Post # 1
Okay, I need advice on how best to handle this. To make a long story shorter, my Maid/Matron of Honor (BFF of 14 years) is being pretty difficult. Complaining a lot about the cost of things, being passive agressive, and basically not very nice. She insisted that she throw me a b’ette party, I told her I didn’t want to do anything if it was too costly or inconvenient, then she complained the whole time that she was tired, it was expensive, my dad didn’t drive her to the airport…ugh! We bought $200+ Indian outfits for the Bridal Party, and she didn’t thank me or my mom and actually just made a back-handed comment about the color.
Anyway, I’ve been so stressed etc that I’ve been avoiding a big confrontation, but I think I can do so no longer. She’s telling me she can’t come to the rehearsal, and will be late for the dinner so that she can work a couple extra hours. I understand that her job is important, but she’s going to Europe for 10 days right after my wedding. So it’s not that she can’t take the time off. I only have 3 (+1 depending on whether my sister is up to standing 6 days before she’s due) attendants, so not having her at the rehearsal pus an extra burden on them. And I just feel like it’s another indication of her being unsupportive. I thought it would be exciting to have her involved. Now I’m not even looking forward to her coming at all.
So my question is, what should I say/do? I want to minimize drama b/c I don’t have the energy. But I want to figure out options to present her. I was thinking of having her stay with me the night before, but that seems like it’ll be a downer and a night mare. I don’t really believe in demoting BM’s, but I also don’t know how to handle this.Help!!
Post # 3
I completely understand how you feel. One of my Bridesmaid or Best Man at one point was not coming to our rehearsal lunch because she wanted to go to this annual, week long art festival that she’s very involved in. I was hurt because I honestly felt this was the one and only time that I asked her to be there for me and she put partying before me.
Honestly, the first thing I did was write out a long, scathing email which I did not send to her. Ivent to one of our good friends about it and I let myself be mad for just a little while.
Once I got was over the initial hurt I was feeling, I really started to emphasize to her how much her presence meant to me and that I understood that she was already flying back early for me so that meant a lot.
I think she ended up feeling a bit guilty, and last weekend at my shower she informed me that she made arrangements to come back in time for the rehearsal.
I suppose my only advice is – talk to her ad show her the love. If you come off hurt and angry, that might just push her away. Instead, emphasize how important she is to you and that will hopefully it will remind her of how much she too wants to be a part of your celebration.
Post # 4
I think you two need to have a straightforward heart to heart about what each of you wants and expects in regards to the wedding. What you actually say, I’m not so sure. Just be honest about your feelings.
Post # 5
Oh you and me are on similar boats.
My Maid/Matron of Honor has been my best friend since 2004, not as long as yours but I mean we’ve been like soul mate best friends.
But about 6 months ago or so she hooks up with this 18 year old, she’s 22. He has no job, no car, and now they’re both living with his mother. And her only job is wedding photography which is like maybe once a month if that. Now I wouldn’t care what age he was if he atleast had a job and a car. But my friend is a beautiful girl with loads of talent and she doesn’t see it and it’s like she just wants to be stuck in this crappy lifestyle when she has the potential to do and have so much more.
But anyways, this has nothing to do with this post lol but it’s leading into the fact that they live together and neither of them have a job…so they spend every waking minute together. Yet…when it comes to every calling me or texting me…it’s like pulling teeth. I can’t get her to come dress shopping with me because I can’t seem to fit in her…busy schedule…and yesterday was the peak.
I had texted her 3 days ago to ask when she would be available, she never got back with me so yesterday I sent her a text saying I was available today. She said she couldn’t because Thursdays are date days…with the guy she spends every waking minute with…so I was so mad at her that I drove an hour (I got lost) to find my other friend and gave her her card asking if she would be by bridesmaid. I was going to give it to her Saturday but I had to do it yesterday because I needed to feel like someone was there for me. Now as of last week I was just going to have my Maid/Matron of Honor and that was it but I decided a few days ago that I feel like now she doesn’t even deserve that priviledge of being the only one next to me. If it wouldn’t crush her I would tell her to forget it in general but I’m not that mean. But I will probably end up picking out a dress with out her and that will be her own fault.
Anyways I’m sorry that I just vented all over your vent but I thought maybe if you saw you’re not the only bride being hurt by your Maid/Matron of Honor that it would relieve some worry. Now lets have a group hug! 🙂 🙂
Here’s the best of luck to you and me dealing with our MOH’s.
Just maybe remind her of how important this is to you and how much you need her. A lot of people respond to feeling needed. A call of duty kind of reaction.
Post # 6
Thanks ladies…one of my questions, is it unreasonable that she is telling me she won’t take a flight 3 hours earlier to come to the rehearsal? It’s extra crappy b/c we were BM’s together a couple years ago, and she was unable to make the rehearsal (she was injured and not very able to walk). She talked incessantly about how awful she felt about it and she was a terrible Bridesmaid or Best Man etc. Now she’s basically like, ‘Well your rehearsal is too early (4PM) and since i’m taking vacation afterward I can’t afford extra time off’. She’s known about this from the very beginning…
I’m just not even sure what to say…I’m not even hurt anymore, I’m purely pissed. I don’t even want to talk to her. How do I get through the next six weeks and the wedding w/o having to go through some major drama with her…Maybe I’m a bad friend, but I really don’t have the energy for that?
Post # 7
So did this behavior start at the party? Or has it been going on since the engagement? I’m curious if something triggered this, or if she’s just being completely inconsiderate.
But I understand what you mean, at first I was hurt now I’m just pissed and getting to the point where I’m just like F it.
And you’re not being a bad friend. She’s acting as if you’re asking her to come to some casual lunch. This is your wedding.
Maybe try telling her first that you are stressed, and worn out from all the planning and stress, and that you need her and that you understand she has vacation but this your once in a lifetime wedding.
If she’s still acting like this then pull out the big guns and mention that she knew about the wedding before the vacation and tell her that she’s hurting you by acting like it means nothing to her.
I feel your pain. I send more hugs.