Post # 1
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
My bff has been with her boyfriend for 5 years this past november. She’s been wanting to get engaged since about the 2 year mark. Needless to say, it’s starting to take a toll on her. He’s 40 years old and she’s 31. She wants children but wants to be married first so it’s becoming more and more of an issue. he has promised her that he wants to marry her and she’s made it clear that she isn’t picky about a ring and it doesn’t have to be expensive. But still nothing. Her anniversary was hard, christmas was even harder.
Over christmas while sitting with my SO, bff and some other friends, SO brought up how he had considered a christmas proposal for me but that I had insisted we dont’ talk about engagement until the one year mark. Which is true. I wanted to make it to our anniversarya nd really come up with a realistic time line. Well my bff had a meltdown right there in front of everyone. she said “oh lord. Really? you guys have only been together for 10 months. Ive been waiting for years. Can we all just stop with the engagement nonsense so I can at least get engaged without having to watch everyone else around me get engaged? you all know this is like a huge sore spot right now so thanks for being rude and bringing it up.” and then got up and walked out. Our entire group was absolutely stunned. One girl just got engaged 3 days ago so she was pretty hurt that those comments were made. I wouldn’t say I was hurt but i’m definitely bothered that she can’t find it in herself to be happy that her friends are happy, engaged or not.
She has made comments before jokingly like “oh tell your SO he can’t propose until mine does ok? cuz it’s just not fair” and then will laugh it off. I have this terrible feeling though that if we do get engaged before her SO proposes that she won’t be happy for me. Who knows if that will even happen and who knows when I’ll actually get engaged. But I’m having a hard time dealing with how bitter she’s getting. It’s so bad that I can’t even share nice things with her anymore without it coming right back to being some kind of competition. Like SO got me a diamond necklace for christmas. Her SO didn’t get her anything and said they had to “pick up” her gift on friday (today). So she proceeded to be rather mean about my gift. She was like “well it’s just a necklace. Not a ring. I can live with that. A necklace isn’t really romantic and you don’t even wear necklaces so clearly he doesn’t even know you that well”. Why even say that stuff?
today will be a bad day if this christmas gift of hers isn’t an enagement ring. I am dreading getting a text from her about it.
I have talked with her about it but she just doesn’t think she’s wrong. She thinks it’s unfair of me specifically to be moving forward with my SO because we havent’ been together as long as she and her bf have.
I’m wondering how I can get through the rest of this time that she’s not engaged. I’m also wondering if it might be best if I just don’t talk about my relationship with her? she is the one to always bring it up, not me. But maybe I should just give vague diplomatic answers to things and leave out details so as to not set her off. idk. What do you think Bees?
Post # 2
Her problem is with her boyfriend- not with all the other people getting engaged. Although she obviously doesn’t see it that way. It’s a shame she can’t be happy for other people. It’s not like if someone else gets engaged it bumps her engagement down the line.
Post # 3
I think you should tell her she’s being a bitch. Being sad about not being engaged when it seems like everyone else is getting engaged is fine, but having a hissy fit, and cutting down someone else’s gifts because she’s unhappy with what she didn’t get is not. It’s childish. She’s been waiting a lot longer than you, sure, but that doesn’t mean she needs to spit on everyone else’s happiness.
She’s in her 30s for god’s sake. She needs to get it together. You might have to start distancing yourself from her if you do get engaged first because imagine planning your wedding with that debbie downer by your side.
Post # 4
First and foremost, you cannot live your life around hers. You get engaged when it works for you and your SO. <br /><br />Beyond that, if she is truly your BFF it’s time for a really honest conversation with her. She is directing her anger and frustration in all the wrong directions and that is not fair to you or your other friends. If I was ready years before my SO I would probably move on and that’s what she needs to figure out. She needs to decide she can be with him without an engagement or move on, but staying and being bitter about her friends’ happiness is only going to hurt the people around her and possibly cause her to lose friendships. <br /><br />If it were me and my BFF I’d tell her that I’m happy to listen any time she wants to vent, cry, yell, think out loud etc., but what I can’t do is feel like I can’t share my life happiness with her. That’s not to say that you go on & on about your (potential future) engagement but that is to say that she doesn’t get to tell your SO that he needs to hold off because she’s been with her SO longer. Everyone goes through rough times but you shouldn’t have to worry about ‘setting her off’.<br /><br />Good luck, your in a difficult position.
Post # 5
I am in the exact situation you are except, my best friend’s (it’s hard to even call her that these days) boyfriend of about 9 months or so, broke up with her in August and when I told her my boyfriend proposed to me, the look on her face looked like someone had punched her in the stomach. She used to be the sweetest and most fun person to be around, but now she is just plain mean.
The conversation quickly turned into it being about her and how she’s sad and lonely. She also basically told me that because she’s not happy, she finds it hard to be happy for me. Awesome.
Yeah… I’m at a loss about what to do with her too. But I will tell you something, when your boyfriend does propose to you, you can’t let her bitterness bring you down because there will be plenty of people wanting to celebrate with you.
Post # 6
she’s ridiculous and needs to take her head out of her ass.
Post # 7
If she is so unhappy with the situation she should set a date that he has to propose by or she leaves. Your right she isnt getting any younger and if she wants a marriage and children then she needs to make some changes in her life. However that is up for her to make and i know it hurts seeing her like this but its all on her. Personally if i were her age i wouldnt wait for a guy for five years and that is because i want children and the marriage. And I know she was joking about you not getting engaged before her but that is crazy, dont determine when you and your SO get engaged based on her relationship, who knows how long you would have to wait.
Post # 8
I think you deserve better friends than her. Your friend sounds very jealous and immature.
While I can see why she is hurt, the way she is handling it is unacceptable. Lashing out at other people who are engaged will not result in a proposal for her!
If you are offended by my words, I hope you know that I wasn’t trying to insult your friend. I was talking about her behavior. Real friends can be happy for each other even if they aren’t at the same stage of life.
I have always wanted a house. My husband and I will buy one next fall. Many of my friends bought houses before I did. While I was sad about not owning, it never stopped me from being excited and happy for my friends. I never walked out of their housewarming parties because I was upset about not having my own home.
It is clear that you are an amazing woman who deserves happiness. I am so glad that you found love and received a lovely necklace. Your best friend should not be making snide remarks about your presents. “It’s just a necklace.” What a fucking rude and tacky thing to say! So sorry you are going through this.
Post # 9
There’s no doubt about it, your friend was rude for blowing up in front of everyone like that. Rude and self-centered. And if she’s making these comments at age 31, she clearly has a lot of growing up to do. To be honest, I would be re-evaluating the friendship if I were you.
Since she is having trouble behaving appropriately and politely around other people who are enjoying good fortune that she wishes to have in her own life, it seems to me that the only way you can be around her as your own relationship progresses, is to be careful about what you say. And avoid the subject. While that will help you avoid drama with her, it doesn’t really sound like much fun. So I guess in practical terms, my advice would be to distance yourself from her.
However — and I’m absolutely not blaming your SO for bringing up the subject of proposals in front of her — I think this might be an opportunity to reflect on the idea of being more sensitive to the feelings of those around us. I know your SO wasn’t thinking that when he brought up the subject, it was going to go over like nails on a chalkboard with your friend, but unfortunately it did. Nobody is perfect and all-knowing, and sometimes we put our feet in our mouths, but it’s good to be mindful and try to avoid subjects that are painful to others.
For example, today I had lunch with a dear friend who is heartbroken because she and her DH have been TTC for about five years with no luck. Another friend — who is a wonderful, kind and caring person — came along and whipped out pictures of her relative’s newborn baby and went on and on about how it was a surprise “oops” baby and how cute he was, etc. etc. I could see how hard it was for my other friend to listen to all of this but bless her heart, she just sat there and listened politely.
Post # 10
She needs to direct that bitterness and frustration towards her boyfriend and NOT her friends. She’s obviously angry that the relationships around her are moving forth and hers is stagnant. Your right…more than likely she will be upset if you and your SO get engaged. It’s pretty sad she can’t be happy for someone else even when she’s not happy for her life. That is not yalls problem! I would agree to not talk about your relationship or anything to do with relationships with her and if she keeps having these attitudes or whatnot….I would honestly give her space for awhile
Post # 11
Can you imagine if she’s this bitter to her friends, how awful her boyfriend must have it? Purely from what you’ve said, she doesn’t sound like a nice person and if I was in her boyfriend’s shoes, I’d hesitate popping the question.
I feel sorry for her, she’s clearly very upset by the situation, but that’s no excuse for her to lash out at others. I don’t understand how she can feel so entitled as to demand/expect others around her to “wait their turn” until she gets what she wants.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB
You’re friend is being a super bitch. I’m sorry to say that But She really is. Her throwing hissy fits and tantrums isn’t going to get her engaged any faster. The boyfriend must be living in an absolute nightmare.
Don’t let her bitter bag of bones self hijack your happiness. It’s unfortunate you can’t share your Happy things with her But she’s clearly really upset about her waiting status.
Post # 13
I totally agree, the way she reacted was rude and she shouldn’t take out her issues on her friends. She needs to take it up with her other half. She should apologise to you for her behaviour.
But… Just to look at it from the other perspective… it must be hard to hear from your friend who has only been in a relationship for less than a year that’s she’s already talking about getting engaged with her OH when she’s already been in a (happy?) relationship for FIVE years with no engagement… It’s tough seeing your friends get engaged one by one when you’re still waiting. And I speak from experience- I just do the right thing and I am very polite and be happy for them 🙂 Just try to be a little more sensitive perhaps if you discuss things like that around her?
Post # 14
I’m not going to read all of the comments, but I think what you need to realize is “This is your life, and if your SO proposes before hers, OH WELL.” Live your life as you want it, not how others want it.
Post # 15
I was going to post something similar earlier today. I have a friend in a situation like this, except SO and I are getting married in 3 months. I’m curious whether any waiting bees have any advice for what to say or not to say to a friend like this.
Edited to add that my friend isn’t as openly upset about her lack of engagement, but I know she feels it.