(Closed) How to handle objectections to marriage?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Why do they object to the wedding? I think we need a little more background in order to help you better ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

My family had a lot of objections to our engagement but we did our best to stay calm, cool, and open to talks about their concerns and our rebuttals/explanations to address every one of those concerns.  I don’t know about your family but I knew my family was bluffing and that’s why I was able to call them on their bluff by saying "I’m sorry you feel that way but I want to be married and I will do that with or without your blessing even though I would very much prefer your support and love through this very important time."  So with a lot of kicking and screaming, they eventually realized there was not much they could do because a wedding was getting planned and they knew I had no problem leaving them out even if they continued to threaten not to come.  And of course, they wanted to involved so there was no way they would opt to miss the wedding.

Also, do you have any supportive siblings or relatives on your side?  Allies within the family are very important during a time like this!

Good luck. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 5
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Ditto MissStellar.  Why are they objecting?  I’ve heard parents’ objections go from the ridiculous (e.g. he doesn’t make enough money, or he’s a different race) to the very serious (you two fight all the time, or he’s abusive.  See this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-can-i-stop-this-wedding for another view on that).  Are these objections points you can comprimise on (e.g. it’s too soon, or I don’t want you getting married while you’re still in college)?  Pushing it back a little might allay her fears.

Personally, if my mother expressed concerns over my marriage, I’d be stepping back.  She’s close enough to me to know if something isn’t right, and far enough away from the situation to think with her brain instead of with her heart.  But without more information, I can’t say.

Post # 7
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Wait- so your parents wanted him to ask you a year before he actually did? What’s wrong with that? Obviously if they wanted him to ask you once, they like him.

Is there something else going on that concerns them? (this is probably none of my business, but I will ask anyway) Are you two living together and they don’t like it? Or do you have a child together? If either of those ring true, maybe they are upset now because he didn’t marry you a year ago (or whatever).

All you really can do is talk to your parents. Explain that you love them, and appriciate their opinions, but you love your Fiance and you will marry him. Hopefully they will still attend and not say anything.

You could also ask your pastor/priest to skip over that part. Our pastor’s not asking "if anyone objects, speak now or forever hold their peace." We aren’t having that at all . So if someone objects, they’re outta luck!!

Good luck!

::EDIT::

I just saw this from your original post, "I have to tell my parents about the date and occasion before I enter into any contract."
Are you not legal age to be married? If you have to tell them before you enter into a legal contract, do they have to consent for your marriage?

Post # 8
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

The other thing I noticed, beyond the telling them before you enter a legal contract is you said he probably makes more than you.  In my opinion you should certainly know how much the other makes before you get married, how are you going to plan for your financial future if you have never discussed how much you each make?  How are you going to pay bills, buy a house, cars, or other major purchases if you don’t know what baseline you are starting at. 

 I think you may want to seriously think about having this heart to heart with your parents so you can understand why they may have concerns regarding your marraige. 

Post # 9
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with ekb830 that you and your fiance need to sit down and talk about finances before you commit to anything with this wedding, or to your marriage.  Finances are  not a deal-breaker for a marriage, but you  need a realistic idea of what you both make and what your long-term goals are (i.e. does one of you want a house, but the other would rather spend their "disposable" income on travel?).

If your parents are not supportive of the marriage, it’s not much of a stretch to think they might not be financially supportive of the wedding.  So you also need to think about what your wedding budget is.  Don’t overcommit to the wedding of your dream if it leave you in serious debt.

It will be a hard conversation, but I would suggest sitting down with one (either one, whomever you talk to most comfortably) of your parents about their objections.  Are they really holding a grudge because he didn’t pop the question soon enough?  Then why did they want him to propose by X time?  At one point, they wanted you to get married–were they bluffing, were they worried that if you waited too long, they would have religious concerns?

Good luck. 

Post # 10
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I don’t know you or your parents, sonipapdi, but it sounds like maybe they have never liked your fiance, and are just changing their excuse for why they don’t like him.  Maybe they were trying to convince you to break it off by telling you that he should have proposed by now, and now that he has proposed, they’re coming up with new reasons.

But from your second post, it sounds like they asked him when he planned to marry you and he said he wasn’t ready yet — is that right?  If that’s the case, you’re probably right about them holding a grudge against him because he didn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted.  If that’s true, that’s very unfair of them.  No one should be pressured into getting married before they are ready.

I’d also be curious to know why you need their approval for the contract!  I also agree with everyone who’s said that you two should get on the same page financially before tying the knot.

Post # 11
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Okay, I’m confused.  He’s a software developer but your parents say he has no career?  What type of school is he in?

I’m totally going to make a huge (and possibly rude) assumption here, but I’m guessing from your screenname that you are Indian/S Asian, like me?  I could be totally off-base, but the objections you’re listing make sense in that context more than any other I can think of.  For better or worse I think parents of our background can have a fairly narrow view of what makes someone worthy of marriage.  And it seems the biggest objection, as far as I can tell, is that he waited too long which may make them question your motives in dating you (again, makes sense in the Indian/SAsian context).  I’m still not entirely sure why, though, they are now completely against the marriage 6 mos after they pushed for it…can you elaborte a little?  As for the other things, I don’t think it’s fair for them to dictate that.  Sounds like you are planning and financing your own wedding, so if you’re not asking for their support there isn’t much they can do.  But I will agree with other posters that you should find out what his financial situation and future prospects are before getting married…that is something that will matter throughout your life.

It sounds like they don’t know you are engaged, is it possible that telling them you are will change their mind?  maybe they’ve been fearful that he has no plans to marry you so they have been trying to get you to leave the relationship, but now that you’re getting married it might change?  I know that no matter how much they objected, my parents would never, ever miss an important event in my life (esp. not my wedding).  Maybe your parents would react similarly?

Post # 12
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

That whole objecting part can be left out of the ceremony you know.

Post # 14
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wow, that’s a difficult reaction.  To ask more prying and overly personal questions, are you first generation?  Or are your parents still in India?  It seems like this reaction would make more sense in India than in the US where prolonged dating is the norm.  I know my parents have been freaking out for years about my getting married, but it’s also the case that I was the one refusing to make any decisions about marrying fizicsGuy (he was pretty clearly ready), so it’s a little bit different.

I think the fact that one of your parents is on board is definitely a start.  Aside from the "if he really loved you" argument, is there anything else that’s making her so adamant this is a bad idea?  Like were you totally ready to get married and upset that he hadn’t proposed when he wasn’t ready yet?  Not saying that’s a reason not to support your marriage, just trying to understand.  B/c, and it may be too late to bring this up, it might help to let her  know that this is a decision you wanted to come to together.  That you yourself weren’t worried about getting engaged 6 mos ago, so she shouldn’t be either.  I think in the long run, despite sometimes doing it in a heavy-handed way, when parents cling to traditional ideas of how things should be it is often b/c that is the only way they know to be sure their children will be safe.  So rather than see it as your mom being against you, maybe she is honestly worried.  I wish I knew the best way to let her know that you are happy and not worried, but I can understand that if this is so far outside of her comfort level she may have a hard time seeing it.  

To handle that, I think all you can do is be open and up front about what’s going on with you.  Tell her you’re engaged and planning for a wedding on xxx.  You know that you are with the right person, and you will be happy together.  You know that her disapproval stems from wanting what’s best for you, but that this is really what’s best for you and she needs to trust your judgment.  And it would mean the world to you that she attend your wedding.

I don’t think you should let her prevent you from getting married or cause you to delay.  You are an independent adult, and she doesn’t have the right to manipulate you (and you can easily prevent her from doing this).   I also don’t think you are obligated to defend your FH to your parents in any way (as in you don’t need to tell them what his salary is etc.).  You at most need to tell them that you understand their concern about your financial future and you are confident that you and your FH will be fine.  

I know the above is easier to write than carry out…especially the part about setting a wedding date without knowing whether your parents will attend.  But you’ve decided you want to build a life with your FH, and I think now would be a good time to let your parents know they can’t control your life…b/c I’ve seen too often where parents continue to try to dictate their children’s actions even after they are married which is ultimately terrible for the marriage.  

I hope that helps…keep us posted! 

Post # 15
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Thank you for all of the clarifying information — now the situation makes much more sense to me.  I think your parents, especially your mom, are stuck in the "no guy is good enough for our daughter" trap.  I’ve found (not from personal experience, through friends) that this tends to dissapate as the wedding planning gets further along.  Your mom will want to be a part of it all once you start planning and asking her for advice/opinions.  She may be stubborn at first, but I’d bet money that she will come around.  I thin fiziczgirl has some great suggestions!

Good luck.

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