Post # 1
So I have a question for you bees – I need some perspective on this.
My best friend and I have been friends since highschool and we are reaching our thirties.
So a bit of background info on her to get a better picture of her situation. She graduated highschool and chose not to go to uni. Ever since then she’s struggled to find work and is still mostly unemployed but has gone back to school atleast and managed to move out of her parents house recently so she is doing what she can. She was diagnosed with depression a few years ago as well but i think she is starting to take smaller doses. Anyways, at the same time she has put on a lot of weight, basically she has doubled her weight. This has caused (along with everything else) a lot of anxiety especially in social situations
And I have been there any way I know how, left her alone when she really do not feel like seeing anyone, forced her to hang out when she is a bit down and so on. And she is a lovely person, she is loyal and have been there for me on the occasions that I needed her there as a friend.
Anyways, so when I got engaged she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid as she was the person after my mother and partner i am closest to. And she accepted and seemd excited.
Then I had my engagement party and she flaked last minute because she didnt feel comfortable in anything, I told her to just come in jeans and a hoodie but ultimately i did not give her a hard time about it just told ehr that it was fine. And now she tells me she will not be making it to my bachelorette party (quite a low key gathering of 3-4 people, I do not have a lot of friends) because of the financial and mental burden. Now i told her right away thay we can make it even cheaper or even that she shouldnt worry about it, this is about hanging out and having fun so i’ll gladly cover her expenses. She did not feel comfortable with this and I will not press on this matter.
But for my part, I am starting to feel really stressed about her, clearly she is not doing any of his towards me, she is having a hard time facing her own ghosts. But I told her that If this is too stressfull then she can back down as a bridesmaid and forget the whole ‘ finding a dress after a certain colour scheme and whatnot’ (at my expense mind you) and just wear what she feels good in and just get dolled up with me in the morning (hair and makeup which I am treating them to) if it makes her feel more comfortable, as it only matters to me that she shows up.
She said that it is alright and that she can continue with her bridesmaid role. But truth be told- It is kind of getting to be that there is a chance that she might flake at the last minute and I really do not know how to “push” on this more without making her feel like I would not want her there anymore – which is not the case. I just really do not want the stress of her backing out because of anxiety and then telling me the same day.
How would you bees do?
Post # 2
Let’s break this down – what would stress you out if she dropped out last second?
Post # 3
You sound like a good friend. I think anyone would stress if their MoH flaked out at the 11th hour, and your concerns that she might do this are well founded IMO. I’d talk to her again to make sure she knows how important it is to you that she show up. Then I’d have a backup plan in place in case she doesn’t.
Post # 4
This is a really tough situation. I agree with pp that you sound like a wonderful friend who’s really tried to make the bridesmaid role as easy as possible for your friend. You’ve been sensitive to her needs at every turn and understanding even when she flakes on big events for you.
I do agree that it’s more likely than not she will flake out on your wedding at the last minute. But you’ve already talked to her about your concerns and she brushed them off, so I’m not sure there’s any point in revisiting the subject. So, you have two options: kick her out (as gently as possible obviously) now, or just do nothing and brace yourself for the inevitable. I’d probably choose option B because she sounds fragile and I just wouldn’t want the drama or guilt of kicking her out…I’d rather it be her decision even if it happens at the last second.
Do you have other bridesmaids to stand up with you?
Post # 5
Agree with the pp”s. Go forward assuming she’s going to flake and have a backup plan.
Post # 6
There really is no back up plan and that is okay. If she flakes, then you have one less bridesmaid – no biggie. It absolutely sucks that she might not be there as she is a good friend, but her mental health and your continued friendship are more important than pressuring her further.
I would just try to accept it now and be pleasantly surprised if she is able to make it.
Post # 7
sunburn : emilyofnewmoon : sablescorpion22 :
Thank you for all the answers!
I did ask another friend whom I used to be really close with but have lost a lot of contact with just because of..well life really, after she flaked at the engagement party, she seemed a bit hurt hen I told her I had asked someone else as I wanted them there up with me as well (here it is normal to only have one bridesmaid) but did not say anyting out of order, I could just tell.
ut thank you all for the kind words, I will just have to proceed and just hope for the best but expect the worst and since I have asked someone else as well then there is no larger issue then “uneven” numbers in the bridal party.
Post # 8
You seem like a wonderful friend who is very considerate and thoughtful. I think I’d just let it play out as it is. Keep reassuring her and hope for the best. If she flakes day of, you are still going to be married to the move of your life and your wedding will still be beautiful and perfect. It sounds like she’s really struggling right now and you are a good friends for not pressing and pressuring her. I’d kind of mentally prepare for the possibility that she will flake but still hope and encourage the best.