(Closed) How to handle friends criminal husband and dinner parties?

posted 8 years ago in Legal
Post # 32
412 posts
Helper bee

Maybe do a girls’ night in, guys night out? and then send home leftovers 😉 although i’m assuming you guys normally split up eventually, so it might still be obvious as to what you’re doing.

honestly, if you want to keep this friendship, if you’re going to take a stand, you should have the conversation with your friend. she’ll likely interpret your actions differently than you intended, and if she at least understands where you’re coming from, your friendship might be salvaged. i would also hope there’s more to the story if she’s staying with him, and maybe having that conversation will help one way or the other. i think broaching it runs the risk of straining your friendship in the short-term, but provides the greatest opportunity for long-term friendship maintenance. if a friend had an issue with my SO, i’d rather she tell me than start cutting him/us out of stuff without an explanation, and i’d feel like she respected and cared about ME a lot more if she told me to my face, whether i agreed with her stance or not.

heck, maybe telling her you’re not sure you’re comfortable with it but want to support HER might make her realize everyone else must know and not want to be out with him in a group environment anyway.

Post # 33
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would just talk to the friend. Invite her out to coffee or something & just tell her you saw something on TV & want to make sure she’s okay & how things are going. Very much like PP have said. I mean if this is a good friend, one you care about & want to keep – regardless of your dinner party – I would talk to her about it. Seriously, she’s got to be hurting really bad & is maybe just putting up a front. Its so sad when people feel they have to hide things from their friends – they suffer alone, instead of letting others help them heal. Maybe she’s suffering from depression & not able to ask for help yet. Friends need to be real (not saying you aren’t!) & not just put on happy faces at parties. Show her you’re there for her, if that’s what you want to do.

Please don’t talk to the other girls about this until you’ve talked with this friend. If she was trying to hide it & found out you were talking about her, she’s going to be more hurt & more inclined to withdrawl.

Post # 34
3229 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Puffthemagicdragon:  I think you need to be honest with your friend.  Let her know that you heard about thecharges, that you love and support her, but you would prefer if she did not bring her husband to your home for the couples dinner.  Let her know that a special seat will be saved for her.  Also inform her she does not have disclose anything to you.  That you just wanted share your concern for the dinner and that you are thereif she needs you.

Post # 35
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Do you think he is dangerous to yourself or your husband if you invite him over? If not, I say include him. 

Yes, he may be guilty. But I don’t really see how he is a threat in that situation and until he is convicted I think you put your friendship in jeaopardy by shunning him at this point. Invite him for the sake of your friendship and if he is guilty then he should be convicted, and probably serve some time, and problem solved. After he is actually convicted, when he is out, I think that would be a more approriate time to tell your friend you are uncomfortable being around him due to his conviction. 

Post # 36
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you’ve gotten some great advice, but I just have to chime in: if you value your friendship with this woman at all (which it sounds like you do), you have got to got to GOT TO have an honest conversation with her about this whole situation. Privacy is overrated. Politeness is overrated. This is THE moment in your friend’s life where she needs a friend, confidant, non-judgmental shoulder to cry on and ear to talk to. I am sure she is feeling a massive amount of shame and I am just as certain that this will be an uncomfortable, awkward conversation. You may have to work to get her to open up. But she most likely has nobody to talk to right now and she desperately needs someone. I cannot imagine what she is going through. Of course she’s not going to call you all up and say, over lasagna and some Bordeaux, “Oh, you know that man I’ve been sharing a bed with for __ years? Well, turns out he’s a sexual predator! Who’da thunk?” You’re not even comfortable having this man at your dinner table–imagine how she feels sharing a bed with him! Not that she necessarily believes he’s guilty or that your relationship to him is comparable to hers, just that I’d bet cash money that her radio silence is less a sign of “how she wants to deal with it” and more a symptom of how overwhelmingly suffocatingly embarassed she must be about the whole thing.

I hope I’m not sounding judgmental or overstepping my bounds, but honestly it sounds to me a little like this post boils down to: “How can I most successfully avoid any confrontation about this major earth-shattering event in my friend’s life, so that my friends and I can continue pretending that nothing is wrong & have our dinner parties as we always have, without things being awkward?” But here’s the thing: things have changed in a major, major way. If your friend’s husband is in fact guilty, her world as she knew it is over. If her husband is not guilty, they will still face years of ostracization, judgment, trust issues, etc. This is not something you can just avoid, at least not without serious consequences to your friendship.

Post # 37
191 posts
Blushing bee

If you honestly feel uncomfortable then I suggest going out as a group to a resturant and you saying you pay.  Chinese is always good and many resturants have group dinners were everyone shares.  Be there for your friend she has been through enough as it is.


Post # 38
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m on the fence with this one. Part of me sees how you’d prefer to not have him in your home and part of me makes me think “How would you feel to have the hostess ask you not to bring your husband”. If you were 100% sure he was guilty then I’d say it’s your home and if it makes you uncomfortable having him there then you have every right to ask him to not attend the dinner. If you’re not 100% sure then you should invite him and treat him like you did before you heard the accusation.

There are a lot of things family and friends do behind closed doors and in their private life we don’t know about. Some of these things might be illegal or just plain shocking. Some of these things may go on for years and are kept private and some things are found out. Once it’s discovered, whether it’s true or not you never look at that person the same way again. It changes your perception of them.

How would you feel if you didn’t invite him and he’s proven without a doubt 100% innocent?

Post # 39
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
@rome116:  +1.  You said exactly what I was thinking.


Post # 40
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

is keeping him out of your home more important than keeping your friendship?

i think in this situation, you can’t have it both ways. either you keep him out or you keep your friend. 

either way… i think you should broach the topic with your friend. if you are really close, she may need someone to lean on and is too afraid or embarassed to bring it up.

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