(Closed) how to involve the bm more, or trying to get them to want to be more involved

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I feel the same way you do about trying to get my friends involved. Your friends all have different priority levels, and different focuses because of what is going on in their own personal lives.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to get bridesmaids involved. They were your friends before you gave them this role- and so you already know what their strengths and weaknesses are. Like, who is less flaky about what, who is the most organized etc etc. 

If I were you I would just send out an email when you are planning on doing something and see who wants to join. Instead of catching up with old friends at a coffee shop, maybe ask if they would be willing to run to a couple of stores to take a look at something, and ask their opinion about it?

As far as your friend who has called off her wedding. Just be supportive and tell her she can be as involved in your wedding or as little because you understand how difficult it may be under the circumstances, her motivational level may be non-existent due to what is going on in her personal life. But you will have to sit down with her and have a chat about how she is doing overall to get a good sense as to how she is coping. 

I am sure you are already- but try to continue to be flexible with your friends because everyone has personal things going on, and not everyone will be on the same page as you as much as you may need them to be in the beginning stages of your wedding planning.

But I am sure they will step up to the plate the closer your wedding comes! 

Post # 4
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I probably wouldn’t ask much from the friend her just called off her wedding.  Maybe for the others, though, you can send an e-mail out to your friends with a list (nothing too long so you don’t scare them) of things you need to do.  Tell them you know they are all so talented and ask if there is anything they have ideas on or anything they would like to help with because you value their brilliance…or something like that to make them feel special and needed.

Post # 5
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Hmm, I didn’t ask my bridesmaids to do anything.  I would have felt weird asking them to do errands or stuff like that.  They offered to do a few things : go wedding dress shopping with me, Bridesmaid or Best Man dress shopping, throw a bachelorette and put together a slideshow for the rehearsal dinner.  Honestly, all the other big things I did with my fiance and/or mom/dad (who live in another state).  I wouldn’t worry too much about finding things for them to do – just let them offer whatever help they want to!!

And for your Bridesmaid or Best Man who just called off her wedding, I would try to limit the wedding talk.  Let her bring it up.  Just be supportive and assume she won’t be all that into your planning!

Post # 6
2640 posts
Sugar bee

 I agree with what’s been said.  If you want to talk to the Bridesmaid or Best Man who called off her wedding, to see how she’s doing and feel her out for how much she wants to be involved,that’s fine.  But certainly don’t expect her to be up to it.  IF you think of it from her persepctive, she’s probably feeling like your life is perfect and hers is falling apart.  She might even have to deal with some feelings of jealousy.  (And the part about her not being thrilled about your wedding stuff before the break up might still have been relatedto her own situation.  Maybe she knew it wasn’t working and would eventually be broken off.)

As for the other BMs, I would also send an e-mail offering for them to join you.  I would imagine some would love it.  Others, maybe not that interested. 

I also, didn’t ask much of my BMs.  My Maid/Matron of Honor was great at offereing help.  My mom did a lot too.  I guess I didn’t want to burden people too much.  Oh, and I was a bit of a control freak, so had no problem doing it all myself.

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