(Closed) How to I address our sex issues

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I can only imagine how frustrating and difficult it is for you.  I can understand why you feel it is so bad when there is a complete lack of intimacy between you.  It sounds like he minimizes your feelings and just thinks because he’s happy that everything is fine.  Have you ever told him that it’s bothering you so much you’d consider whether or not you two have a future?  He seems so caring in so many ways that it’s odd that he’s not listening to you at all.  I don’t think the letter is a terrible idea.  It gives you a chance to really think about exactly what you want to say and not get distracted/off track in a discussion.  Obviously it’s important to give it to him when you’ll have ample opportunity to discuss it.  If he knows how serious it is to you I have a hard time believing he won’t try to work on it.  Oh, I know some theapists do counseling over the phone for those that are two far away.  It might be something to consider since you’re in an area where seeing a sex therapist isn’t an option.  

Post # 5
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You need to talk to him about it otherwise how will he know you’re struggling? Write him an e mail / a letter if that’s easier and make it non-confrontational. I’ve had similar issues with my Fiance and I wrote him a very long, honest e mail that wasn’t aimed at having an argument and I can honestly say, it’s improved things.

Good luck.

Post # 6
1277 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

magentagirl I am so sorry you are going through this….

I would start off by talking to him and telling him that your non-existent sex life is not working out for you, that you understand that he may be satisfied and happy with the status quo, but you on the other hand are not…he may think that you are since you never brought it up and because as you described it you both have a great and supportive marriage…..guys just don’t get it sometimes.

Another thing to consider is that he may not have the sex drive that you have, but at least he can compromise, I don’t think sex once a week is asking too much and is a great compromise from what you’re currently at, which is nothing basically.

I would also suggest if this doesn’t work, since by your own words you have done just about everything to spice up your sex life, I would consider a therapist or marriage counselor as a measure of last resort….

Whatever you do good luck to you and your hubby!

Post # 7
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I had a long, nearly sexless marriage. At one point, having tried everything I could think of (testosterone patches for him, counseling for both of us, you name it to “spice things up”) my OB-GYN asked me if I thought there was a chance my husband was gay. He wasn’t, he was just a passive/aggressive a**hole

I have come to believe a few things, and have asked several male friends what they thought.

*Few men are truly asexual.

*He may be gay. Blow jobs and hand jobs can allow him to fantasize about men. (I know – big ouch!) If he had a religious background that condemns that, he may have married to fit in although this doesn’t at all mean he doesn’t love you!

*If you want sex and he doesn’t, you will eventually feel like crap about yourself, him your marriage etc.

*You deserve to have sex in a marriage. Few people sign up to be married without it.

Post # 8
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Reading the above comments, I agreee you should talk to him about it, writing out your feelings can help you remember everything you want to say about it all.  I would do my best to say it all in the most non-judgemental way possible.  Another thing to consider is perhaps he has low testosterone, that’s an easy blood test to check, if he’s willing to talk to his medical provider about it.  Also, I don’t know if this applies but night-shift workings can have this issue because their circadian cycles are all off.  My Fiance and I have had similar sort of issues and it makes you feel really crappy and unattractive so I understand the hurt you can feel from this; our problem turned out to be that he was raised by his very catholic grandmother who drilled into his head that bad men have sex and go to hell.  This has gotten better since the engagement and wedding planning bc he’s realizing more and more that I will be his wife.  This came out after we decided he would go to a therapist bc we were getting no where with the pretty underwear and books.  Perhaps there’s something underlying that’s making hold back, be it a bad experience, something he was raised thinking, etc.  Hope this helps, and good luck, you’re not alone!

Post # 9
2446 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

A marriage without sex is simply a good friendship. You have to talk to him because otherwise you will start to feel resentful and that’s not going to be good at all. It’s a husband’s job to please his wife and withholding intimacy during sex means he’s failing at his job. If he’s stressed out or something, it’s understandable that he might not get rock hard, but no kissing, touching, etc? No excuse. I agree with one of the ladies above, that few men are truly asexual. Sounds like he doesn’t have any psychological issues regarding sex either, if he mentioned how important sex was earlier in your relationship. Sex is super important for keeping your relationship healthy and if he won’t change his behavior, you need to let him know that in some cultures, it’s grounds for divorce! 

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