(Closed) How to have this conversation with FMIL?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

Awkward situation you have there! Do you think that maybe there might be more to this than just the fact that the room is too small? I have a feeling that you really don’t want her there while you’re getting ready, and you just want her to back off a bit.

Post # 4
Hostess
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It doesn’t seem like there’s much of a way around it…just tell her it’s not going to work. I would be careful however, not to mention the flower girl or grandchildren issues as she may get easily offended.

Post # 6
Member
12624 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you just need to stand your ground.  Stop even adding justifications, and say, “no, I’m sorry, that plan won’t work” and end it there.  I’m so sorry you have to deal with this!

Post # 9
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Just keep smiling and tell her that you are so sorry but its just not going to work.

Post # 10
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

I suppose she’s not going to understand if you try confronting her about the size of the room. She’ll think (understandably) that it’s a small issue that you might be overreacting about due to stress. 

Perhaps you could try to help her see the bigger picture. like calmly explaining to her TOGETHER, that you understand that this wedding is a big deal to her because she loves her son, but her attitude is taking away all the joy of what should be a happy moment in your lives. Ask her kindly but firmly to stick to your rules. The key to sending the message across is to follow through with what you say, and use the “broken record technique”.

example: If you don’t want her to use the room, be consistent in showing your wishes. If she presents a solution, be firm and say that you don’t want a solution, because you plan on reserving the room to a limited number of people. If she doesn’t get it, keep repeating the same thing. I know you’ll sound like a broken record, but it what some people need to hear till it finally registers.

Post # 11
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yeah, I agree that’s pretty rude of her.  What about telling her that you want it to be a special private time with your mom and sisters?  Unless she wouldn’t understand something like that.

Post # 12
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Explain to her (or have your fiance do it) that this will be your special time with your mom and sisters and if she wants to get ready at the venue, she will have to book her own room. You can say it’s nothing against her and you’d enjoy her company (and her daughters’ and granddaughters’ company) another time, but that you really want to spend the time right before the wedding with your own immediate family. If she still doesn’t get it, you will probably have to be rude. It may cause problems, but if she throws a fit abut it, make your fiance explain to her that SHE is the one causing problems and being rude by intruding on your personal space and privacy and that she owes you an apology.

Post # 13
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

This calls for the lather, rinse, repeat method + an “I’m sorry that won’t be possible” and a huge side of beandip.

No matter what she says just keep repeating “I’m sorry that won’t be possible”.

Her: it will be so nice you, fifi, muffy and I all getting ready together.

You: I’m sorry but it won’t be possible for you to use the room.

Her: But we need to get ready at the venue

You: I’m sorry but that won’t be possible

Her: Our clothes will be creased it we can’t get ready there, and Fifi will need her diaper changed, and Muffy wants to help zip the dress.

You: I’m sorry that won’t be possible. Please make alternate arrangements.

Her: But, we simply must be there, won’t someone think of the children.

You: MIL I’ve already explained that it won’t be possible, I’m not sure why you continue to insist. Please make alternate arrangments. Have you tried this delicious beandip?

If she really continues to press, feel free to tell her this matter is closed and not up for discussion. If she was getting really obnoxious I may turn it around on her. “You are the one continuing to insert yourself into a place where I’ve told you, you cannot be accommodated, yet you think that I am being rude?” Hopefully you won’t have to go there though.

She can feel anyway she likes about it, but that doesn’t mean you were rude. She is the one being rude by trying to insert herself into your private space/time. Being polite does NOT mean being a doormat.

Post # 14
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

If your mother is there and she isn’t, I can see why she is insisting. She probably feels left out of the getting ready part.

I have had to deal with a future SMIL and also a future MIL that have been pretty much “interesting” to deal with since day one. I have learned that bluntness is the best way to handle these sort of situations. After the wedding, you can chalk it up to stress or having a bridezilla moment and laugh it off.

But honestly, I would say “Im sorry I dont have enough room for everyone, the room is quite small and I wish I could fit you in and why not get dressed and ready at X location and meet us there before we leave so we can get a few photos with you in it? However, future MIL,  there is no way you and the flower girl will be comfortable getting ready in the room, and I want everyone to be happy and comfortable.

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