(Closed) How to handle friends criminal husband and dinner parties?

posted 7 years ago in Legal
Post # 17
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Puffthemagicdragon:  I read the post title as ‘cannibal husband’ LOL awkward…

Anyway, I would either invite the guy for the sake of your friend – the last thing she needs is people abandoning her now, or just opt out of hosting the dinner parties altogether.

I wouldn’t bring it up to her.

Post # 18
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have only one question: How much do you want to retain this woman as a friend? 

Because if it’s a lot, then you might need to rethink your stance on interacting with her husband.  If it’s just a preference, and as previously stated, you do not want the husband over (even absent a conviction), then I think the only way to do that is to be honest with her.  You need to let her know you know and it’s not a secret, that you support her and care about her, but also that you are uncomfortable hosting her husband due to the situation.  She’s going to know what’s going on if you suddenly do an all gals event, or leave them off, or change things.  By being honest you can offer her your support still (and trust me, she desperately needs friends at a time like this!).  She very well may still be upset that you are condemning her husband (prior to any conviction) and ending the friendship with him regardless, but I think it offers the best chance through this mine field.  If she is still willing to talk to you, you can then offer gals night, night out instead of in (so you don’t need to host), or night with her alone, or ask her for suggestions.

Post # 19
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yikes this is an awkward situation.  I will be honest with you and post against most of the other responses.  Other readers may find this answer judgemental.  But I think with criminal charges there has to be something that brought it on and these things dont come out of nowhere.

Honestly, unless it was my best best friend I think I would not invite them.  And if it was one of my best friends, I would talk to her about why she hadn’t brought it up… since its public knowledge.  Is she hiding it, or embarassed, or in denial or what?  

I’m sorry, but even suspicion of a sexual crime bothers me, and I wouldn’t be able to support someone by inviting them into my houseand cooking for them if I could believe that they may have been involved in something like that.  I can see the issues here – you may be alienated from your group of friends, you may offend your friend, etc.

I would try to have a heart to heart with her, go for coffee and chat.  Maybe something like, “Hey friend how are you doing?  I hear some nasty rumours and I am concerned for you, what’s going on?  Are you ok?”  That might break into the conversation… see what she has to say.  Obviously she is standing by her husband so this is going to be personally offensive to her.  And she might be offended and never talk to you again.  Or, it might be a place for her to offload what is going on and she will confide in you.  You say you have the idea these charges are valid, perhaps from a personal experience or something she had said to you – if it is because of something she’s mentioned you could bring that up.

You could do the girls only thing… or what about going to a restaurant at your night, then you aren’t cooking for him.  Is noone in the group confronting this???

I think if the friendship was worth salvaging, I would have an honest heart to heart.  If not, or your suspicion is based on a personal experience with this man, I’d find new friends.   What does your husband have to say about it?  Is he friends with the man or the other guys?    Depending on who has the closer relationship, that’s who I’d suggest have the conversation.

 

Post # 20
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@kay01:  this.

Post # 21
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

It is innocent until proven guilty still, isn’t it?  Excluding this couple from your home is a powerful statement that you’ve already made up your mind and If your comfortable with that, there’s really no nice way to cut them out of your lives without it being quite clear.

either way, it’s your home and you are certainly entitled to decide who is or is not welcome within it’s walls.  I just feel so terribly for his wife, you know?

Post # 22
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

If you aren’t comfortable including him, and you aren’t comfortable talking to your friend, and you aren’t comfortable excluding her, just make it a girls night only. Who knows, she may enjoy a chance to have an all girls get together without having to deal with whatever is going on with her husband. Then next month, it’s somebody else’s problem to figure out.

IF somebody asks why girl’s only, just say you need some girl time- who needs more of an explanation than that?

Post # 23
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@kay01: I agree.

It’s an uncomfortable situation, but if you aren’t comfortable having him in your home because of the allegations/suspicions/pending conviction/etc, you need to let her know that you’re aware of it and that you want to be there for her but you would prefer to have some time to sort this out and ask that he not attend the next event. Like PPs pointed out, you may well lose her as a friend if she’s going to stand by his side, but I definitely understand the discomfort you’re experiencing, and you and your husband need to be comfortable in your home and with your company.

Post # 25
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

I think for me it would depend on the offense. Did he rape someone or abuse a child? Or did he get drunk and “relieve himself” in a place other than the bathroom. For me it’s like a traffic offense you can get a ticket for driving drunk and killing someone but you can also get one for going 5 mph over the speed limit. 

Post # 26
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Puffthemagicdragon:  With that new information, I’d be questioning the context in which this happened (coworker or subordinate, friends or strangers, drinking, force, etc). I think an honest talk with your friend is in order, because eventually everyone will know and she will know that everyone knew. Being honest with her is tough but likely the best approach. I would reiterate to her that I want to support her as best I can, but (based on the circumstances of the allegations) I need to modify my interaction with her husband in certain ways. 

Post # 27
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like there has been a dinner party since the arrest, how did that go? If that was uncomfortable for everyone then maybe that would be a better place to start with your friend. Maybe try to determine exactly why you don’t want him in your house. Are you concerned that this man would try to hurt someone while he was in your home? Do you just feel uncomfortable with him because of the allegations? Is one of the accusers someone you know personally? Do you consider this man your friend? Not that you need to answer these to us, but it might help you express something to your friend if you need to.

On the one hand, if you want to maintain a relationship with her, then I would either discreetly exclude both of them from your dinner party or invite them both. On the other hand, I don’t want to be negative, but if something like this was happening to one of my friends, then I feel like we would talk about it. By that I mean that maybe discreetly inviting them both won’t be as bad as you think it could be.

Please keep in mind that he may or may not be guilty. Without witnessing it yourself or hearing a confession, you never really know what happened or what anyone’s intentions really were.  The law is a funny thing and sometimes truly innocent people are arrested and convicted.

Post # 28
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@j_jaye: I’m not sure I’d use thew words “shunned” but I don’t disagree with her sentiment. I don’t want to coddle someone who is sexually harassing or assaulting someone else just because they have some history. It isn’t a free pass to a life as a horrible person. And I think if someone is convicted of a sexual crime, I have the right to not want to hang around them.

Post # 29
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I definately believe in “innocent until proven guilty” in terms of our social structure and legal system. However, I also believe in “go with your gut” If something/someone doesn’t look, smell, or act right, you have the right to distance yourself.

 

I’m all for a girls night. You can spend some time with your friend and give her a bit of a break from everything that is going on. If she brings up the topic, you can talk it out with her. But you don’t have to pretend to be comfortable with someone who you are not comfortable with, just because of social obligations.

 

I once worked with someone (high profile college athlete, and worked is a stretch since he didn’t do anything ever) who was charged with sexual assault. I was super uncomfortable with it (mostly because of his slimey attitude and poor work ethic) Under no circumstances would I have invited him into my home, either. (he’s since been found guilty in a pretty big case. It’s ben largely viewed as court bias, which is a fair argument)

 

Bottom line, it’s your home, your friends, you’re feelings- do what’s best for you.

Post # 30
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ok, from what has been said here the case was on the news. This means its probably a real sex offense charge, not like the bulls*** ones that happen to college streakers or drunk people peeing in an alley because we live in a ridiculous puritanical society.

Post # 31
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

Having worked in the legal field I can say that “go with your gut” about someone’s guilt is the absolute wrong way to go about it. Many innocent people get convicted off of the gut feelings of others and let’s face it, whether you want to admit it or not, gut feelings come with some level of prejudice.

With that being said, OP, its your house so I think do what makes you feel comfortable, but, if you want to keep your frienship intact then you should either talk to your friend about it or suck it up and invite them as a couple. I mean, if you saw it on the news, I’m sure she’s aware that it was on there too so I don’t see a problem with discussing it with her if a) you feel that strongly about it that you’re debating whether or not you should invite him or that he’s guilty of said crime or b) that these friends are close enough to come to your home and break bread with you.

The best thing to do is address it in the least confrontational way as possible and be supportive about it because I’m sure its a rough time for them both.

Good luck!

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