How to keep going when ex is being hurtful

posted 4 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee

First, block him. 

Then, get him out of your mind. What really helped me with my manipulative, gaslighting ex was to think of something negative about him every time I thought about him. Our minds tend to think about all the good times after a break up. But force yourself to think of a negative quality of his for every good thing that comes to mind. That really helped to shift my brain.

Post # 17
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Step 1: Realize and accept that he is a narcissist, and he’s not going to change. Ever.

Step 2: Either discuss your concerns with your therapist about them knowing each other (personally, I feel like this is a HUGE conflict of interest) or change therapists.

Step 3. Go find that person you were before he came along and grow from there.

*hugs* Bee. This sounds incredibly rough, but you CAN get through this…with some help from a good therapist and a lot of self love. <3

Post # 18
Member
4927 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Block him, quit talking to him. That’s the first step. As long as you keep talking to him there’s no sense in complaining about his bad treatment of you. 

Post # 19
Member
775 posts
Busy bee

ahsoka :  

He sounds like a bully.

And the thing about bullies is that they are cowards. They thrive on the weakness of others; they have no strength of their own.

And when you show him that you actually are strong and are not intimidated by him, he will lose his power and you will see him for who he really is. It’s your own sense of how great and powerful he is that is keeping you stuck. Look those beliefs in the face and tell them to piss off.

Then – do absolutely anything you need to do to get your own sense of sanity back. I am pretty sure that part of that is going to be having no contact with him for a long while, maybe forever. So if he doesn’t have the decency to leave you alone, then make him leave you alone. Block him. Don’t answer his calls or read his messages. Get some peace and quiet.

He thinks he can harass and insult you? Screw him, and everyone who wants to believe what he has to say. The people who love you and are loyal to you know who you are and will still love you and be loyal to you when this has all blown over.

You can find other jobs, other friends, another life. He definitely doesn’t own everything in the world. Not even close.

Focus only on what matters right now: getting your peace of mind back and being happy again. Nothing else, and certainly nothing that has anything to do with him, is important right now.

Post # 20
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2019

No contact. Rip him off like a bandaid!

Post # 21
Member
1223 posts
Bumble bee

ahsoka :  sounds like he’s projecting onto you and lashing out to make himself feel like less of a POS for dumping you right before your wedding.

He can’t stand that you’re being so level-headed and it probably really irks him that you’re being so nice because it probably makes him feel worse. So he’s taking it out on you.

Stop giving him the opportunity.

Block him everywhere and cut him off.

You will never heal if you don’t. I seriously mean that. I’ve been there and done it and the only way I felt better was blocking and forgetting about him 

PS seeing what an asshole he is being and getting angry at how he has treated you is a good way to start getting over him. Anger was the only thing that kept me from trying to get back with my ex. 

Post # 22
Member
6780 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Block him.

You don’t want him back–for all the reasons you listed. You can’t control what he says about you but you can control his access to you. So take back what control you have.

Do find a new therapist if you don’t feel yours can be objective. You gave up a lot for this man–take it back!! Focus on you. Hugs. 

 

Post # 23
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

ahsoka :  Yes I have been there and I did recover. I was with my ex from the age of 17 to 39. And this man is “Mind fucking” you and those are words my therepist had told me. 

1. Find a new therepist. I don’t care if he can’t “talk” to your ex about you. I would be hesitant to even share details with them.

2. Take control of YOUR life. Remember it’s not his. You don’t have to answer to him. You don’t have to talk to him. Your done!!!

3. DELETE his number. You don’t need it anymore. If you block it, it will be in your phone. Just delete it so you don’t have it. I know this sounds silly but trust me there is a method to this madness.

4. Block him on everything. If you have any of HIS friends on your social media, unfriend them. 

5. Tell your family and friends you don’t want to hear ANYTHING about him and vice versa. Don’t mention his name and your name should not come out of their mouth’s. You may think they wouldn’t but in passing it could happen.

Bee you have the strength to take back your life you just need that push. If I recall you two were together for a long time and he had that time to manipulate you and mold you into who he wanted. So in this month’s time your not just going to take year’s and year’s of this and just stop it. But you are doing the right thing by asking what you need to do. Know that you have the control now. And let me tell you the day you know this is the uplifting day. I remember feeling it and it was a weight lifted off my shoulders and it was amazing. You can do it. 

Post # 24
Hostess
1750 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

 After we broke up my ex was an asshole when I moved on. I did everything I could to stop him from contacting me: changed my number, blocked him everywhere, even his emails.

I suggest you do the same.

Post # 25
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - City, State

As others said, you have to go no-contact. Also, try not to think about how he MIGHT be talking you down to others. Yeah, he might be, but maybe he is not. It doesn’t matter. Those who know you will see right through his bullsh*t talk. What I found very helpful was to write down everything my ex did to me that was awful, and I looked back on that list several times. Trust me, the further out you get from this, little things are going to pop up in your head, and you’ll think, “Wow, he actually did that too…” I would be showering or doing dishes and some situation would just pop into my head, and I’d realized that I really had rose-colored glasses on when he did and said really weird stuff that I had originally blamed myself for. Also, once you have enough time under your belt and move on, it is going to feel SOOOO darn good! 

Post # 26
Member
1116 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

I have somewhat been through this and I am sorry that you are too. I have an idea of how awful it feels. I had a really really hard time going no contact because I still cared about him so much even after all the shitty treatment. But in the end it was what it took to finally start doing better. I still have residual really slow self esteem between him and how badly I was treated by another ex but it’s gotten better. When I went no contact I focused really hard on my friends and family to get through. I deleted all of the ways I had of contacting that person and it helped too. I’m going to admit it took awhile to not want to talk to him. Probably longer than it should have but over time the urge got less and less. And today he’s just a memory of an awful time in my life. I hope over time your ex can be just a memory too.

Hugs. If you want them

Post # 27
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

ahsoka :  So other bee’s have covered blocking him and stopping contact, so I won’t.  What I wanted to say is when I read your post, I kept hearing your self-worth in the toilet.  You’re apologizing all over the place, calling yourself names, saying how pathetic you are.  This is not healthy.  Your dialogue is ongoing in your head, constantly.  You can block an ex and not let them lash out, but you need to address your terrible inner dialogue. Otherwise, long after your ex is gone, you’ll keep hearing his words and never be able to leave them behind.  If you need help, find a therapist that is focused on building YOU up. 

Post # 28
Member
775 posts
Busy bee

bluecandy :  

I agree with this so much.

I also noticed how much the OP was talking herself down and berating herself in her post.

OP, no one, and I really mean NO ONE, should ever have the power to make you think of yourself this way and talk to yourself like this.

If I were you, I really would spend some time treating yourself lovingly and kindly and deprogramming all of the negative self-talk that you have picked up along the way. You will be amazed at how much happier you can feel if you can recognise these negative thoughts about yourself, stop them in their tracks and redirect your thoughts to something empowering and affirming.

Hugs to you. You’ve got this.

Post # 29
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee

Block him on social media, delete his friends and family, take his number out of your phone, block his calls … start moving on.  Stop caring what he thinks.  I went through this with an ex and even though he left me he ended up making me the bad guy to mutual friends when I wouldn’t take him back ???  Oh well, I moved on.  

Post # 30
Member
6233 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

This line right here “he had hoped that if things got bad enough, I would just leave.” And you didn’t, OP. THAT is where you need to make your change moving forward- starting with him.

There need to be things that get people kicked out of your life (and out of your heart, out of your bed, out of your phone). Being endlessly unconditionally loving is for mamas and saints and even mothers need to have a “fuck that and fuck you” boundary.

Your post sounds like you didn’t have one. There was nothing bad enough to make you enforce a boundary and even now, your ex still has access to you. Despite being an asshole. Despite being an EX.

Yes to blocking him on everything. Imagine he died if you have to. Just stop granting him access to your life and mind- however possible.

I hope your work in therapy is really beneficial to you. You sound like someone who wants to give a lot of loving care to the people you love. But you need to be one of the people you love, too. And you don’t sound like you’re there, yet.

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