Post # 1
My Fiance has been depressed for most of his life, though the severity of it has ebbed and flowed. Lately it’s gotten really bad. He was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, which was very difficult for him to accept. He finally started to accept it and went on medication for it. After a month and a half of Humira and Pentasa (medications), he’s started getting blurry vision and (two days ago) was diagnosed with optical neuritis as a result of the meds.
He wants to give up on life. He’s miserable and (in the past) even called off the engagement because of feeling inferior because of his health conditions and his low-paying job (he’s a waiter). I love him and want to stick by him, and I don’t care at all that he doesn’t have a high-paying career. He says he’s a f*ck up and is so upset because all the savings he had has gone to paying for doctor bills in the last year. I keep trying to reassure him and say that the money stuff will be easier once we get married and he gets on my health insurance.
What should I do, bees? He just feels so low and I don’t know how to help him. I’ve been his cheerleader for the past seven years, and it’s just not working. I can’t lift him out of this depression. And what’s worse, he doesn’t even seem to WANT to be happy. Today he said, “I just want you to be like me, and see that life’s not worth living.”
He’s willing to start therapy once we get married and he gets on my health insurance…in the meantime though, he just can’t afford it/refuses to pay for it…
It’s starting to make me wonder if I even want to marry him. I want a partner who is independent…I don’t know what Fiance needs, and I don’t know if I can give it to him. So far, all I’ve done is fail.
Post # 3
I’m really sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any advice to offer but I will suggest working out. Excercise is a great way to reduce depression and will also help with his health.
Post # 4
He can go to his county mental health office to see a counselor and get on antidepression meds if needed. They usually go by a sliding scale and if his income is low enough, he’ll be able to get his meds for free or at a significant discount.
I’ve battled depression my entire life and several years ago when I didn’t have insurance, they saved my life.
Post # 5
I also suffer from depression, and the only way to live a healthy happy life is to accept worthiness and learning new strategies to deal with those overwhelming emotions. Sadly, there is nothing you can. Really do-it’s up to him to go to therapy or learn new behaviors. All you can do is what you’re doing now and be supportive and help contribute positive thoughts.
Post # 6
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, and it’s not fair of him to say to you “I want you to be like me, and see that life’s not worth living.” Those thoughts sound suicidal, and are a serious concern. I would suggest that he see his doctor about his depression and get on some medication. I know that he’s upset about other health issues, but if he is clinically depressed, then he really needs to seek some professional help. I would talk to him about how you’re feeling and that you’re worried about him and encourage him to go.
Post # 7
I am so sorry you and your Fiance are going through this. It truly is a tough situation and it IS true what those commercials say “depression doesn’t just hurt the one who has it”. My Fiance has had 2 bouts of depression since we’ve been together. It is sad, it makes me feel sad and inadequate and I have no idea how to “help” him. I don’t understand depression b/c I (thankfully) don’t suffer from it. FI just gets really down and doesn’t want to do ANYTHING, it’s very tough. He’ll skip work, he’ll lay on the couch all day, he feels like it “just isn’t worth it”…it’s so tough. We have discussed his depression and basically he’s told me there is nothing I can do to get him “out of it”. The first time he got it he went to his dr and he got meds. That helped so much and he was better after that….however just a few months ago I noticed some signs and low and behold 2 weeks later he admitted he stopped taking his meds and was depressed again!!!! He said he quit taking them b/c he was feeling so good… well duh it’s b/c he was taking his meds. Anyway, he started taking them again and he’s back to being good. I read your post and I totally feel for you! Has your Fiance ever taken meds for depression? That might assist with his depression??
Post # 8
I believe that this is something far more serious than needing a little exercise or a positive outlook on life. Please encourage him to seek professional help! And if he has family around with good relations, please contact them and let them know, if they don’t already!
Post # 9
@sn2bmrsmntgmry: Yeah, he was on Wellbutrin for a few years and went off of it last year because he didn’t feel that it was helping or that he needed it.
@Caballito: I know, I really wish that he would/could go to therapy. Financially, it’s really hard right now. I am going to a therapist because I’m currently in school, so it’s free. I have an appointment on Monday …. do you think I should ask Fiance to go with me?
Part of me is so scared that he is going to blow up and cancel the wedding. I know that he loves me, but he can’t handle the stress of wedding planning at all. I wish we had just eloped, but we’ve spent $5,000 on deposits already and sent out invitations…
Post # 10
There are some therapists that will work on a sliding scale basis – I thikn he needs to find one regardless of price – this is dangerous territory.
Post # 11
For someone who’s never had depression/taken meds, it’s hard to understand that it’s not as easy as popping a pill or two. Not all meds work for everyone. Not all doses are the correct doses. Trying to find which med(s) in which dose(s) works for you is hard and emotionally and physically exhausting, on top of depression. It starts to make you believe that nothing is going to make you feel better.
If he’s willing to go to therapy, bring him with you today.
Post # 12
Sorry you are going through this. He sounds very ill. The problem with depression is it’s like a parasite that lives in your brain and eats away your ability to live normally – logic has left the building.
He needs professional help and medication. This site has some information (including on how to get cheaper prescriptions inthe US) and a crisis line: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/
Also, I’m just going to address the elephant in the room and say you’re not obliged to stay with him. You still get a choice. I’m not saying I think you should leave him, just that you shouldn’t feel you have no choice.
Post # 13
When you go to your therapist, can you ask his/her advice?
I really hope you try everything before letting go of your relationship, because I’ve been in a depressed mindset before. Its so hard to see past it and sympathize with your partner or friends. I feel like you should never enter into a relationship when you aren’t healthy enough to do this, but you are already in a relationship and only you know how much he takes you into consideration when he isn’t in a depressed state. Sure, you aren’t “obliged” to stay with him- but if you can find a way to take care of him, you obviously love him, so I say try.
Even if you can only afford to pay for one session of therapy for him, I would offer since you know he isn’t going to go on his own. Which could be because he just doesn’t think it will help. The mindset of “what will they tell me that I haven’t already told myself?” coupled with him already being on medications. I know I hate being on meds, and adding a new pill to the regimen could feel like more weight on his back. BUT that one trip might be the glimmer of hope that he needs or that therapist might offer him a new solution you were unable to think of.
Anyways, much of that was coming from a personal p.o.v., remembering how I felt/ people treated me but I don’t doubt your love or commitment to helping him.
Good luck with this tough situation. If you need an ear, feel free to PM me.
Post # 14
@Caballito: I did not mean that he only needs a little exrercise!! He certainly needs to seek the help of a professional of course!!! I was stating that REGULAR (not just a little) exercise will help with depression and will also help with his crohn’s disease. Chron’s brings on a lot of stress and anxiety. REGULAR exercise will help reduce that in a big way as well as reduce his depression. I did not mean that this is all he needs and then he is just cured.
He needs to get some help and make some lifestyle changes fast. OP- how is your Fiance doing?
Post # 15
UPDATE: @thenuggetbride: He is doing much better, thank you. It was kind of a 48 hour bug of the mind, if you will. He went home for a few days and came back feeling much more like his old self, but much more open about communication! We’ve been talking openly and I feel like our relationship has grown a lot in this short time.
He started therapy (he actually saw 2 different therapists so he could choose the one he likes better) and is getting a lot out of it. He has also (finally!) come to terms with having Crohn’s disease, and is looking things up and trying to learn about it as much as he can. He’s being open with me about how his body is doing and following up with his doctors.
We have decided to go ahead with the wedding as planned. It is difficult because my family is not being very supportive about this (I wrote this post about it). I’m hoping that they will come around soon.