How to handle this?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
4661 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Work with his strengths. Fiance cannot clean properly. But he can vacuum and do laundry and take the trash out. I clean the bathroom and kitchen.

Post # 32
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

Anyone can learn to clean to a reasonable standard.  Don’t let him off the hook.  You might need to train-by-example or model your expectations for a while.  Maybe give him choices, such as  “the countertops wed to be s rubbed with a disinfectant and then the sponge needs to be sanitized.  And the stovetop needs to be cleaned, including under the burners.  Which would you rather do?”  This way, you’re given  the impression of collaboration rTher than g Vying The riders, but you’re also making t clear whet the expectations are.

ugh. And it really pisses me off how much emotional labor is necessary somet New to get someone to wash a frigging saucepan properly or mop the floor. 

Housework sucks and no one enjoys it, just it’s part of being an adult.  

Post # 33
Member
5893 posts
Bee Keeper

BalletParker :  “stacking them precariously with iron on top of glass”

lmao- how….HOW…..is this not basic common sense?!?!  

“we agreed that I could give him one cleaning tip a day”  

*stealing*

newbee592 :  “Maybe he’s sabotaging the dish washing so you’ll do it instead lol”

I strongly suspect this is the case with laundry! #howissortingnotbasicfuckingcommonsense

Post # 34
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

My husband also sucks at cleaning so I do it all it’s a lot less stress for me and it also works well because I have the weekends off and he works on Saturdays so I spend Saturday cleaning and it truly isn’t a big deal

Post # 36
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

We are both neat freaks but that’s not always a good thing.  We don’t have assigned chores per se, but there are things we are each better at.  Darling Husband has very high standards for the bathroom, probably because he’s a PA and is obsessed with germs, so that’s become his job.  He hates dusting so that’s mine.  I’m a teacher and we have an 11 month old so we have a cleaning service come every 2 weeks during the school year.  It has made such a huge difference in our lives!

Of course they don’t do dishes.  Darling Husband likes to cook more than me and when we first moved in together this was something we had to work out.  What has worked for us is that we share both responsibilities, cooking and cleaning.  We’ve also simplified our meals and make a lot of one pot slops.  I do most of the prep work while Darling Husband does the actual cooking.  While he’s at the stove I start a lot of the cleaning, like wiping down the counters and cleaning the cutting boards.  He then will get the cooking pots themselves and we both load the dishwasher.  It not only makes things go faster, but it’s a nice time to chat a bit.  We also take turns with the baby so some days he does more cleaning and on others me.  This arrangement has worked out pretty good for us.

Post # 37
Member
650 posts
Busy bee

secretlifeofbees :  My husband has admitted he’s too tired after dinner to have to do extensive clean up so I’ve simplified our dinner to be one pot meal or roasting dish when I can thru the week so it’s minimal clean up.  I think if was less work maybe he would do a better job on those items? 

Sponges are rather unhygienic so I would throw it away and utilize a brush or similar item that can be sanitized in the dishwasher to help, too. 

Post # 38
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

Just think of the things he does more often for you while you’re doing more of the cleaning 😉 

Post # 39
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee

We alternate cooking and cleaning. I’m out of the house more, but I’m also the better cook. FH does pretty good about most of this stuff when it’s his turn to clean. However cooks doesn’t clean always, in ou rhouse, he brought in that rule. The first few times he cleaned, I realized he had a different expectation of what cleaning the kitchen looks like for him. So we took some time and walked through it step by step. He preferred I didn’t spill as much when I cook especially on the stove. So we walked through it step by the step what tidying the kitchen means to each of us. Compromised on the list and things have been fine.

 

Post # 40
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

secretlifeofbees :  Ugh.  I think that this is really tough.  On the one hand, it’s not fair to say that you should have to do everything yourself just because he’s satisfied with doing a half assed job.  On the other hand, you aren’t the dictator of the house and he’s not required to get everything up to your standards.  I also disagree that a cleaner is the solution here.  WE aren’t talking about cleaning the bathroom 1x per week but about cleaning up the kitchen after every meal.

I think what you need here is some honest dialouge and negotiation.  I think that the two of you need to agree explicitly on what the standards are for your kitchen cleanliness before you go to bed.  Maybe your standards are too exacting but his are too lax – so negotiate it and agree to something in the middle.  Then maybe document it in a checklist.  Then make sure you appreciate him when it’s done well to reinforce the habit.

This sounds so clinical, but it really seems that you two need to come to a fair place on what “done” looks like when clearning the kitchen.  If this is too much for him, consider re-distributintg the chores.  Maybe he should take over cooking or other chores.

Post # 41
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

hikingbride :  you took the words right out of my mouth!! What a crock of shyt sexist excuses.

Post # 42
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

No, that is bullshit behavior. He has eyes, he knows they aren’t clean. I don’t care if he wants to be done faster. I’m sure you want cooking to go faster but you’re not going to undercook the chicken.

If it were me, I would say, “Look, you know what you’re doing is messed up. I will give you one more chance tomorrow after dinner. If the dishes are not clean after you wash them, from here on out I will make dinner for me and you will figure your own shit out.”

He could eat cereal every night for all I’d care. That is childish damn behavior. Like a spoiled kid whose parents told him to dust the shelves and he only dusted the fronts because he didn’t want to do it.

Post # 43
Member
2928 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

This behavior would irk me as well.  It’s one thing to have very picky standards and not have him meet them, but that doesn’t sound like the problem.  He’s just doing a half ass job because he doesn’t want to.  I’d probably have another discussion, explaining how it’s extra work to wash the dishes again instead of just doing them correctly the first time.  If he still doesn’t care, then start eating out exclusively.  Maybe having it hit him in the wallet will be a wake up call.

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