(Closed) How to handle family asking when you are going to get married?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

If he’s been dating you for a year now, he hopefully has more spine than to be “scared off” by silly questions from your relatives.

All you have to say is “When the time is right.”  If they pursue, kindly excuse yourself or tell them this isn’t the time or place to discuss it.

Or, you could be like me before I was engaged and tell them over enthusiastically dripping with sarcasm (the more the better) that they will be the absolute first to know when you get engaged.  I found that usually shut people up that were being rude.

Post # 3
Member
47429 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

“When the time is right” or “When people stop asking”

Post # 4
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

What Julies1949 said.  Or, if you’re really tired of the question and want to punch back a little more, “why would you want to ask a question that makes people feel awkward and is really none of your business?  Now, hasn’t this been a lovely event the decor is so lovely.”   Word will probably quietly circulate not to ask sarabee about her relationship and I doubt you’ll have to answer the question again.    

Post # 5
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

 

Giiirrrlll, do I know that feeling… I just turned 28 and I’m not gonna lie — my 20’s were BEYOND tumultuous in terms of dating. I seriously dated about 5 different guys before meeting current S/O of 2 years, each relationship lasting from 6 months to 2 years, and honestly any one of them could have been the one until it was obvious that they weren’t, if that makes sense, and my favorite line that my one mean aunt likes to drop is, “Well, I hate to say it, sweetheart, but the only common denominator is YOU…”

(Seriously, she’s basically Cersei Lannister.)

My dad – who I haven’t spoken to in 2 years because he’s emotionally abusive and on Wife #3, so he doesn’t really have a leg to stand on — also likes to imply that it’s not them, as in men, it’s ME, and frankly ‘eff that. It’s such a ridiculous double-standard. Men don’t get pressured to settle down until well into their 30’s, but the second a woman turns 25 it’s like she might as well start wearing an egg timer around her neck or something.

The thing is, I don’t want to be like my dad and have multiple divorces under my belt. I don’t want to be like my sister who rushed into something at 21 and was divorced and short-selling her house by 23. I WANT TO FIND MY PARTNER IN LIFE… and that just doesn’t happen over night.

You’ll find your guy when you find your guy — if you haven’t already, that is — and it’s nobody’s beeswax when that “should” be or “has” to be. I personally just sort of laugh/roll my eyes, say something about getting my ducks in a row and then launch into all the OTHER fulfilling stuff I’m doing with my life (my career, traveling, writing, friends, etc.) as opposed to obsessing about locking down a man.

It’s (bleeping) 2015, for crying out loud. Let those people keep living in the 1950’s and you just enjoy the here and now with your lovely boyfriend <3

Post # 6
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
sarabee:  When people ask me invasive questions that make me uncomfortable I like to try to make them uncomfortable back. So in your case I might say something like “I hear people stop having sex once they go from dating to married. For now we are REALLY enjoying dating.” Or else skip their question and ask an invasive one of your own “I’m not sure. How’s your prostate?” 

Post # 7
Member
4541 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You can try the old, “since your so concerned about that subject, don’t worry you will be the FIRST to know.” 

for me I was being asked this question about 5 times a week from a co-worker who was nosy as hell. As soon as she found out that my Fiance aand I were together for 6 years she had a FIELD day and was constantly asking when we were gonna get married already (so rude!) so one say I answered with the above and she shut her mouth really quick..

Post # 8
Member
834 posts
Busy bee

@julies1049 +1! 

OP: I know all the feels! Although it seems (usually) that family members do it to stay apprised of your life, it usually comes off as being nosy and invasive. I try to remember that they mean well despite lacking a filter! My usual response is, “it will happen when it happens”. Then I artfully change the subject! 

Post # 10
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

Good suggestions so far – another one is “we’ll get married when there’s marriage equality for same sex couples!” (obviously doesn’t work if you’re in a country that already has it!)

As for your date, I would actually talk to him about it before hand. Explain how these relatives are so nosy and were asking you when you’re getting married long before he came along even when you were single. Explain to him to ignore them. 

Post # 11
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

This is the story of my life with these questions. I had a rough go of it until I finally just let it go and was able to calm myself down then these people bugged me- really it just took time for me. I don’t know a magic way to make it stop being annoying or rude or hurtful but I hope for you that one day, you’ll walk into the gathering expecting it and setting your mindset to just move past it for the day.

Also, it helps that my mom (if you have another family member as a buffer) will shut down people before they can even ask. She is awesome

Post # 12
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

I wish people would just stick to neutral openers like, “So what’s going on in your life?” and let the person you’re trying to make conversation with dictate in which direction they want the conversation to go.

Luckily, I never got these kind of questions too much, even when I have been in serious relationships… though it sounds like my SO gets them a lot from his family (“are you gonna marry her?”). Though when it did happen I usually turn bright red and stopped talking, so people got the hint really quick that they weren’t going to get any information out of me.

Post # 13
Member
4541 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
sarabee:  lol I went through the same thing, it’s so rude and intrusive! Honestly at every point in your life nosy people are gonna be annoying. Like one of my girlfriends has been married for 3 years and our coworkers are constantly busting her balls about when she’s gonna have kids! STFU hahaha, no matter what time it is in ur life u just can’t win 😉 don’t let them get to u!

Post # 15
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

Ugh, I hate these questions!  To me, it’s on the same level of rude as asking someone, “so, when do you think you’re going to lose some weight?”  No one with any manners would ever ask that question, so why is it okay to ask an equally personal question?

I wish I were better at answering these questions.  I just usually say, “Someday, I don’t know when,” and try to change the subject.

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