Post # 1
There is this girl. Let’s call her Ann. Prior to me meeting my husband, aruond 2008, Ann met one of my graduate school friends on eharmony. He dated her for a couple of months, thought she was not his type and broke it off. She was upset and asked him to reconsider. He said “no.” I later dated this graduate school friend for a couple of weeks, it didn’t work out, we remain friendly, but through facebook she found out that said graduate friend and I dated. Ann, apparently, also had a crush on my husband who she went to graduate school with. Ann wrote my husband muliple love letters. According to both my husband and to our mutual friends, my husband never reciprocated these feelings. So, in short, I have dated one of Ann’s ex boyfriends and I have married a man who, at one time, she had a crush on. It’s actually just sort of a series of strange coincidences and I did not even know who she was until a few months into dating my husband.
Here’s the problem: Ann and my husband continue to remain friends. I want to be cool and supportive. I know he has absolutely no feelings for her and I don’t want to get in the way of a friendship. However, Ann is VERY cold to me. I don’t know how to treat the situation. We all hang out in the same group and I really don’t know what to do. Last night she was borderline bitchy to me. I’m kind of a people pleaser and I think I make things worse by just trying harder. It’s just a mess
Post # 3
Kill her with kindness. I’m all for being a bitch, but the whole kill-with-kindness thing is way more effective. Just be obscenely nice.
“Ann! You look so pretty tonight! I love your blouse!” Do it enough, and she won’t be able to be a bitch anymore. If anything, she’ll look like the bad guy for not being kind to you.
Post # 4
I would have a come to Jesus meeting with her ASAP! What she is doing/did is ridiculous. I would present the facts to her as you did us, hopefully showing how silly almost ‘boiled bunny’ behavior she is carrying out is just not cool.
I think if you talk to her in a calm, matter of fact way, (not being upset). Is the way to go.
What does your husband say about the matter? Does he have an opinion?
Post # 5
If I had an ex crush who was nice to me but rude to my Fiance/husband then they are not worth keeping friendship with.
Post # 6
Well, there is a mind trick you could try.
As you guys all hang out together, ask her for a favour. One that she’ll have to say yes to or face looking like a bitch. I read once that when people who dislike you do things for you, it tricks them into thinking they like you, because why else would they have done something nice for you? It’s manipulative, but it won’t make things worse. I remember reading that a scientist did this once and it apparently worked very well.
Otherwise, just stop trying. If she’s being borderline bitchy just say ‘what’s your problem?’, but in a friendly sort of way (put empahsis on ‘your’ and smile when you say it). I doubt she’ll continue acting like a brat once you’ve called her out on it, she had the opportunity right then to air any grievences and yet, because of social ettiquette I really doubt she’d say ‘i don’t like you because blah blah blah’. It’s sort of a ‘speak now or forever hold your piece!’
Post # 7
I’m kind of the same way (people pleaser), but at some point I realized that it’s just going to be impossible to be friends with everyone. Be kind and polite, but I don’t think you need to go out of your way to be friends with her. Does your husband know how you feel about her?
Post # 8
I would probably ignore her. I think it would bother me if my DH was friends with someone who was a jerk to me. Or, I would be the bigger person and not feel like she is a threat and just be nice to her… not sure!
Post # 9
Dont do anything different! Its not you, you are not doing anything wrong. But let your fiance know how you feel and maybe next time he can see for himself how she is being with you. After your fiancé sees how she is, he will feel different and maybe eventually cut ties. He needs to witness for himself.
The last thing you want to do is be rude back or confront her. She probably wants that. Don’t give her the satisfaction that shes getting to you. Good luck!
Post # 10
I’ve told my husband how I feel. He says “yeah she is being really cold to you. I don’t even know if she realizes it. I wouldn’t say she is bitchy but she is very cold to you.” I said, “well I don’t know that I want to hang around her. If you want to continue the friendshup I’m not going to tell you what to do, but she makes me feel awkward.” And that was that. I just don’t know how to feel. I do sort of think he needs to say something to her or stand up to her about the way that she treats me, but I don’t know if I am being too demanding. I feel for her. It sucks to like a guy and not have them like you back. I’ve been in that position MANY times.
Post # 11
he is aware that she is cold with me. It was hard last night NOT to notice. He totally admitted she is cold but he said that he thinks she just can’t help herself. Ugh what an impossibly awkward situation
Post # 12
Can you imagine..It’s probably killing her to see you and your fiance happy…remind yourself when shes cold. She’s most likely jealous. Your fiancé and you can not control how people treat you. Ignore her, just be polite and move forward.
Post # 13
@carolsdaughter: I would stand your ground and kill her with kindness & compassion. From what you have said, it sounds like she maybe jealous and still has feelings for your husband. It sucks having feelings for someone that does not return it.
Post # 14
THIS THIS THIS. I had a situation with a serious boyfriend where he was friends with a girl who had had a pining longing adoring crush on him for YEARS. I knew he didn’t return her feelings but was cool with her as a friend. I spoke to him in private about it, and in public, I put on a show of being so awesome to her…
You know what’s interesting too? I was sort of faking it at first but we eventually became friendly for real. She genuinely warmed to me despite her obsession with my boyfriend. You never know, it could happen to you! Being awesome to people can have good effects, even if you’re doing it with an ulterior motive, haha.
Post # 15
This sort of happened between my Maid/Matron of Honor and her boyfriend (he was also one of our groomsmen).
My Maid/Matron of Honor, Minde, couldn’t stand this chick Taylor. Taylor came over to my house to see Minde’s horse, with Minde’s boyfriend.. Minde didn’t like that because she had never met this random chick..
Long story short; though, Minde ended up asking Taylor to a lunch and they got over their differences. Turned out that Taylor didn’t have any real interest in Minde’s boyfriend, and Taylor ended up being in our group of friends, bestfriends with Minde, and even one of my bridesmaids.
So,.. if you play nice.. or even invite her to a lunch to “get over your differences”,.. it might turn out to be a good thing and she’ll end up liking you in the end.
Post # 16
I have asked her our once. We hung out one on one. I tried to be really nice during the night. She ended the night abruptly. She later told hubby that it was “awkward.” I haven’t tried asking her to hang out again. I still don’t know what I did or said wrong during the course of that night. I didn’t bring up her relationship with hubby or her relationship with my friend (my ex). I just tried to be pleasant. At the time, we were wedding planning and I did talk about wedding decorations. Not sure if that was what upset her. She came to the wedding and criticized it loudly to several people.