(Closed) How to handle the dreaded "When are you going to have kids" prying

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I usually answer the ‘when are you guys having a baby’ question with ‘about 9 months after we get around to conceiving one’. 

Post # 17
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’ve been saying Lately “Well, I don’t know, We’ll see what happens…” in an intentionally vague way. People assume that I want kids and that we are trying I guess. “When it happens, it happens” and all that. BUT the truth is that we are not actively trying and I’m on the fence about having kids at all. So instead of telling people that (and probably getting in a debate about whether I should or shouldn’t) I just let them assume whatever they want.

Post # 18
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

This question drives me nuts. When I was younger I always wanted kids, in fact I considered it a dealbreaker if a guy didn’t want kids. Then after meeting my fiance who isn’t big on the idea of kids I have realized I’d rather spend my life going on adventures with him instead of settling down and having kids with anyone else. We have also discovered that due to a medical condition I may or may not even be fertile, which makes it a bit of a sensitive subject, knowing that we may not have the option if we do decide to.

My mother in law is the worst. I have explained to her my condition multiple times and I even stayed with them while recovering from pelvic surgery, she she still constantly makes comments about how I should “Hurry up and give them grandkids.” I always tell her to discuss grandkids with her daugher, who is significantly older than me and not fresh out of college like I am. I also know she eventually plans on kids, so I don’t mind pushing it off to her.

Post # 19
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Like most personal questions, I think it depends on your relationship with a person. However, I think a lot of people see it as just small talk “Oh you got married? Planning on starting a family?” as opposed to viciously prying. And if you have a reason that you don’t want to go into with them, being vague is fine. It’s certainly nothing to get touchey about. Children and marriage just go together. If you’re talking about people being rude and nosy, that’s different. But I’m confused where the defensiveness comes in.

Post # 20
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I think it can be a “just making conversation” type of thing, especially if you’re over 30. However, if you really never want them to ask you that question again, you have a few options…

– “We’ll see what happens…” implies you’re trying, yet is still vague. Also, it’s not an outright lie. Sadly it may prompt a “so, how’s the XYZ going?” question down the road.

– For religious acquaintances, you can try “it’s in the Lord’s hands” or “what will be will be” etc. They probably won’t question the plans of a higher power.

– If you really want them never to ask you again, you can even try “we would love kids, but we don’t think that we can have them” or similar. This does not only practically guarantee no follow-up questions, but with any luck they might mention it to similarly curious friends, so they will probably not ask you again either. Use with caution if you don’t like the idea your friends might discuss this behind your back.

To be honest, most people I know just tell the truth eg “I’m not even sure if I want kids, to be honest… maybe I’ll have them when I’m 40, or something, but if I never have them then it’s not the end of the world”.

Post # 21
Member
591 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
DanaWeddingGuest:  I might try this next time! We do want kids, we are actively trying for them and it’s not happening.  I get this question all the time – people don’t realize how insensitive it is.  I think I will give “you never know!” a try next time and see if that helps get people off my back. Thanks!

Post # 22
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

View original reply
katelyndawn89:  My Fiance made a comment once that “We shouldn’t wait too long because I want my parents to be able to enjoy grandkids.”

I got sort of pissed. I repeated what my mom always told me. “My parents did not have me so that I could pop out babies to satisfy some need for Grandchildren. They had me because they wanted a child. And I will not be having children until I am ready and want a child.”

Fiance practically jumped. He’s on team wait to have kids but his culture (read devout souther baptist) is very much all about the grandbabies and poppin them out!

My family is of the mind that you should live your life first and only have children when you are ready.

Post # 23
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
katelyndawn89:  “unless you know the person is dying to have babies.”  Personally I feel like this is worse.  My mom has been bugging me forever (since before we were engaged!)  Since we have been TTC (the last 4 months) she hasn’t asked, but she did say to my DH at Christmas that she “can’t wait to call him daddy.”  We’re not telling family that we’re TTC, and I’m already stressed enough about not being pregnant yet that I might blow up on anyone who asks.  Don’t need that added pressure.

My friends who I’ve told we’re TTC, I wouldn’t mind them asking.  I would just tell them, not pregnant yet.

 

Post # 24
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

1st time they ask… when we are ready.  2nd time… why do you ask, I thought we discussed this.  3rd time… why, are you having unprotected sex and you need moral support?

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Schatzie821.
Post # 26
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

 

View original reply
julies1949:  This.

I got to the point where I started saying “YOu shouldn’t ask people things like this – you never know who may or may not be having fertility issues.”

Post # 27
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 

View original reply
katelyndawn89:  I’m in the same boat. FMIL is really pushing for it sooner than later… and I don’t get married until August. I’m not sure if I fully want kids or not, I think I’ll be happy either way but Future Mother-In-Law is always saying how I have to have “at least 3” which is WAY more than I’ve ever wanted.

I talked to Fiance about it, and had him talk to his mother about it. He told her if she keeps bringing it up, she’s just pushing me towards not having kids at all. Since then she hasn’t made a peep. When other people ask me, I tell them it’s not something I’m considering right now, and the more people that ask me about it, the more likely I am to not have any.

Post # 28
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon

Haven’t had to field this question yet, but when I do:

“Why do you ask?”

If I’m in a bad mood/person is being particularly nosy: What 

View original reply
GFerg said — love that! Call ’em out on it! But, like I mentioned below, you want to be careful with even aproaching the subject that you’re having issues.  Rumors and unwanted advice are not fun.

“When genetic splicing becomes legal.  We really want a half-baby-half-puppy!” This has the added advantage of making a joke out of it.

View original reply
Rachel631:  My experience is that telling people you’re having fertility issues will get you even more discussion about it. LOTS of unsolicited advice. “Don’t stress out” “Put your legs in the air” “Only have sex missionary/doggie/girl-on-top” (whatever they think is the right answer) “My cousin was having trouble, but she managed to get pregnant on cycle 2 by doing X, Y, and Z!” Also, the rumor will spread and ALL your family and friends will know within a few days. I would not do that at all.

Post # 29
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Family (and friends) have been asking us that since before we got married, and literally after we got married. It’s slowed some lately, but the question comes up every once in awhile. So no, you are not alone in your feelings! Heck, evben my mom has been cutting out articles regarding what I shoudl be doing before we start TTC – she really wants a grandkid.

It is funny, cos some of my friends that have asked… they were married for QUITE a few years before they had any children, and expect us to plop out a kid immediately after marriage. I’d like to have this newlywed stage with my DH (although we are in our 30’s)… but our time will come.

Post # 30
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

View original reply
MrsYellowDaffodil:  That sounds… horrific. I wonder if it’s a cultural thing? My experience is the complete opposite… it stops all conversation dead apart from a few sympathetic hums and nods, and then nobody brings up the topic of children within your earshot ever again. The only advice I got was that I “still had plenty of time” and that I should “find a good specialist. GPs don’t really know much about this sort of thing”.

The topic ‘How to handle the dreaded "When are you going to have kids" prying’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors