How to get past a cheating fiance. Please help.

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

You should run from this guy while you can. Many people have made excellent points on here. 

– you aren’t even married and he is cheating. Umm no. 

– he clearly has a lot to work out with his own sexuality and you can’t really be a part of that process with him.

– he was talking to the trans woman because he clearly feels a strong pull to explore his sexuality and WANTS to explore it and understand it. 

– exploring leads to dating and hooking up to figure out what he wants and where he stands. You going to be ok with him cheating while married to you? Bc that’s what’s going to happen. 

– if you somehow figure out a way to get past the cheating and somehow he promises he won’t hookup with anyone else, how do you personally feel about his sexuality? Are you ok with it? Can you live with it? 

Regardless of the questions about his sexuality, everyone on here would still be telling you to run. Because if he is going to cheat now, he will cheat later. And who wants to marry someone who is already unsatisfied in the relationship? Get out. 

Post # 62
Member
3140 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

ladyjane123 :  No, it’s not inappropriate. A trans woman is a woman. If you define a straight man as a man who likes women, then guess what – liking trans women falls under that category. What is inappropriate (and frankly, gross) is to suggest that a trans woman is somehow less of a woman than a CIS woman. 

Post # 63
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Was he the one to use the word “fetish” when you discussed this with him? Despite its actual definition, its implication when used in this context usually denotes shame, as in he is of the opinion that he is attracted to something he shouldn’t be. If that’s the case, it sounds like he’s got some serious self-hatred going on. If he were my partner and the person I loved enough that I intended to marry him, I would want him to see a therapist and sort that out first and foremost. That is NOT to say that I would want him “cured”—I would want him secure in himself, otherwise our relationship would be doomed regardless of the cheating.

Also, I think you do have to think about what bothers you more, the fact that he cheated (this is the word you used, and it does suggest that you do believe that sexting IS infidelity) or who he cheated on you with. Some people are bisexual, pan-sexual or anything in between, you know, and there is no reason to doubt his attraction or affection for you—except for the dishonesty. Even so, people do screw up, especially when they’re scared. It’s up to you whether you think you’re up to trying to forgive him and accompanying him on this journey, but if you do I suggest definitely getting yourself some councelling too.

Regarding what some previous posters have said, as in “You’re not even married yet and he’s cheating on you.” Is the implication that cheating after marriage is somehow more likely or understandable?

Post # 64
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Bee, I’m very sorry. In situations like this I always say I’d leave, but I love my husband to bits and I know in reality I’d do whatever it took to fix it. The majority of the work should come from him, though. I’d have to focus on healing. 
I suggest you do that, work on healing. The answers to your dilemmas will come as you process this whole mess. 

As a note, if the person is a transgender woman, it doesn’t really matter (same goes for you specifying you’re straight, as she is a woman too). The problem here is that he cheated. And TBH I find it a bit insulting for the LGBTQ+ community that he calls it a fetish… but that’s beyond the point of your post. Just thought I’d give my 2 cents.

Please update us on how you’re doing. 

Post # 65
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - City, State

I think only you can decide whether you can move on from it. Personally, I’d run and never look back. Cheating is one thing I would never, ever put up with. To me, it shows a complete lack of respect, and I could never trust him again. If he’s single and wants to explore his sexuality, sure, that’s great. But if he’s in a relationship, that’s a no go in my eyes. 

Post # 66
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

I stand by what I said. No one has the right to tell anyone what they “have” to identify as sexually. No one gets to insist that men who like trans women have to be called straight, or gay, or bi for that matter. Each man who likes trans women can make that call for himself.

there are plenty of men who consider themselves straight but are not attracted to women who are trans women. That is their right. No one gets to insist they have to be attracted to trans women to be straight. Or that if they aren’t just as attracted to trans women as non trans women that they are horrible people or wrong. 

Labeling men who like trans women as straight sounds like a blatant attempt at forcing everyone to agree that trans women are women, and that any man who identifies as straight is required to be attracted to them. That may be how you feel, But clearly not everyone feels that way. We don’t get to tell people what to believe or feel or who they have to be attracted to. All we get to do is insist that we all treat each other kindly and equally, and let them live their lives how they choose.

As long as everyone is respectful of others choices, treats all people with the same kindness, that’s all anyone has a right to. 

 

 carolinabelle :  

Post # 67
Member
2753 posts
Sugar bee

ladyjane123 :  Labeling men who like trans women as straight sounds like a blatant attempt at forcing everyone to agree that trans women are women, and that any man who identifies as straight is required to be attracted to them. 

That’s a bit of a leap! Being a straight man doesn’t mean that you’re attracted to ALL WOMEN EVER. People often have a type or types that they’re attracted to. No one is required to be attracted to an entire gender to qualify as anything. 

 

 

Post # 68
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Lots of folks on here are going to have an opinion as to whether you should stay or go, but that doesn’t really answer your question. You asked if there is any hope of you moving past this situation. The answer is yes. You will get past this. Couples cheat and then reconcile and with work, rebuild new bonds. Couples cheat and break-up and both live full, happy lives. You will get past this no matter what your outcome. Your job over the next few weeks and months is to ask the hard questions, insist on transparency, and put yourself first. Be certain that this sexting was not the tip of a bigger iceberg and trust your gut. You will sort this out and come out of all this a stronger person in the long run. 

Post # 69
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

True. I think what I was trying to point out is that many men dont accept that trans women are women. It isn’t wrong for them to feel that way either. Some people think trans woman are the same as born that way women. Some people don’t feel that way. It isn’t required that everyone agree on that point. All that is required is that people act respectfully towards others choices. 

To me the statement “ men who like trans women are straight” feels like an attempt to force an opinion on men. Forcing men to accept that trans women are the same as non trans women. Men don’t need to be told what to believe, each man can label his own sexuality for himself. 

wolfeyes :  

Post # 70
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

ladyjane123 :  I mean, the trans community faces incredible challenges in day-to-day life based off of lack of acceptance, which really stems from the language people use in reference to gender expression and sexual preference.

Saying “men who like trans women are straight” merely (rightfully) includes men who are interested in women (whether these men identify as straight, bi, etc) into the overaching sexual-preference category of… men who are interested in women. It says nothing about men who prefer cis women… it simply includes men who like women (trans or cis), which is what the “straight” category means. The only thing slightly incorrect about the statement “men who like trans women are straight” is that they could also be bi-sexual, pan-sexual, etc. The “straight” category isn’t suddenly changed/tainted for cis men who prefer cis women. 

It’s actually really important that everyone accepts that trans women are women (and trans men are men). A person’s acceptance of this fact has no bearing on their personal preferences when it comes to selecting thier own romantic and sexual partners. No one is telling people who they have to be attracted to. 

OP, you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. I’m hoping you’re taking the time to gather your thoughts. Unfortunately, I agree with most PPs in that it sounds like this relationship isn’t the one for you. But to your question of “moving past,” I know for a fact that recovering from this post-breakup will be difficult, but not at all impossible. Someone already posted about SurvivingInfidelity.com I think… sending good thoughts your way!

Post # 71
Member
3140 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

ladyjane123 :  um, if you don’t “accept” trans women as women you are transphobic. You don’t have to be attracted to every woman you meet, whether they are cis or trans, but they ARE women and the concept that random people get to decide whether they are women or not is disgusting. It’s super hypocritical that you are preaching to me not to force sexuality labels on anyone (which I am not doing, if men identify as bi that’s great, but it isn’t bi to like trans women) and then trying to argue that others can force gender identity labels on other people. 

Post # 72
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

noninferiorasecutus :  just leave, trust is like a porcelain, once its broken even if you use the strongest glue in the world to put it back together it will never be the same again

Post # 73
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I don’t understand some of these points of view. I am completely supportive of anyone human, period. But to say that there’s no difference between a woman who is born a woman, and a woman who hasn’t had bottom surgery and still has a penis is just crazy to me. It’s not wrong for men to like or dislike it, but calling it the same is just ridiculous. If a woman’s husband cheats with a woman with a vagina, or a woman with a penis, yes he’s still cheating but regardless of what anyone says, there’s a different sexual attraction involved if she has a penis. In the case of her having a penis it CAN be considered a fetish and straight men can enjoy this visually in simply a sexual manner without wanting to be with men. The penis is a sexual organ. They find a thrill of being with a WOMAN with a penis. They aren’t feeling sexual attraction towards men. Woman can also be turned on watching other women and not claim they’re bi-sexual, they just visually get turned on by other women’s sexual organs. OP- I’d have a frank conversation with your man. Was it a sexual/fetish situation he wasn’t comfortable discussing with you? Are you open to helping him fulfill some not-so-vanilla fantasies in the bedroom if he asked? Or did the trans woman have bottom surgery and he was still just interested in her vagina. It’s about figuring out if he was chasing a sexual desire he was embarrassed about which then I actually think you could work through if he was honest about it, or if he’s simply just looking for other women. At the end of the day the lying and sneaking is still not ok. I’m just saying I’d understand his embarrassment since it’s not a very accepted fetish socially speaking. Again, no disrespect to trans people calling it a fetish. I’m not debating gender. There just IS a fetish ideology behind it for some people.

Post # 74
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

Clearly this is a complicated topic and I can’t wrap my mind around having a huge discussion on here about it. My main points stand. 

People are entitled respect and equal rights. People are not entitled to tell people what they have to believe. I don’t have to believe in someone’s lifestyle to know they are entitled to equal rights. I don’t have to believe In someone’s lifestyle to be respectful towards that person. 

 

carolinabelle :  

Post # 75
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

Your fiancé is not straight as you claim in the OP. He’s either bisexual, bicurious, queer, or maybe even hiding homosexuality. 

 

Have you both been tested for STD’s since the affair? 

 

If I were you I’d run for the hills. He increased your chances of contracting HIV 100% and it’s probably not the last time. Maybe not even the first. 

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