Post # 1
I’m sure this board is full of topics like this, but wanted your take on my situation. Coworkers when it comes to weddings can be tricky. In my experience, coworkers can often fall into a sort of false sense of closeness due to daily proximity. I am not inviting “work friends” really, one of my bridesmaids I used to work with and works in my company elsewhere, but I don’t consider a work friend. I’m also inviting my direct supervisor who has been an advocate/mentor for me for 4+ years. One other coworker I sit directly next to has fallen into the category of “overly familiar.” When I told her I was engaged she said she wanted to be flower girl–she’s 52 years old. I offered a casual verbal invite but nothing formal.
I’m working on my save the dates now (wedding in July 2018) and have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to invite her. Our guest list is basically maxed out for our venue and we have a large family and many long-term friends we need to have room for. This woman is nice, has a kind heart and is fun to work with. But that’s it. I’ve never “hung out” with her outside of work (nor has it been suggested) but I feel like I have to invite her because I hinted at it when I was first engaged, before booking our venue or composing our guest list. Coworker has a somewhat “loud” personality that could be maybe embarrassing at the wedding. Since I’ve never actually interacted w/ her outside work I’ve no idea how she would mesh.
Furthermore, as kind a person as she is, we don’t have much in common at all. We’re decades apart in age, share diff. interests, and I know we would not have anything in common when our tenure as coworkers ends. In short, I feel like she has potential to “barge in” on the wedding (photobombs, etc) and in a few years time I would look back and think “why did I invite her?”
BUT I’m a non-confrontational person and I don’t want awkwardness at work for not inviting her. I think she would be insulted. I’ve read that a verbal invite is binding. I’ve COMPLETELY curbed discussing the wedding with her after I’ve begun having doubts. I’ve talked this over w/ my therapist and FI’s family but am still not 100% sure what to do.
Post # 2
What has she done to give you the impression that she’d photobomb your pictures? I’m assuming her flower girl comment was a joke. And lots of people have loud personalities. Is she unhinged and does she not have a filter? Since you already informally invited her, I would just follow through. Unless she truly is unruly. From what you have said it seems like she is just a nice person and is excited for you. If your venue isn’t actually maxed out I don’t see the harm in squeezing her onto the guest list. On your wedding day, other than going around and thanking all the guests, you won’t even realize that she is there. Because you will be dancing and having fun.
Post # 3
Just don’t send her an invite, if she asks explain that you hadn’t picked your venue previously when you spoke about it and now your venue is very small and you didn’t have any more room.
Post # 4
I think you are overthinking this just a little bit. Nothing wrong with that, because I do it too.
You are visualising a scenario of this woman barging into your photos, making off color jokes, etc. simply on the basis of her rambunctious personality at work. People tend to conduct themselves differently at the workplace and at weddings. Unless she has been invited to another co-workers wedding and behaved in a loud and obnoxious way, I would not be too worried. At 52 years old, I would imagine that she has better sense to not behave like an attention-seeking toddler. Besides you will be too busy and having too much fun on your wedding day to worry about her activities.
Anyway, since you have not formally invited her, you can still bow out of the invitation with the explanations PP has given. However, if you are inviting other people from your workplace and not this woman, be prepared for some awkwardness at the workplace. Personally, if I were you I would try to squeeze her in if people from your guest list bow out (You will always have 1 or 2 who can’t attend because of prior commitments).
Post # 5
If all you did was tell her you were engaged, with no actual plans or date for a wedding, the offhand comment on inviting her, could be seen as a momentary courtesy, not a concrete plan.
Don’t talk about wedding planning in work, or especially in front of her. Just don’t sent an STD or an invitation.
She would have to be clueless to confront you about coming to your wedding at this point. If she does, you can say “since we got engaged, the wedding planning has become such that we are planning an intimate, smaller event with just close family and friends.” She would have to be a total doofus not to get the hint.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
I ended up getting rid of Facebook for a similar reason. I don’t socialize with work people outside of business hours, and try to keep things cordial but professional in the office. I had allowed some co-workers to add me on FB and then realized there were others I absolutely did not want to allow access. It was just too awkward, so I quit altogether.
I don’t think a verbal invite is binding. Things change. Unless you had already sent her a STD, I would just omit her from the outgoing invite list. You aren’t obligated to include her based on a casual mention prompted by her suggesting she should be invited.
If she brings it up, venue constraints are a perfectly valid reason to cite for leaving her out. I would assume neither of the 2 other people who are going to be invited would be in the habit of chatting about your wedding to someone else, so she has no reason to know they are coming and she isn’t. If she has the poor taste to press the issue, just tell her you could only include people with whom you are exceptionally close, and you’re sure she’ll understand.
I doubt it will come to that though. Most people get the hint and back off. Hopefully, she will too.
Post # 7
Actually the flower girl thing at the time was way OTT. She did this before we were engaged too. You would think she was kidding but she was totally serious. I had to explain that we aren’t having a Flower Girl. So awkward and weird. She definitely does lack a filter, I wouldn’t say she is unhinged per se, but not having seen her outside work but hearing how she describes weekends, I’m a little concerns. I feel like a bad person 🙁
Post # 8
You know more than I do. If that was a serious comment she may be more eccentric than I thought.
Post # 9
Just don’t invite her, but you may want to also keep your talk about your wedding (and even your relationship) to yourself in the workplace from here going forward. You may be over-sharing which can give some people the impression that you’re actually friends when you’re just co-workers.
Post # 10
Just don’t invite her! I started a new job this summer (our wedding was last week), and I had intended on inviting my new coworkers because I’m an idiot. I’d even mentioned it to one, to keep the date clear. But as the weeks went on, I realized it wouldn’t be a good idea so I never gave them the invites, even though I felt similar feelings as you about that verbal mention. Was the best decision ever – I resigned from the job a few weeks before the wedding because my boss (who would have been invited) was so heinous. Can’t imagine what the wedding would have been like had I invited him or the other two coworkers. Not worth it!
And slomotion gave you an excellent excuse.
Post # 11
That’s my plan so far! Thanks for the advice.
I’m glad you can relate to me! I know if I left my job or even the department, I wouldn’t even be questioning it–she wouldn’t be invited. I’ve also known her for less than a year and maybe sat with her for 6 months at the most. In my guest list of family and old friends she just doesn’t “fit.”
Post # 12
I can totally relate to co-workers thinking they have been invited. I have one guy who keeps going on about how fun it wil be, I cant bring myself to say he wont be invited so I just brush it off. Probably wrong of me, however I never said he would be invited so maybe playing devils advocate he should feel rude for assuming right? 😉
Considering you dont hang out with this woman outside of work.. I wouldnt invite her at all. Yep, probably shouldnt have hinted that she was coming but I understand getting caught up in excitement and wanting to make those around feeel involved. But at the end of the day how close are you guys really, and if you are worried that she will be a distraction then you dont need that stress on the day.
HOWEVER, only you know how this will affect your work life and if you plan on staying at this work place for many years and know she will make it hell for you, then it may be worth just biting the bullet and inviting her. Placing her in a far corner away from you for the reception so you barely know she is there. 😛
Post # 13
I can relate, except I genuinely like the co worker that thinks he’s invited. Our budget just won’t allow more people and co workers were easier to cut than family for obvious reasons. But it’s awkward! I plan on just not talking about the wedding anymore, and redirecting conversation so that when the save the date doesn’t get sent to him we can both ignore it together until it goes away.
From what you’ve described I could see her saying something AFTER the wedding on how she wasn’t invited, but that’s after so at that point she can’t ruin your day and it’s just one less person in the office to make small talk with 😂