Post # 1
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
My S/O was cheated on in his more serious relationship prior to ours. They had been together for three years and she had a drunken one-night stand. He intitially tried to work things out but within a few months, he realized that the loss of trust combined with their other issues made it impossible to continue the relationship and he broke up with her.
After I learned about her cheating, I worried that he still might have some leftover baggage and insecurity, especially since the circumstances of our relationship were similar (both LDR). But that didn’t happen-until recently.
I recently moved to a new city where I am being a lot more social than I was previously. I have two male friends that I hang out with semi regularly-one is an old friend who has a serious Girlfriend and one is a new single friend. It took awhile to come out (he didn’t want to tell me how he felt for fear of seeming controlling) but he is jealous of my friends, especially the single one.
We had several very productive conversations about this and we’re slowing things down a bit and during his next visit, instead of eloping (which we had talked about) we are going to have him meet my friends, become integrated into my social group and do premarital counseling.
I really think that his jealousy is coming from being cheated on before and I don’t think he ever properly dealt with his feelings of hurt and betrayal. I’m at a loss for how I can help him do that-especially since I KNOW he’ll hold back talking about it to me. Maybe the counselor could do a one-on-one session with each of us?
Any other thoughts? Especially from those who have been there.
Post # 4
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
@worldtraveler: I don’t exactly have any advice, but I do think your decision to do premarital counseling and hold off a little on getting married is a great idea. I think the counseling alone may seriously help with this issue.
Post # 5
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
I can tell you from being in the position of your fiance and to dealing with a similar situation with mine, that its a slow process.
I did not cope well at all when i found out my previous long term bf had cheated on me and it resulted in my loosing the trust of most people i knew, as how could i tell who to trust anymore?
I took me a long LONG time to get to the point where i could open myself up again to be in another relationship, and even thought i know my SO loves and adores me it seriously something i stil struggle with. He has two good female friends, and they get under my skin like nobodys business!
My SO knows how much they get to me and constantly resures me i have nothing to worry about when i am being a jealous manic b****.
Its not the feelings of the ex that are the problem, but of having somebody who was so close to your heart break the trust that you put in them thats the worst part. And so you guard your heart and at the slightest incling im going to hurt again, a massive wall goes up, where before would be benefit of the doubt.
I dont need to be constantly reminded by my SO but i do appreciate when he reminds me that it is me he is marrying and plannign a life with and not these other girls. Im the one he put a dimond on the ring finger and not them.
I personally feel better when he tells me converstaions or when he sees them, all the little stuff that may not matter, reassures me hes not hiding anything.
I think you really need to reasure him you arent going anywhere, and its him you want to be with, not your other male friends. invite him to hang out with them, and encourage them to develop their own friendship and he will soon see that they arent a threat to him.
Post # 6
Member
4950 posts
Honey bee
I have a bit of a different background story… my FH’s mother had an affair when my FH was 19 and he was the one who caught her. It affected him quite a lot, and he was hesitant to trust me because of it.
For a while, if I went out, I told him where I was going, who I was going with, and when I expected to be back. When I got back, I’d give him the three sentence summary of what happened. For whatever reason, it made him feel better. It took some time, and a lot of reassurance, but it worked. He rarely gets “paranoid” (as he called it) anymore.
Post # 7
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
Thanks for the advice.
Unfortunately, he can’t meet my friends at this point since we are in a LDR. He is hoping to visit in about two months and he will meet them then. Until then, I am doing little things to make him feel better…making sure my phone stays charged so I am reachable, socializing closer to home so I’m not out crazy late, etc.
Sometimes, I want to SMACK his ex for hurting him like she did. Obviously, it’s to my benefit that they broke up but it sounds like they would’ve broken up at some point anyway-I wish he had been spared the pain of the cheating.