How to keep going when ex is being hurtful

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Please go no contact, please. Do it for yourself and your mental health.

 

My ex was similar. Selfish, took and never gave, gaslit me like crazy to the point I questioned my (very real and valid) feelings, had no remorse for his actions, even said the same thing — when I asked why is he with me if he would treat me in such a way, he said, “Then just leave and end it!”… with an apology later and him promising to be better, giving a sad story of how he was broken and he needed me. 

 

Long story short, I did end it. And I didn’t just end it. I started an entirely new life that he had no hand in. I blocked him on every single platform. I went no contact. In the span of one day, I packed everything I had and I moved myself and my dog in with a friend for three months while I got my plans in order. I got a job in a different state and moved hundreds of miles away. I started painting watercolors. I bought houseplants to care for. I started taking vacations and traveling. I went to farmers markets and museums.

 

It was scary and exciting. It was unknown, and unfamiliar, and yet it was the best thing I could have done. I ended up meeting the love of my life, to top it all off. And the best part is, he met me in my “new chapter” after I learned how to love myself and my life again.

 

You deserve a beautiful, fulfilling life, where you put yourself and your dreams and your goals first. Where you love yourself wholly again. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it will with time. Do this and the rest will come.

Post # 33
Member
8306 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

How are you going dear OP? Do check in here if you feel like it won’t you? . Here we are. 

 

ahsoka :  

Post # 35
Member
6635 posts
Bee Keeper

ahsoka :  What a great update, Bee!! Lots of hugs. 

Post # 36
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

Bribe yourself. Like buy yourself some Starbucks or something every time or every day (Depends on how much you are interacting) that you ignore him.

Maybe get a cupcake with cherry on top after you’ve survived an entire week ignoring this fool. 

Incentives work. Also, you will realize how much more important Starbucks is to you than he is. Then he will just become insignificant to you.

Post # 37
Member
8818 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

ahsoka :  Ok so you’re not going to block him then? That’s been the unanimous advice for 3 pages. 

Post # 39
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

 coffeecakez :  love what you said so much, I might put it onto and inspirational meme.

 

ahsoka :  so glad to read your updates, please keep the, up if they help. Sending waves of support via the internet,

Post # 40
Member
5534 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I do worry that you are using the business thing as an excuse to maintain contact with him. Didn’t you say in another thread that he didn’t even pay you for the 3 years you helped him with his business? How much can you need to be involved if you weren’t even taking any money from it? 

I honestly think unless someone is running a massive company then continuing to run a business together after a broken engagement then it’s best to just part in a business sense too, it is not going to end well for your well being. ahsoka :  

Post # 42
Member
707 posts
Busy bee

ahsoka :  

You sound absolutely terrific, and getting stronger by the day. 

Please don’t feel you need to justify to everyone here why you didn’t take this or that advice, or defend your actions. Don’t give in to that temptation. It’s for you to make the decision that’s right for you.

Trust your own wisdom.

Post # 43
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

ahsoka :  such a good update, this last ine. So helpful & insightful. Thsnk-you for continuing to share!

Post # 44
Member
8818 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

ahsoka :  It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought and self-reflection into this, bee, and you are really using a crappy situation as a learning experience. Good on you. I’m sorry for being short with my note about blocking him. You are doing what’s right for you, at the pace that’s right for you. You are strong, you are brave, and you are wise. You will find someone who deserves you. Don’t settle for anything less.

Post # 45
Member
850 posts
Busy bee

ahsoka :  My fiancés ex wife is like your ex. Sadly, he’s stuck with her a few more years, because they have kids together. He thanks me every day for coming into his life; he’s my best friend, and he’s one of the kindest people I know, and it bewilders me how she can be so mean. She got her divorce, and her freedom, but she’s still not satisfied. She’s bad mouthed him to their mutual friends, but you know what? None of them wants anything to do with her. They all sided with him. I think what angers her the most is he’s happier than he’s ever been. 

Thank your lucky stars you didn’t marry this man and have kids. You got away just in time! You’re not stuck with him for 18 years. Find a man who loves you, and builds you up. You’ll look back on your ex, and ask yourself how you put up with him as long as you did. There’s no excuse to allow him to continue to control your emotions. Don’t worry about what he says about you to others; people who know you both know the truth. You’re letting him emotionally blackmail you. Put a stop to it by cutting off all contact. 

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