(Closed) How to I help my daughter (long)

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am so sorry you going through this.  I can’t imagine hearing your child ask you that question.  In my honest opinion, I would tell her the truth and sign her up for therapy.  Rejection by a parent is a VERY HARD thing to overcome, and the sooner she talks about it and deals with the emotions, the better off she will be.  She needs to know that it’s not her fault, and that she is loved by you and your Fiance. 

 

ETA: I was around 11 when my father didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and by going to therapy I learned about what kinds of people to associate with and deal with my feelings.

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

This is so, so sad. Do you think your fiance would be interested in adopting her?

If I were you, I would move. Like, just get out of dodge ASAL and help your daughter get a fresh start.

I don’t see how there’s a way around making her dad and stepmom look like the bad guys — they ARE the bad guys and there’s no point in trying to save her the truth: What her dad did was terrible and he made a huge mistake.

Post # 5
Member
3691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I don’t see any point in trying to save her father and his wife from looking like monsters.  What they’ve done to your child is unforgiveable.  I think you should tell her the truth and get her into therapy to help her cope.  

If moving is an option for you, I think it’s a great idea as well.  

Post # 7
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Talk to her counselor about it and see if you can be involved in a few sessions to address her father and his behavior.  This is super delicate because no matter how you answer the question your daughter is going to feel rejected.  Either dad is a shit person which means she is 50% of him and also a shit person.  Or dad is awesome but isn’t willing to fight for her with the Court and you; meaning your daughter isn’t worth it.  Definitely get some counseling and I think no contact with dad is absolutely a good idea in this situation because he is saying and doing hurtful things every time he has access to your daughter.

P.S. Your ex’s new wife is a horrible person.  How could you do that to a child?  I hope she gets her come-uppance eventually.  If she were a friend of mine, I wouldn’t want to be around her because I would be disgusted by her behavior and involvement in this.

Post # 8
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@MrsUNClover I’m so sorry that this happened to your poor daughter. Her “father” is obviously a spineless asshole and not a father at all if he’s willing to give her up because his bitch wife says so. Honestly I think she’s better off without him.

 

It’s great that she is going to counseling. I would ask the counselor what you should tell your daughter regarding her father, like you said she is 9 and not buying the judge says so thing so it would be good to talk to a professional about how to bring this up and possible reactions that your daughter might have.

 

Is your husband interested in adopting her? Do they have a good relationship? Ask what she would think about your husband being her dad and let her figure out if and when she would want this to happen, it should be her decision.

 

I hope for your sake and hers they move out of your town ASAP. They sound like assholes and his family saying YOU took her away, I’d mail each of them the court documents proving that he wanted to sign away his rights. F- them your daughter deserves better than that family.

 

Post # 9
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@MrsUNClover:  I think there isn’t much you can do. They have made their decision and now you’re the one left to deal with the repercussions. I agree with the PP who have said to tell your daughter the truth. Yes, she is young but she has already been abandoned by one parent, so she sure doesn’t deserve to be lied to by her other parent.

It’s a horrible situation, but obviously she is your main concern. Who cares about your ex and his new partner? There is absolutely nothing you can do about them. All you can do is help your child to get through this, and it sounds like you are already doing that. I really do feel that she needs the truth though, especially because you wouldn’t want her to believe it is you taking her away from them like your ex’s family would have her believe.

Post # 10
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MrsUNClover:  I’m so so sorry to hear about this! from the sounds of it, she’s better off (not being around the step-mom) and it’s ashame that her dad practically chose the step-mom over her. I would just keep re-assuring her that it’s nothing she did and definitely have her continue to see a counselor/therapist. I’m sure it’ll take a lot of time but it sounds like she has enough love from you and your Fiance that she’ll be just fine in time. good luck with everything!

Post # 11
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

God. This whole post makes me cry inside. I am so, so, so sorry to hear this. Your daughter.. jesus, how heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. 🙁

I agree with others about getting her started now for therapy… shit like this means years of abandonment issues. 🙁 What a fucking asshole, to just give in to his crazy wife like that, without thinking of the feelings of his 9 year old, who doesn’t understand. Ugh. I could just punch that guy, and I don’t even know him!

I also agree with telling her the truth. It’s probably better for the long run, and she’ll trust you all the more for it now, and in the future.

HUGS!

Post # 12
Member
4960 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry to hear this. My only advice is to not bash her father to her. It will just make her feel more hurt that her “dead beat dad didn’t want her”. As tempting as it is, and as much as I agree with you that the guy is being a shitty father, I would refrain from saying anything about it in front of her. Also, I would not bash the step mother either for the same reasons. Hard, very hard as that will be.

Keep her in counselling, and maybe attend some with her. There will be things she will have a hard time saying to you that a counselor will help her get out and address. Other than that, be patient with her, because I’m sure this hurt is going to cause some acting out. Give her lots of love and understanding and don’t let your hurt and frustration over the situation come out at her.

You go mom! Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I also have a daughter with a dead beat dad.  He moved to Florida with his new wife.  He last saw our daughter 10 months ago.  I do not bash her father, but I never lie to her.  She asks why he doesnt want to see her (it was his year for xmas and he did not take her or send her any gifts).  I tell her that I cannot explain her dad’s actions.  While I did not ever sugar coat things, after a while my daughter said “mom, I’m starting to figure this out- he isn’t acting like he should”.  Kids know- they aren’t dumb.  We have had her in counseling for the past year and a half.  It really helps to have an outside source explain how sometimes adults make bad choices and it is not the child’s fault.  And how no matter how we try we can’t make other people do the right thing. 

 

Post # 14
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

First, I’m sorry. I;ve been in your shoes, and it’s an utterly heartbreaking experience. As mothers we want to protect our children from hurt. Unfortunately that isn’t always possible.

You and Darling Husband need to meet with her therapist as a seperate visit to discuss a comprehensive strategy for telling her the truth and dealing with the aftermath. And then you have to have those hard conversations (and there will be many hard conversations). Maybe you tell her on your own, with Darling Husband, with the therapist…. whatever the three of you decide is the right strategy. Most importantly, she will need constant reassurance that she is not a bad person, that she did nothing to cause this, and that you will be there for her, no matter what.

My ex abandoned DS when he was 4. He just stopped all contact. Whenever DS would ask, my response was that some people are ready to be parents and some people are not. I would explain that his “Dad” was just not ready to handle the responsibility. It was never said with a negative tone of voice or anything. It was simply a matter of fact. Then I would reassure him that I, as his mother, was totally ready and would always be here for him. It’s been almost 11 years since we last heard from my ex. DS is still angry after 11 years of therapy. There is nothing that I can do to take the hurt away. I just love him the best that I can, and I follow through on my word to always be there. And DS has an amazing relationship with Mr. LK. So while there willalways be that hurt, the therapy has helped him become a well-adjusted teenager.

Post # 15
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@daybyday:  +1. I think maybe your daughter would benefit from being loved and wanted by someone, her step dad could be it. Good luck, what an awful situation. And what a nightmare of a stepmom, that woman is carcinogenic, and sooner or later EVERYONE will realise this.

Post # 16
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2004

@MrsUNClover:  honestly?  I would tell her something like some people are just not good at being parents.  It doesnt mean they are bad people or that they dont love you.  It is just something that is above their capabilities.  And then i would reassure her that i love her very very much and if your new fiance would be open to it and if he loves her, i would definitely consider asking him to become her legal parent.  

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