(Closed) How to handle friends criminal husband and dinner parties?

posted 5 years ago in Legal
Post # 3
Member
3691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

He hasn’t been convicted yet.  Are you absolutely sure he did what he’s being accused of?

Post # 4
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow, that is a really sad situation to be in. 🙁

I’m inclined to say… just ignore the situation and let him come for the sake of your friendship – your friend will probably need your support now more than ever, even if she doesn’t think you know about the situation. BUT if I were actually in your shoes I might feel really differently. Would it be possible to talk to her about it? I mean, that probably depends on how close you are… but that is like a GIANT elephant in the room! You could say to her privately, “So I saw this thing on tv…are you doing ok? is he getting counseling?” etc. it shouldnt be a secret! I dont know… as I’m typing that and re-reading your reponse it doesn’t seem that easy… 🙁 I’m sure someone else will have a better idea…

Post # 5
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’d suck it up and invite him. You’re doing it for your friend, not her husband. She’s going to need all the support she can get, whether her husband is guilty or not. 

Post # 6
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you would rather not mention it, I would do one of two things:

I would talk to your other friends about not inviting her, and asking that they stay discreet about the whole situation. If you really do not want him there and really dont want to do a girls night, then this seems like a good option.

or, like you were thinking, I would make the dinner a girls only thing, and just say you think it would be fun to have some “girl talk” and do other things that stereotypically seem to be associated with your gender.

There really doesn’t seem to be any other option for those two if you don’t want to bring it up and you do not want him there.

 

I understand why you wouldn’t want to invite him, but has he been convicted? If not, then I would just invite him. Even then, it might make your friend feel better if things went on normally as they usually do.

Post # 7
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@strawbabies:  oh, good point! I hadn’t thought of  that. Maybe that’s why she’s not bringing it up?

Post # 9
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Has he only been charged? When is his hearing? Do you actually think he’s guilty?

 

I tihnk, if you think he may be guilty, or if he’s been FOUND guilty, tell your friend you know. Tell her you’re not comfortable. You can’t help it.

Post # 11
Member
7760 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Puffthemagicdragon:  If you’re sure he’s guilty, then I think you need to find a way of not inviting him. Sex offenders need to be shunned.

I would say either make it girls only, or not invite that couple. If you don’t invite the couple it would use words along the lines of, “I don’t think we can do this given the current situation”. This is awful to deal with and I never have had to, but no way would I want to be seen to be giving any sort of support or normalcy to a sex offender.

Post # 12
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Puffthemagicdragon:  The only way you can be positive he committed the crimes are if you witnessed them or he confessed to you (and even confessions can be fake).

Trial by media is often a great misjustice in todays society. History is littered with cases of wrongful incarceration. Until proven gulity in a court of law he isn’t gulity of anything unless he confesses to it. Just because someone thinks someone is capable of committing a crime doesn’t mean they actually did it.

Look at it from this perspective- how would you feel if your partner was accused of sexual assault, you believe he didn’t do it and all your friends shun/abandon you and your partner?

Even if it is done discreetly as you call it your friends are going to know the reason why they have suddenly been left off the invite list. If it turns out that it isn;t true or he isn;t found gulity do you really think the friendship will survive?

Post # 13
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@paula1248:  “Sex offenders need to be shunned”

Wow what a terribly judgemental and ignorant thing to say. You do know that a large majority of sex offenders were infact molested themselves and that it is actually a disease like any other addiction. Sex offenders need to be helped not shunned. Hiding it and pushing into the back of the closet and spreading hate is never going to solve the problem or help the victims.

Post # 14
Member
7760 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@j_jaye:  I would never want to give any support to a sex offender. How would his victims feel to see his friends rallying around him as if nothing was wrong and inviting him to dinner parties? I am trying to see this from the point of view of the victim.

(Rest of answer edited out in view of the comment below me)

Post # 15
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Let’s not turn this thread into a debate on how sex offenders should be treated…

OP: I am sorry, I don’t have great advice. Just wanted to jump in and say that is a sucky situation to be in. I ould let your friend know what you saw on the news and let her know that if she needs anything you are there to support her. Maybe once she knows it is out in the open she will feel more comfortable talking to someone about it.

Post # 16
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I would probably talk to your friend about it and go from there. I wouldn’t be able to act like nothing was wrong or I didn’t know long term. Maybe she needs someone to talk to and will appreciate you bringing it up. And if she doesn’t, I am sure she will make that known too and you never have to mention it again.

There area lot of different types of sex offenders. If he didn’t do something violent since I do not have children I would probably let him come, but if you feel uncomfortable about that I would go ahead and make it a girl’s dinner until the situation blows over (ie until he goes to jail…?) 

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