- 7 years ago
- Wedding: January 2011
I have a dilemma that perhaps you can help me with.
Some of the wedding festivities involve honoring the parents who set a positive example of a loving marriage and raised the bride and groom, because a wedding is a joining of families. For example, parents are listed on the invite and the ceremony program, toasted at rehearsal dinner, honored during the ceremony, mentioned lovingly if the bride or groom gives a speech, etc!
However, we have two very different sets of parents!
His are amazing people who have welcomed me into their family with open arms. We see them regularly, we celebrate holidays with them, and they’ve helped us as much as they’re able (I don’t necessarily mean money, but stuff that family does for one another – for example, his dad helped paint the walls in our apartment). I really respect them and I want to honor them during the ceremony, because they’ve been such a postive example to me and they raised the most amazing son, my FH. Also I don’t want to offend them, because they are helping us financially with the wedding!
My parents, however, are the complete opposite. My mom is cold and emotionally abusive, my dad is cordial to me but has never spent time or money on me, and I resent him for sitting back and allowing my mom to abuse me. Growing up with them was a nightmare. As an adult, I’ve tried to develop relationships with them (idk what compels me to try) but failed.
I’m inviting my parents to all wedding-related festivities because it’s the “right thing to do”, although I have minimal contact with them.
I’ve had to remove things because they make my skin crawl. For example, the invitations went out in my name and FH’s name, not our parents’. Also, we took out a part of the ceremony where the officiant would have talked about how our parents have been examples of a loving relationship, and asks for the blessing of both sets of parents.
But it’s a huge no-no to publicly denounce one’s parents, so I can’t very well, for example, in the short speech I want to give at the rehearsal dinner, thank FH’s parents for being awesome and raising such a wonderful son, say heartfelt things, and then say a quick “thanks to my parents as well.”! It would be too transparent.
Now as I make the programs (do I put parents’ names on them?) and think about details such as who will be in the receiving line (just us, or us + parents/mothers), I’m totally overwhelmed.
Was or is anyone in a similar situation, and how did you handle it?
I plan to sit down with my Future Mother-In-Law soon and find out what is important to her – for example, if she’s always looked forwards to a mother-son dance, then I will definitely include a mother-son and father-daughter dance.
If anyone has the time to respond, thanks in advance for your input!