- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
You can read my past posts, but long story short, SO and I have been together 6 years. Lived together for about 2 1/2 years, and have been living an hour and a half apart for the last year since he took a new job and I finish grad school. We spend the weekends together either at our place where I am, or the new apt he has that I will be moving to when I’m done with school in a month or so.
We’ve had a few chats about marriage, but he would never really talk about anything concretely (except for in the very beginning of our relationship, strangely). I definitely want to get married and start a family. He’s sent a lot of mixed messages over the last few years about whether or not he wants kids. Sometimes he’ll say he does, and other times he’ll say he’s too old or some melodramatic thing about not wanting to bring children into the society we live in, etc.
I think that, especially after 6 years together without moving forward, we should be able to talk openly about what we want for the future and to see if we’re on the same page. The other night (after a few beers I admit, but I guess I was just feeling brave enough at the time to bring it up) I asked him if he wanted babies. Simple question. Somehow this escalated into an argument. I’m kind of a cry baby when I get frustrated, and he knows this, so it ended up in me crying because I was frustrated we couldn’t just have a rational conversation about our future. He said that he’s hesitant about marriage because his parents’ marriage didn’t work out. He asked if we were to get married now how would we pay for a wedding? (to which I replied, the same way we pay for traveling which we do frequently, work our asses off and save.) He said that when we met he could’ve just decided I was too young (we have a 10 year age difference) and found someone else to fast track into marriage and starting a family with, but that he waited for me (ok, thanks? so now what’s the hold up?) He claimed the only reason I want to get married is because two of my friends are/have (we just went to a wedding last weekend and one of my best friends is getting married in Oct.). I told him that wasn’t true and he asked me when I first started to think he might propose, to which I told him over two years ago. He said that I’m pressuring him, but honestly I don’t even bring up marriage to him very often. Usually it’s just a spin off of something to do with my friend’s wedding (I’m a BM). I said that I don’t want to be too old when I have kids but I also want to be able to enjoy being married for a few years before starting a family. I said my parents are getting older (they had me at an older age) and I’d like them to be around for a while for my kids because I didn’t have grandparents around except for when I was very young (his family is the same way). He got really mad and offended, because his Dad is deceased, and said it was insensitive of me to say that I want to be able to have my parents (and his mom) around for a while…
The argument basically ended by him saying he does want to get married and have kids, and for me to be patient (Geez that’s all I wanted to know! That we even wanted the same things out of life!). He did admit that I have been very patient when he found out I’ve been thinking he could propose for over two years now. I’ve kept my mouth shut totally until last summer, when he brought up marriage for the first time. And seriously, the topic only comes up when it has something to do with a wedding we’re going to/the wedding I’m going to be in and helping my friend plan. It’s always just been a natural progression in the conversation or him bringing it up. It’s not like I’m sitting here nagging him about it.
I think he got so annoyed that I even tried to have the conversation because he’s really traditional and wants it to be a surprise. But it’s not like I was sitting there saying, you need to tell me when you’re going to propose! All I did was ask if he wants babies. He made it sound like it was going to be soon and just kept telling me to please be patient. I am patient! I just wanted to know if it was ever going to happen at all! He said I should be able to tell what he wants because he’ll say things like what he wants to name his kids. But this is also right after him saying “I don’t know if I ever want kids.” I told him he sends mixed messages and it’s not fair to expect me to be a mind reader.
If a grand surprise is what he wanted, he’s had so many opportunities to do so. I’m at the point now that I feel like no matter what, it’s going to be a disappointment. Who wants to fight over the topic of getting engaged?? It does make me feel a lot better knowing marriage and kids are definitely what he wants. I told him the next day that I definitely don’t want to pressure him. He said I’m not pressuring him to do something he doesn’t want to do, I guess he just felt pressure on timing? I don’t know. But now I just feel bitter about the whole thing. Getting engaged is supposed to be an exciting time, and now I feel like ours is overshadowed by this disappointment and arguing. I’m not sure how to get past it. Anyone been in the same boat?