Post # 1
Ok here is the backstory. I used to be very good friends with my bridesmaid which is probably why I asked/told her that I wanted her to be my bridesmaid. Over this last year we have drifted, we never talk anymore and we never see each other. I think the last time I saw her was 2 months ago at a theatre show and we talked for 3 minutes.
Of all the various email threads I’ve send to my BM’s she has not replied to ONE single thread. I can also see that she’s online…I’m not even sure if she wants to be a bridesmaid anymore. She has become a very self-centred person and also very much obsessed with her boyfriend (which means she has no time for her girlfriends).
I don’t want to hurt her feelings or be a jerk but I really don’t want to have someone in my wedding party who i’m not close with anyone. I still want her to attend the wedding but as a guest.
How do I break this to her gently without losing my friend?
Post # 3
Call her up and see if she wants to do something wedding related – either shopping for something or maybe you need her to help with a DIY. If she declines, that would give you the opening to ask if she would rather step down as bridesmaid.
Post # 4
@bretonvirgniia: I am going to warn you now. People have super strong opinions about this topic, so be prepared.
I was in a similar situation. Have you tried talking to her or telling her how you feel? I would start with that. I was upfront with one of my BM’s that was acting the same way and since then things have been much better. If you still feel that you dont want her to be a part of your bridal party, then just be honest. Tell her that you have drifted and that you think its best that maybe she just be there as a guest…
Post # 5
@bretonvirgniia: You can’t kick her out without terminating the friendship. So if you’re ok with that, then I guess go for it.
If it were me, BEFORE I did that, I would try to talk to her. An open, honest conversation about your feelings, her feelings, whether or not SHE wants to continue to participate.
I don’t know all the details but you have to remember she has her own life, her own priorities, etc. Really assess yourself and try to see if perhaps you have unreasonable expectations.
Post # 6
@bretonvirgniia: Why don’t you talk to her and schedule a coffee date. See where she stands on this issue prior to you making a decision to cut her. I know when I was planning my wedding that’s all I was thinking about and at times was oblivious to what was going on in my friends’ lives. Maybe something is going on in her life and she doesn’t want to bother you with it? Let her get a chance to talk and catch up prior to deciding if you want to “uninvite” her to be in the bridal party.
Post # 7
I think just asking is the best way to go – Maybe ask if everything’s okay with her, as you haven’t heard from her in a while. If she says she’s fine, try suggesting a catch up or something? If she just seems to be avoiding you, maybe let her know “Hey, I feel like we haven’t spoken much lately and I know you’re busy but I’m wondering if maybe the bridesmaid thing is too much work with everything you’ve got going on. Would it be easier for you to come as a guest instead?”
I’m in a similar situation with one of my “best friends” that has been drifting away for the past year (more so in the past few months). I’m going to contact him with “Hey, I haven’t heard from you for a while, and you still haven’t gotten measured up for a suit and so on for the wedding. Are you sure you still want to be a bridesmaid, or would you be more comfortable coming just as a guest?”
If he says he still wants to be a bridesmaid, then we’ll try and go ahead. If not, then he has the option of attending as a guest.
Post # 8
why dont yu do something non wedding related.. she might feel that you dont want to do anything ele but wedding stuff. you need to remember that your wedding is not as important to others as it is to you.
Post # 9
There’s no way to do that gracefully. If she doesn’t buy the dress and show up, then she takes herself out of the wedding.
Post # 10
@bretonvirgniia: I don’t think you can ever demote a bridesmaid to guest and expect it to go hunky dory. It’s humiliating, regardless of your reasons.
That being said, I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man like that, and it sucked. So I sympathize. I had to talk in person to my non responsive bridesmaid and even after that she still sucked. I’ll be honest – I wish I had asked her to step out, she wouldn’t have come to my wedding but after the way she acted I would have been fine with that. Problem with that is, it suddenly becomes you who then looks like the big B for kicking her out.
Post # 11
tough situation. Just call her and give her a deadline for getting something done. Like getting her dress. If you are having the other girls get their dress say June 1 tell her she has to have it done by March 15. If she doesn’t have it done then that is her way of getting out of it. It will still give you time to find someone to replace her.
Post # 12
@bretonvirgniia: I feel like we’re in similar situations. This last year my friend and I had been distant. We’d talk, but not much. I got engaged and since then we don’t talk at all. I gave her a deadline about Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and never heard a response. Didn’t even know if she liked the dress. So I sent her an email a few days after that deadline, and told her exactly how I felt. I told her I felt ignored and I asked her straight up “Do you still want to be a bridesmaid?” I’ll be honest, I was hoping she’d say no. Like you, I don’t want someone standing up there if I’m not close with them. Unfortunately she said yes, and she’s sorry she’s been a bad friend (her words). She may be sorry about it, but it doesn’t mean she’s tried to fix anything. She still never answers any messages or makes an effort to talk to me. I extended her dress deadline for the dress until April, as that was some advice given here.
So if you REALLY don’t want her there, the only thing to do is to ask her to step down. (Don’t leave the decision up to her). But then like @Sunshine09 said, you look like the big B in the situation.
Post # 13
Try to talk to her and hang out in a non-wedding sense. See how her boyfriend is, what changes have gone on in her life, etc. Kicking her out of the bridal party is asking for the friendship to be over, so don’t take this lightly.
Post # 14
If she doesn’t respond to anything and does nothing in terms of getting a dress, participating, etc…then you have your answer. There is no need for you to try to get her to participate. She is showing you in non-action, what her choice is.
I would say nothing and keep going. Keep emailing her, including her. When she ends up without a dress or doesn’t know what is going on, then you can say something. Your work as a bride is to plan your wedding. It isn’t to wipe asses and to get people to do things they don’t want to do. You just keep going. Yes it hurts. Yes it’s annoying. But weddings involve people and people can be difficult.
Weddings do funny things to women friendships…they either bring them closer to together or they show you the cracks in your friendship. I had one very good friend make all sorts of rude comments to me when I got engaged and basically just fell off the face of the earth. I didn’t want to see it at the time but she was envious I was engaged and she couldn’t handle it. We are no longer friends. She lied to me twice and the whole thing let me see who she really is. She showed me who she really was and for my sanity, I have to believe her.
I’m sorry to hear your friend is acting shitty. But you don’t actually HAVE to do anything. You can just be and keep on keeping on.
Post # 15
I get really annoyed when people send BM’s e-mails all the time and get mad when they don’t respond. In My Humble Opinion, some people, even if they are online, don’t check their e-mail or FB messages. Can’t you just call her??
That being said, you can’t kick her out without ending the friendship. If you kick her out she may try to play it cool right away to avoid conflict but she will most certainly drop from your life. If you don’t mind that happening then go for it, but don’t be offended if she suddenly doesn’t want to come to your wedding.
Have you tried talking to her about non-wedding stuff like how her relationship is going and tell her how much you miss hanging out with her regularily? She may think YOU have dropped out of her life, rather than she dropping out of yours.
Post # 16
@Coral99: This is a great response.
Your Wedding Is Not An Imposition
There is no way to gracefully have her step down. No matter how you cut it you will end up feeling like a big jerk over it (at least for a while), no matter how insane she’s treated you.
I also had a crappy bridesmaid who ended up not being in the wedding party after all. She said she wanted to be involved, but then proceeded to give me about 20 different reasons why her life was hard and money was short for her at the moment. While I can sympathize with her situation, her life decisions put her there and I felt like she was blaming me for not ending up like her, if that makes any sort of weird sense. She was also non-responsive, and gave me zero feedback (then later complained that she couldn’t wear any of the dresses) on the bridesmaids dresses, which each bridesmaid is picking within certain criteria (fabric, length, color, and designer).
Anyway, this sort of thing really does show you who your friends are and who really cares about you. The only thing you can do is acknowledge that, be happy with what you have, and keep on going.