face to the cheating. For me that would still classify as homosexual. You weren’t honest with me about what you liked and obviously led me on for a long time (since hello you are hiding it from me). Plus like some people said… its a gross fetish and not cool in the trans community. I just overall think its slap in everyones’ face at that point on top of the cheating. So for me thats a double whammy. But if this was a fully transitioned trans woman… I wouldn’t really think its any different than a CIS woman. 

I just feel that lying about anything in a relationship is also a form of being unfaithful. Hiding things from me just feels super painful when I find out. But thats just me… I am going to be mad that one you cheated… and two you lied about who you were to me cause you are selfish af. Either way I am sorry and you need to move on. 

 

Post # 58
Member
410 posts
Helper bee

Leave his cheating ass, kick him to the curb & run. You deserve better & will find it…don’t waste one more second on this guy! 

Post # 59
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Sorry but its so so hard to get past. I forgave a cheater and tried to move on, they had been cheating on me for about 6 months of our 1 year relationship at the time. 

I ALWAYS worried, i never felt good enough, it completely destroyed my self confidence and honestly, i became an anxious wreck. Its taken me years to get beyond that back to who i was. 

He carried on cheating too, he jsut got better at hiding it. 

Wth all due respect, i dont think the level of history makes it worth fighting for. You shouldnt be dealing with this at all let alone this early on. Id walk away now and find someone who respects you. 

Post # 60
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

Wait what? A man who likes trans women is straight? Personally I don’t agree with that as we all know that’s a grey area depending on what equipment a person has and each trans person makes their own choice to have reassignment surgery or not. A blanket statement that men who like trans women are straight is inappropriate as each situation differs.

I also take major issue with telling a group of people what their sexuality is. Saying men who like trans women are straight is labeling and speaking for a group of people who have the right to individually decide and label themselves. We don’t go around telling all bisexual women they are gay. So no thank you to labeling all men interested in trans women as straight. 

 

carolinabelle :  

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