(Closed) How to help friend in open relationship

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

No matter what kind of relationship she is in, if she is feeling uncomfortable then she should probably take a break from it. She and her boyfriend need to talk about where they stand and if she is okay with it.

 

Post # 4
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

Hi there! I am in an open (polyamorous) relationship and I will first and foremost say that it ONLY works if both parties are enthusiastic about the dynamic and very open and honest with one another. There’s a LOT of communication involved, a lot of checking in and discussing unpleasant feelings and emotions (jealousy, insecurity, etc.) It’s very difficult to have an open relationship period, but even more difficult long distance.

Sounds to me like your friend may have agreed to nonmonogamy to try and appease her SO. This is never a good idea, because eventually resentment and/or insecurities WILL crop up and destroy the person. A monogamous person trying to be okay with a nonmanogamous partner just… no. It’s just going to hurt her more and more. I’ve seen it firsthand with a few people I’ve met recently in the poly community who have monogamous partners. I don’t think open relationships can work unless both parties are on board 100%.

Your friend needs to evaluate what she’s getting out of this. What benefit does being open have to her? What are the detriments – what’s hurting her? Why does she feel she’s not as close with her SO as you and your Fiance are? I will tell you, I’ve never been MORE close with anyone before my SO, especially after opening our relationship. If she feels this is less the case with them being open, then it’s not working and she really needs to evaluate whether staying with a partner who can’t be monogamous like she needs is worth all of this hurt.

Post # 5
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

personally, i would stay out of it.  i would be all ” i dont know how to help you because i dont really understand what is happening, I’m here if you need to talk, but i cnat give any advice”

Post # 6
Member
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@preppysouthernbride:  I don’t have any history with open relationships and can’t imagine myself ever agreeing to be in one so I can’t be much help there. 

I think a lot of people, and especially women, can feel pressured into accepting an open relationship when they don’t really want one.  Is that what happened to your friend?

Or, did she think she could handle it but now realizes she can’t? 

In My Humble Opinion, you’re either the kind of person who wants and can handle an open relationship or you’re not.  Sounds like your friend is in the “not” category.  It also sounds like this relationship is making her far more unhappy than happy and therefore, time to move on. 

Post # 7
Member
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@preppysouthernbride:  Nobody, regardless of their situation, REALLY wants “advice” in their relationship. They want to hear what they already know/think. My recommendation would be to act like a therapist. Ask her questions if you don’t understand, ask her what she’s feeling about those things, ask her what SHE thinks she should do…. then be supportive. That’s all your friend really needs. SHE knows if she can handle an open relationship or not. 

Post # 8
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

What, exactly, about the open relationship is she complaining about?

Post # 9
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ve known several friends that were in open relationships.  I know it’s possible for them to succeed, I’ve never personally seen one that made it past 3 years.  In theory, both parties want the poly relationship, and it’s like that from the beginning.  In actuality, what usually happens is that one party is comfortable with the other person, but not really that happy with them. And as another poster phrased it, ‘old pussy is easier to get than new pussy’.  So they request the open relationship so that they can go out and try to get some elsewhere, and have the option at home if/when they fail.  The other party is so desperate to keep their partner that they agree to it, even if they’re miserable.  And that’s why it tends to fail – eventually the monogamous one decides to walk, or the other decides to break up and start dating the new one he/she is sleeping with.  With the VERY RARE exception of two genuinely poly people coming together, it’s a disaster. 

Post # 10
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

@MariContrary:  I agree to a point. A lot of poly relationships fail due to lack of communication of wants and ALSO lack of proper care and attention for the primary relationship. It has to be a combination of a desire for both parties for that kind of relationship and ALSO continued effort to work on the primary relationship and put it first. I think a lot of people are attracted to it because they think it’s a way to “cheat without cheating”.

Post # 11
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MissCalifornia:  Yup.  The friends I knew that were legit poly relationships ended up just not able to handle the work that it took to sustain multiple healthy, happy relationships.  The rest were all in the ‘cheating without the guilt’ type of relationship.  And that’s the type that’s automatically going to fail.  It’s why I quietly roll my eyes and sigh when someone that I know beyond a doubt WANTS monogamy agrees to an open relationship. 

Post # 12
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Has she asked for your help with something? Or did she just tell you that her relationship is open ?

Post # 13
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Maybe she was okay with the relationship before but since you’re getting married, it’s bringing up emotions and making her rethink things?  I personally am not a fan of an open relationship and when I was in one, I wasn’t seriously considering marrying that person.

 

I agree with others, just be a sounding board and let her talk through it with you but I wouldn’t give her advice either way since it’s something you don’t really understand.  Hopefully she figures it out!

Post # 14
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@MissCalifornia:  +1

I wouldn’t do it with my Fiance, but I’ve had threesomes in the past and done a lot of crazy things. The key is for both people to be onboard. It is very possible to separate sex and emotional connection. Sometimes sex is just sex. When it works, it works great. But without both people feeling comfortable, it will be a disaster.

Post # 15
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

@MissCalifornia:  Not trying to threadjack, but how did opening the relationship bring you and your SO closer?

Post # 16
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

If she asked for my advice, I would give her my honest advice. I would tell her that she deserves much better.

However, unsolicited advice is rarely welcomed. So I would listen, but not comment too much.

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