Post # 1
So folks I have a lot of time to try and work this out but some kind words of advice would be great. My brother married a wonderful piece of work, she is a drug addict, refuses to work, gave up her two daughters from previous relationships because they were competition to her and would be better off with their dads her words not mine. In the summer of 2016 she decided to cheat on my brother and leave him, in this process she trashed my mother’s flower gardens as they were renting a house from my parents, and even had the nerve to threaten to assault my mother. This women is off her rocker.. Any how we come to find out after my parents have foot the bill for my brother to divorce her he has taken her back. I have not spoken to my eldest brother since March of this year due to us finding this out, I plan on inviting him as he is still my older brother and it would hurt my mother if I didn’t. I guess my concern is what do I do if she shows up, I have sent his save the date to his work address and only included him on it, to be honest I don’t even want her in the town I am getting married in I know hard to control but it’s a small town, it’s now my home town and I don’t want her to be anywhere near me and a day that is supposed to be happy for myself and the rest of my family
Any Ideas on how to handle this
Post # 2
I wouldn’t physically send your brother an invitation; I would talk to him face to face about your (legitimate) concerns. Hopefully he’s understanding but he may not be; and if he chooses to not come to the wedding to support his wife then you need to be OK with that
Post # 3
Have you discussed this with your brother? Because based on what you’ve shared thus far the only way to make sure she doesn’t attend is to not invite him.
Post # 4
You should read your mother some of other users’ accounts of situations similar to this one and maybe she will realize that your brother missing out is something that is for the better. He likely will not attend without her, and it’s your day. Better your mother be a bit sad at the absence of your brother than all the work and money you invested in this wedding gets overshadowed by your brother’s ding-dong of a wife.
If you MUST invite him, and he agrees to come without her but you’re still concerned she will show up, look into private security. Ask around at malls, they usually hire in a security company and the company often either will contract out one day of work for a guard or two, or a guard may freelance on his own time. If they can’t help you, they can likely point you towards people who can do the job.
Post # 5
I have not spoken with him but my parents have, they have informed him that it is just him invited and he has stated he will still come but he is pretty spineless when it comes to her and she may force him to bring her
Post # 6
nancy6223 : You should invite him while making it clear that your inviting him and ONLY him, not his wife. If he doesn’t come, that’s his loss because the rest of your family has tried to be understanding of his situation but you cannot accommodate someone who has disrespected your family.
You should personally talk to him face to face about this. If you hate the woman, don’t budge from your stance. He’s an adult and can come alone if he wants to. You don’t need that woman’s presence creating negativity on your wedding day.
ETA: If he’s spineless, he’s better off staying home and letting her take care of his precious spine. What I mean is that he can’t get out of this situation if he doesn’t even remotely help himself.
Post # 7
Give your brother the date of the wedding only and no other details regarding location. Have a relative pick him up and bring him there. That way, it’s a layer where he can’t just show up with her. It’s extreme, but I think this situation calls for it.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2019 - Southampton, UK
You should speak with him, make it clear to him that he is welcome to come and you would like him to come, but his wife is absolutely not to come.
Post # 9
I would tell your spineless brother that you very much want him to attend and are sorry that you can’t extend that invite to his wife, but are sure he will understand and honor your wishes for the sake of future family harmony (so he knows you’re protecting the whole family’s relationship here, if she were to ruin your wedding certainly his parents would have an even bigger issue with her).
Then tell him in the spirit of ensuring a peaceful, loving event, you will have security there.
this way he knows that no matter how spineless he is, he can’t show up with her. Better he stays home than show up with her.
how sad for your family.
Post # 10
Tell him that you will have security at the wedding and if his wife shows up they will both be forced to leave.
Post # 11
Is it in your budget to hire uniformed security for your venue? I wouldn’t want her there either.
Post # 12
I would call him and speak with him directly and personally. An e-mail isn’t going to explain this situation to him. He also took her back, and is apparently dating a drug-addicted cheater, so his judgment is extremely skewed toward forgiving of her flaws and behaviors. There is a pretty big chance that if she is not invited, that he won’t come. Those toxic people RULE relationships and he might decide not to tell her in order to avoid a conflict. He might be scared to leave her alone that weekend too, because she may cheat or she may use in his absence.
Tell him your concerns about her coming and make it clear she isn’t invited, while listening sympathetically to how he feels about that. Let him know that he is important to you, but don’t budge. If he doesn’t feel comfortable coming without her, don’t take it personally as anything other than he is trapped in a very unhealthy situation. If he’d like to come without her, ask him how he thinks it is best to help him “sneak” to the wedding.
Post # 13
Even if she is the craziest person in the world, you’re basically asking your brother to choose between his wife and you, and there is no way that is going to end well. Either invite neither of them, or invite both and have a face-to-face conversation with them about what behavior you expect on her behalf. Do not be afraid to ask them to leave if she steps out of line.
Post # 14
thank you everyone for the great ideas and sudjestions, I may look into the private security for the event not really sure if we have anyone in the town I live that provides that. I will more than likely speak with him at christmas time if he decides he wants to show up for our family gathering while I am back in my home town. For those that have said I may have to invite her and just deal with it, that will not happen, its my day and I will not stand to have to watch her and her behaviour. I do understand that my brother may not come because of her not being invited, but all these sudgestions have been great.
Post # 15
When you chat with your bro, I think you should be really really clear with your brother that it’s okay for him not to come, and let him know you’re not going to guilt trip him about it.
The wife sounds awful, but it’s still pretty bad form to celebrate your wedding while disrespecting someone else’s marriage by inviting only half of a legal pair. (Even if said marriage is a dumpster fire, it’s still someone else’s dumpster fire marriage.)