(Closed) How to handle friends after marriage

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

interesting. I agree with her that relationship matters are private, however that’s how I conduct my relationship at any stage – not just something I’ll do once married.  I never talk about issues in my relationship to anyone but my Fiance, because he is the only one that can address them with me and I don’t want people to think bad of him if I unloaded on them once when I was upset with him. Just not my style, but plenty of my friends do it. Not judging, but it’s hard to hear someone complain about their SO all the time, then they expect you to still like the guy when all you’ve heard is how awful he is!

Anyways, it’s also weird that she tells you not to talk about stuff but she talks about that kind of stuff. I don’t really know what to make of it – maybe you should have a conversation about it to her to gain clarity.  Or, maybe your friendship is just dwindling for multiple reasons? Not sure, but the best way to find out is to ask her!

Post # 4
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Ummm, well I do agree with keeping your marriage issues INSIDE of your marriage and I think it varies from couple to couple, because there are some things that just don’t need to be discussed with others…on the same hand, friends are there to support and help you no matter what the issue is….so I think your friend is being a little strange with this new boundary.

So for me, venting and finding perspective about my marriage with trusted friends is an asset to our relationship, everyone has a different experience and take on things, you can only benefit from that.

Bitching about him, what he does or does not do and things of a delicate or intimate nature are certainly off limits and those things lie between us alone, the line is quite clear to me as far as what those things are…

I think your friend is just a little overwhelmed right now, and is feeling like all the discussions about you, your upcoming nuptuals and the excitement of it all is getting a little old…I would chalk it up to foot in mouth and forget about it…it doesn’t really make sense anyway!

Post # 5
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think in a sense they did a little bit, like I normally don’t vent to friends about Darling Husband.  We are very close friends with one other couple and the girl of said couple and I vent about our relationships all the time.  For us it’s a way of figuring out what’s normal in a marriage and what’s something that’s a bigger problem we need to go back and deal with.  I don’t bash Darling Husband or anything it’s more like this is what’s going on and how I’m feeling/reacting to it.  Just find a new friend to talk to about this stuff.  I kind of agree that you should be careful about constantly complaining about someone.  Like if all you’re telling your friends about is the crappy stuff your SO does, then they’re not going to like him and not be as supportive.  But for me personally it’s totally fine and necessary to share what’s going on in my life.

Post # 8
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

oh good, can’t wait to hear her reasoning!

Post # 9
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

I just had this issue come up last week.  I sent a “venting” email to a friend and Fiance read it. He got upset that I was sharing such personal information with a friend.  I explained that she has been through similar issues with her Fiance and his kids and always gives me good perspective.  It did, however, make me re-think weather I over-share with people about what’s going on in my relationship.  

Post # 11
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Some friends aren’t built for that kind of friendship.

And some people are takers more than they are givers.

Then of course there are people who don’t realize how they come across to others.

I’m glad you asked her.  It’s not easy but at least you can go forward hopefully on the same page.

Post # 12
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Maybe it’s not what you’re saying, but how you’re saying it that makes her uncomfortable?

Post # 14
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ambereyez:  This is an excellent resolution IMO.  Instead of being pissy and punishing your friend silently, you got clarification.

I get where she’s coming from, but you probably will never need the heads up if you’re not an over-sharer.

Post # 15
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I hate it when friends vent to me about big or little things about their fiancés, boyfriends, etc. a relationship is between two people. If some of the boyfriends were there when GFs confided in me, boy would they be embarrassed. Also, no one ever thinks, “I overshare!” Changing the subject was the polite way to say, “Enough, already!” 

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