How to Insure my brothers wife does not attend my wedding

posted 10 months ago in Guests
Post # 2
446 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t physically send your brother an invitation; I would talk to him face to face about your (legitimate) concerns. Hopefully he’s understanding but he may not be; and if he chooses to not come to the wedding to support his wife then you need to be OK with that

Post # 3
4770 posts
Honey bee

Have you discussed this with your brother? Because based on what you’ve shared thus far the only way to make sure she doesn’t attend is to not invite him. 

Post # 4
136 posts
Blushing bee

You should read your mother some of other users’ accounts of situations similar to this one and maybe she will realize that your brother missing out is something that is for the better. He likely will not attend without her, and it’s your day. Better your mother be a bit sad at the absence of your brother than all the work and money you invested in this wedding gets overshadowed by your brother’s ding-dong of a wife. 

If you MUST invite him, and he agrees to come without her but you’re still concerned she will show up, look into private security. Ask around at malls, they usually hire in a security company and the company often either will contract out one day of work for a guard or two, or a guard may freelance on his own time. If they can’t help you, they can likely point you towards people who can do the job.

Post # 6
711 posts
Busy bee

nancy6223 :  You should invite him while making it clear that your inviting him and ONLY him, not his wife. If he doesn’t come, that’s his loss because the rest of your family has tried to be understanding of his situation but you cannot accommodate someone who has disrespected your family.

You should personally talk to him face to face about this. If you hate the woman, don’t budge from your stance. He’s an adult and can come alone if he wants to. You don’t need that woman’s presence creating negativity on your wedding day.

ETA: If he’s spineless, he’s better off staying home and letting her take care of his precious spine. What I mean is that he can’t get out of this situation if he doesn’t even remotely help himself.

Post # 7
854 posts
Busy bee

Give your brother the date of the wedding only and no other details regarding location. Have a relative pick him up and bring him there. That way, it’s a layer where he can’t just show up with her. It’s extreme, but I think this situation calls for it.

Post # 8
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019 - Southampton, UK

You should speak with him, make it clear to him that he is welcome to come and you would like him to come, but his wife is absolutely not to come.

Post # 9
11939 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015


I would tell your spineless brother that you very much want him to attend and are sorry that you can’t extend that invite to his wife, but are sure he will understand and honor your wishes for the sake of future family harmony (so he knows you’re protecting the whole family’s relationship here, if she were to ruin your wedding certainly his parents would have an even bigger issue with her). 

Then tell him in the spirit of ensuring a peaceful, loving event, you will have security there.

this way he knows that no matter how spineless he is, he can’t show up with her. Better he stays home than show up with her.

how sad for your family. 

Post # 10
5907 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Tell him that you will have security at the wedding and if his wife shows up they will both be forced to leave. 

Post # 11
2841 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Is it in your budget to hire uniformed security for your venue? I wouldn’t want her there either. 

Post # 12
520 posts
Busy bee

I would call him and speak with him directly and personally.  An e-mail isn’t going to explain this situation to him.  He also took her back, and is apparently dating a drug-addicted cheater, so his judgment is extremely skewed toward forgiving of her flaws and behaviors.  There is a pretty big chance that if she is not invited, that he won’t come. Those toxic people RULE relationships and he might decide not to tell her in order to avoid a conflict. He might be scared to leave her alone that weekend too, because she may cheat or she may use in his absence.  

Tell him your concerns about her coming and make it clear she isn’t invited, while listening sympathetically to how he feels about that.  Let him know that he is important to you, but don’t budge.  If he doesn’t feel comfortable coming without her, don’t take it personally as anything other than he is trapped in a very unhealthy situation. If he’d like to come without her, ask him how he thinks it is best to help him “sneak” to the wedding.

Post # 13
7297 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Even if she is the craziest person in the world, you’re basically asking your brother to choose between his wife and you, and there is no way that is going to end well. Either invite neither of them, or invite both and have a face-to-face conversation with them about what behavior you expect on her behalf. Do not be afraid to ask them to leave if she steps out of line.

Post # 15
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

When you chat with your bro, I think you should be really really clear with your brother that it’s okay for him not to come, and let him know you’re not going to guilt trip him about it.  

The wife sounds awful, but it’s still pretty bad form to celebrate your wedding while disrespecting someone else’s marriage by inviting only half of a legal pair. (Even if said marriage is a dumpster fire, it’s still someone else’s dumpster fire marriage.) 

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