Post # 1
I’m confused on ettiquite. One of my bridesmaids and her mother are giving me a shower in my hometown (about 2,000 miles from where I live now). The rest of my bridesmaids are scattered around the country/out of the country (all a plane ride away from my hometown). And my future mother in law lives about 1,500 miles from my hometown/shower location.
I want to make sure I include everyone, but I obviously do not expect any of these out of town people to make it to my shower. Especially since we are having a destination wedding 3 weeks later in another location.
My mother has said including the out of town bridesmaids and my future mother in law on the guest list for the shower would look like “gift grabbing.” I definitely do not want to do that, but I want them to know they are important to me. In addition she has demanded I invite mostly her friends–none of whom are invited to the wedding and some I’ve never met. She says I do not need to send them wedding invites either.
Now I’m super confused. What should I do? Invite Future Mother-In-Law and bridesmaids to shower, but contact each of them to let them know that their presence and gift are not required? Or leave them off the invite list and then contact them to let them know it was only because of the distance? And should I send wedding invtes to the people my mom has demanded be included in the shower?
Thanks for your help!
Post # 3
I think they would be confused and hurt if you left them off the list. Is there a limit to how many guests to invite? I would invite everyone. And it’s not proper etiquette for someone to be invited to the bridal shower and not the wedding. That IS considered gift grabbing. Either invite them to the wedding as well or not invite them to anything at all.
Post # 4
Thanks for your insight.
I definitely don’t feel comfortable inviting all of my mother’s friends. Looking at the list she sent me, it looks like a party for her, not me. But of course I haven’t lived in that area of the world for 14 years. My friends and the people I invited to the wedding are all over the country. As we are having a destination wedding 3 weeks later I DO NOT want to ask any of them to travel twice to come to a shower.
My mom’s argument is that “There are all kinds of showers. My showers were mostly put on by my mother’s friends.” Of course she wasn’t having a small destination wedding, she got married much younger before she left her hometown and friends left her hometown.
I’m really confused. I don’t want to upset my mother, but I also don’t want to contribute to a major ettiquite faux-pas. It might be different if we were talking about a lot of young people here. But the average age of her friends is 70 and they are much more ettiquite minded than people in my generation.
Thanks again for your help, and hopefully someone else has some insight on how to handle this.
Post # 5
I think you should invite your bridal party and Future Mother-In-Law to the shower to be nice. Maybe they’ll come. Some of my out of town BMs came to my shower, others didn’t. My Future Mother-In-Law did come. My shower did include a lot of my mom’s friends who I don’t know/don’t know well, however they’re all invited to the wedding. You absolutely should not invite anyone to the shower that isn’t invited to the wedding – that’s super rude.
Post # 6
Invite your bridesmaids & Future Mother-In-Law. It would be rude NOT to! Call or email when the invitations go out, and say I know travelling is pain, but I wanted to include you in the shower invitations. I completely understand if you cannot make it, and do not want to inconvenience you in the slightest.
Post # 7
Can’t you talk to your Future Mother-In-Law about this? I mean you are going to have to talk to her forever, and just explain she’s important to you, you know she most likely won’t come but you want her to know you want her there, just it’s unrealistic.
Do the same with BM’s.
Post # 8
I faced a similar challenge when I moved back to my old hometown in Australia where I no longer knew anyone except my own family and now my Fiance. We are getting married in my hometown but the cities where I previously lived are 300km and 500km away in opposite directions !! None of my bridemaids live any closer than this. I’ve also lived overseas and some of my girlfriends will be travelling from North America and the UK for my wedding.
I have reached agreement with my Mum and bridesmaids that we are going to have my bridal shower the afternoon the day before my wedding as most people will be in town by then or can travel a day early for our wedding to attend the bridal shower in my hometown.
My Fiance and I already each have a household of stuff so I am not looking for gifts for my bridal shower, just the company of the women friends who I’ve invited to my wedding.
Since you are having a destination wedding, why don’t you ask your bridesmaids to host a bridal shower the day before your wedding at your destination? That way all of your girlfriends will already be there. It will be a fun warm-up to the wedding and a good way of getting the girls together. Also, instead of kitchen-style gifts, your girfirneds could buy you lingerie if they had your sizing and perhaps it could be an afternoon sun-and-fun-lingerie party if it is a beach themed wedding etc. Lingerie is light and easy for the girls to transport.
I don’t know any country where it is not bad etiquette for Bridal shower guests not to be invited to the wedding. It’s your wedding. Hand your guest list to you Bridesmaids and let them host it and ask them to keep you and your Mum in the loop but it’s their privilege to host it.
Post # 9
I think they should invite your Future Mother-In-Law and the Bridal Party, as they would probably be hurt if they found out after the fact they were excluded (for whatever reason). Maybe a little note could be added about distance,etc. ?
As far as your Mom’s friends go…I’d talk to her about why she wants them invited. Did they ask her about it or has she attended similar events for their daughters so they’d like the chance to reciprocate? Unless you ask your Mom and her reasoning, you won’t really know, and then you’d feel uncomfortable. I know my Mom had several of her friends at mine that she’d worked with for a long time, and she always went to showers for their kids too (and none were invited to the weddings either). As long as everybody’s on the same page with no expectations, I don’t see where there’s a problem. Older women love these little events!