(Closed) How to help SO/FI with significant weight loss / I feel at the end of my rope :(

posted 8 years ago in Fitness
Post # 3
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Confession time: After Fiance and I had been dating for about a year, he graduated college and moved to a different town where he had no friends or family.  We were in an LDR at that time.  He was depressed, lonely and overwhelmed being alone in this new town.  In one year, he went from 220 lbs (reasonable for him) to nearly 300 lbs. 

It was SO hard for me to get him on the path to losing weight.  But he was sleeping all the time, and huffing and puffing going up and down the stairs to the apartment.

I’m definitely not shilling for anything, but Weight Watchers was what worked for us.  We both did WW online and he joined a gym near his place.  He found WW easy because the points were easier to follow than calories/fat/etc.  And it was easy to see the difference between what I could eat and what he could eat.

We don’t follow it anymore, but used the basic things we learned to stick to a healthy diet.

Feel free to PM me…I know it’s a weird thing to talk about!  Now we look back on those old pictures and laugh.

Post # 4
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I think he needs to join a weight loss program of some sort.  This is classic denial, and as long as he claims to be ignorant of what he is doing (or not doing) for his body, he can continue to feel bad about not losing weight.  I recommend Weight Watchers (they have a great support network for men), they also have an online version so he doesn’t have to be so self-conscious about it.  He also needs a personal trainer.  Someone whose job it is to yell at him to work longer and harder.  Someone who can measure him, weigh him, and keep track of his progress without him feeling embarassed.  Unfortunately those cost money, but I’m a firm believer that spending money now will save you money later.  Liposuction and lapband surgery can cost $5000.  Weight watchers and a personal trainer give you the SAME results without any adverse health issues for only $2000.  My recommendation for a personal trainer is 24 Hour Fitness.  I had a trainer from them and he was great.  He gave me a diet plan, helped me develop a workout routine, and really was straightforward with me about my progress.  Talk to your FH and see if he’s open to these ideas.

Post # 5
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I really feel for you in your situation, it can be such a difficult situation to be in.  Unfortunately, I don’t think you are going to like my advice, but here is it.  There is nothing you can ultamately do to help your SO loose weight.  He needs to figure that out on his own. 

If he looses weight because you are pushing him, he will never learn how to properly loose and maintain his weight on his own.  I know this because I am overweight/obese.  I have been my entire life (well, since 5 years of age), and am only now realizing what I must do to loose weight.  My parents pushed me for years to loose weight, and it only made it more difficult for me.  I was not able to loose weight until I figured it out on my own.  It is a very personal, difficult processes to go through.  I am still in the process of loosing weight, but I am healthier and much more aware of how my eating effects my body.  Cooking for your SO and helping him with his portion size is awesome, but he is ultamately the one who will need to make the choices he needs to loose weight.  It is so frustrating, for you and for him, but when he is ready, he will. 

I wish you both the best of luck, you are a great woman to want to help your man with this difficult process 🙂  I hope he is able to get to know his body and make the nessisary changes to make is stronger and healthier.  Good luck! 

Post # 6
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

@hotchildinthecity: LOL, we must’ve posted at the same time!  WW power!

Post # 7
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Nobody really loses weight until they are ready to make the commitment. You can’t do it for him. But I think you’re doing great by setting a good example.

Maybe in addition to going to the gym you could do some more fun activities together like hiking or even just going for a walk.

There’s a book called “Eat This, Not That” that gives you healthy substitutions for lots of foods. He might like that since it seems he’s not willing to give up the food he likes.

I read that in a clinical study adults who cut their TV time in half burned over 100 calories more per day!

Post # 8
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@MS: There’s a reason they’ve been in business all these years ;o)

I also agree with RosieBear that he DOES have to want to do it himself.  I supported Fiance, but had to give up on constantly bugging him because nagging does not work.

Post # 9
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Totally a tough/awkward thing to talk about. Educating yourself is tough. In fact, your FI’s attitude makes me think about an episode of Sextuplets I was watching. The guy is like 41% body fat and is like “i run marathons! I’m healthy!” and after 5 months, loses like 10 inches and 10 pounds, then gets a full body scan and the Dr. says “you toned up, but you added more fat to your body. You haven’t moved…you’re still fat”. The look on his face…holy crap.

It takes time to learn about eating healthy and what’s good to put in your body. Until he actually learns it himself (versus what you tell him), it may not quite sink in. My dad, for one, insists on volume versus calories and will take his regular fattening sandwich and cut it in half. Full fat mayo, cheese, everything. I’ve tried to tell him if he swapped out the cheese and used mustard instead, he could have the WHOLE sandwich. He’s like “what?!?” clueless. Has a margarita–“oh it’s fine, only a drink”.

Is he open to WW? I think it’s a great program–he’ll be around other people encouraging/pushing him to lose weight. This way you don’t feel like the bad guy or feel like his mom, telling him he doesn’t need that ice cream or something like that. What about getting him a subscription to Men’s Health or something like that? I know Shape and Women’s Health for me, are really motivating every month. I learn new things and it helps motivate me to see in shape models, healthy dishes, and things that interest me but are healthy/fitness related.

Post # 10
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It sounds like your Fiance does want to change but maybe doesn’t know how to change.  I know its really hard to try to education him without nagging him but it does sink in over time. 

Also, I know a lot of people have said that if you do the grocery shopping you can control what comes into the house.  If he drinks a lot of soda, only buy a two liter and when it runs out, it runs out.  My Fiance and I share a drink usually and if pour a glass of water he will drink it but he wouldn’t go pour it himself. Make sure there are plenty of healthy snacks.

I think by helping telling him the calories in the food he eats should help.  Weight watchers is great because it looks at fiber as well as calories.  If you tell him, look you should only eat 1,500 calories a day and a lunch out at a restaurant averages 800 calories then he needs to adjust. 

I had to laugh because I have been trying to cut down on sugar, etc.  I know its only a bit, but when I make my gallon of sweet tea, I only use 1 cup rather than the 1.5 cups.  My Fiance usually protests/whines.  The other day he was talking to his best man who has recently become very health conscious and he was kinda braggin that “we” are cutting back the sugar in our tea. 

Lesson, he may whine and moan but he does know its good for him!

Post # 11
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

My husband has always struggled with his weight, even as a kid.  Imo, a lot of it comes from the way he raised to think about food (no portion control, lots of red meat, everything fried or full-fat or super greasy) and exercise.  To be honest, we’ve been working on weight loss for a while (like years), and he’s just now seeing results.  The difference has been that in the last few months he’s become really self-motivated.  We’re having a baby in June, and I think that opened his eyes to his real weight problem and the mistakes his parents made that he doesn’t want to repeat.

It’s hard to motivate someone else when they’re not quite there yet.  I know that I made suggestions/ tried to be supportive of his weight loss for years, but nothing happened until he became self-motivated enough to change.  Like hotchildinthecity, I would recommend weight watchers; it really is very successful at teaching life-long weight management/healthy lifestyle skills.  Also, my husband is on P90X right now, which seems to be the only exercise routine that has worked for him.  He doesn’t have to go to the gym (which he gets embarrassed about), it only takes 1-1.5 hours a day, and it’s not as focused on cardio/coordination workouts (which is good, because he has no coordination and sucks at traditional cardio routines). 

Finally, I do most of the cooking in my house, too, and it’s taken a while for me to learn to change my habits as well.  Get some healthy recipe cookbooks and learn how to eat healthier (e.g. baking or grilling instead of frying, using fewer processed ingredients and more fresh ingredients, etc…).  Portion control is a great thing to learn, but if he is much bigger than you, your sized portions are probably not going to fill him up.  He needs more food, so you have to learn to make things that can fill him up without being a lot of calories, fat, etc…  Good luck!  I hope that your husband will make the changes necessary to lose weight and get healthier!

Post # 13
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Really agree with caszos.  Women and girls usually learn pretty early on how to manage weight in the name of maintaining a particular image.  Guys, unless they’re overweight as kids, aren’t exposed to any of it.  Sounds like your Fiance is committed to losing the weight, but is sort of in that stage where he still hopes/expects it will be easy.  Not much you can do but wait it out.

Post # 14
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery

Has he had a recent doctor’s visit?  I would recommend he go to the doctor for and annual physical and to get a full work-up done.  It’s possible that his unhealthy lifestyle is causing problems internally too.  I know it might seem like he isn’t that unhealthy, but you would be surprised what a little extra weight in fat can do to one’s health.  Another thing is that the Dr. will likely bring up the weight problem and they typically will be blunt about it.  Going to the Dr. can be a huge wake-up call for him and might give him the push he needs to get on a healthy path.

I myself felt this last year when I went to the Dr. for my annual physical…I had put on 15lbs since the prior year and was 30lbs heavier than my typical weight.  My weight gain was gradual and I knew it wasn’t good and I had planned to make changes to get back in shape, but the real kick in the pants was that Dr. visit.  My Dr. was very concerned with my weight and reminded me of how important it was to make changes.  Later I found out that my cholesterol was boderline to being considered high and I had a “fatty liver”.  The blood results showed me that I really needed to make a change or I could potentially cut years off my life. 

The funny thing is I was overweight, but never thought of myself as huge (wore size 12-14 clothes) and unhealthy.  I am glad that I had that awakening though, otherwise I may have stayed on that unhealthy path and gotten worse. Since then I’ve dropped 18lbs and my bloodwork is looking a lot better.

Post # 15
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My Fiance had a wake-up call when he went to the doctor and learned that he had high blood pressure and high cholesterol. This opened the door to me suggesting we both visit a personal trainer. We signed up together for 3 months of workouts and nutritional consultation. During that time I lost 10 lbs. and he lost over 15 and his Bridal Party returned to normal. After the (expensive) 3-month program ended last March we both maintained most of the healthier habits and continued to lose weight.

Hearing FROM SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME that his choices were unhealthy and going to lead to a heart attack was crucial. Doing it together, as a supportive team, was also key. My guy’s not super-big but he has a major sweet tooth and is a chef trained to cook rich, fatty, high-calorie foods. He used to believed that food was primarily an indulgence; he had to COMPLETELY CHUCK that view in order to lose weight. He now believes that food is OCCASIONALLY an indulgence but mostly about nourishment.

My previous weight was at the high end of ‘normal’ for my height. I didn’t think of myself as overweight either, but I’m much happier at the low-to-mid range of ‘normal.’ We both feel healthier and more energized and are a bit shocked when we see photos of our ‘former’ selves.

Involve professionals (even if you have to pay what seems like a lot — it’s worth it) and do it as a team. Make it about YOU: you’re not happy weighing 120 lbs. and you want to learn how to make changes. Will he do this with you and support you? That’s what I did with my Fiance and it worked (even though, in my heart, it was more like 20% for me and 80% for him). Good luck!!


Post # 16
521 posts
Busy bee

I had a wakeup call last month and spent a week having heart tests. My heart is fine,  but a little bit sluggish due to my weight. I just completed my first week in Weight Watchers. I have struggled with my weight all my life. I lost 2.8 pounds my first week, I can hardly believe it! And I felt I had plenty to eat. Good luck, just treat him with love and don’t tempt him with treats (go somewhere else to have them if you need to).

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