Post # 16
He needs to become a fit father and prove it to you or he needs to be out of the house. No maybe’s. You have kids. This isn’t a “maybe”. Every time you let him yell at you and the kids he realizes it’s OK to treat you like crap and it has the potential to escalate.
I won’t diagnose your husband, I’m not a professional, but you both need counseling. If he refuses, you go yourself and ask what you need to do (remove yourself and the children, have him leave etc). Go tomorrow, call today. You are hurting your kids by allowing this, you are supposed to be protecting them.
The anger I still feel towards my mother for staying with her emotionally abusive (and later physically after about two years) boyfriend ruined our relationship. Even 10 years after the fact, she still blames me and makes excuses for it. She was clearly not thinking of me, even after she had the counseling and was removed from the situation.
Post # 17
If you’re “staying together for the children” rethink it. In the kindest possible way, leaving is the safest thing for your own mental health, and that of your children, and the children will reap no benefits from you sticking it out. You’ve already identified his behaviour as a form of abuse, so if things aren’t changing, you need to leave (for the protection of yourself and your children).
Psychological studies have clearly shown that children generally have better outcomes from divorced parents, than they did if parents stay together in an obviously stressed relationship. Its a fact that marital discord has a huge and lasting impact on your children… It’s a huge tell that they already cower in their rooms.
Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is what love is supposed to look like? Girls tend to marry men who resemble their fathers in action; is this man what you would want for your daughter (if one is a girl). Would you advise your own children to settle, and grin and bear it through abuse? Because that’s the message you’re sending them if you stay in an abusive relationship.
I know you love him, and I know you don’t want to leave, but if not for yourself, do it for your children.
Post # 18
Exactly – displacement.
Your husband is probably very unhappy in life and is taking it out on his family. You can’t change him, only he can decide that he wants to end this way of coping and seek out help.
Until then I would separate and refuse to return unless he demonstrated a clear change of behavior for an extended time period.
Post # 19
FAMILY THERAPY!! Bring you, your husband AND THE KIDS!! No joke, at least for the first session the whole family must be there!!
Post # 20
I didn’t read the end of your post and didn’t realize his yelling had escalated to be abusive. Please call a family therapist who will ask you questions on the phone and before you arrive and tell you whether to bring the whole family or not. Typically in family therapy, a therapist will ask the whole family to attend for the first session to assess the household dynamic – or the current homeostasis of the house. Then they will go from there, either recommending the whole family comes in, just the couple, or in the case of abuse they will counsel you seperately (from my understanding that is more for physical abuse, but it depends on whether or not you have a manipulative/psychologically abusive partner… I lent my family therapy texbook to a friend so I am not 100% sure ATM).
Post # 21
I agree with PPs that I think counselling is the way you need to go – individually for all of you (especially your husband) and as a family. Do any of his family act like this too? Sometimes this behaviour can be learned if it is seen at home and they think it’s acceptable.
Post # 22
I can’t imagine how stressed you all must be! Have you gone to counseling?