Post # 1
Hello, I have been lurking for a while but I want to ask you something.
I am 36 and he is 34, the timeline I set in my mind was last year on our 3rd anniversay but he didn’t have a job so I push it back but our 4th anniversary is approaching, on January 3rd and I am struggling to keep being positive for the Holidays and our approaching anniversary while knowing that if nothing happens I will walk.
How do you do it? I am really trying not to say anything about it.
and also, any experiences on getting over these waiting hell if he actually proposes? I feel like I would still feel a bit of resentment, have this happened to you?
Post # 2
- Wedding: December 1969 - City, State
Have you two seriously discussed marriage before? It doesn’t sound like he is aware of your walkdate (“timeline I set in my mind”) and I’m not sure why you think you shouldn’t say anything. Have an honest talk with him about your future if you haven’t already.
Post # 3
gillix : All the sad posts here are of women who are like, “I’m trying not to say anything about it”.
Well how do you expect to get married if you can’t communicate your feelings and needs? IA with @kiss you need to have a talk with him about the future. He should at least have a say
Post # 4
Communicate with him. Tell him your goals and what you would like in the future. It sounds like this is really bothering you but he may not have a clue? I don’t think that women should spend their time fretting about ‘pushing’ their partner or putting ‘pressure’ on them. He’s a grown man and should be able to talk about future plans without feeling like it is ‘pressure’. It has been 4 years. if he doesn’t see marriage in the future with you by now, best to talk it out and then make arrangments to leave (if marriage is not compromisable for you) in an adult manner.
Post # 5
Every times I read a post like this (and there are far too many like this) all I can think is that if you are ready to walk on X date, you should walk now.
You shouldn’t be getting engaged when you have one foot out the door. And you shouldn’t have to wait in the dark wondering when that engagement will happen. Marriage is a huge decision and a major commitment. If two people are considering it then they should be able to communicate freely about it without worrying about if they are pressuring. It’s not pressure it’s communicating about your life and your future. You deserve to be an equal part in that conversation.
I dated my husband for 7 years before a proposal. How I did it is by having a partner who was always willing to communicate with me and never kept me in the dark wondering when a proposal will happen or if it will happen.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2017 - Wedgewood Tower Club
I bit my tongue every time I thought about talking about it, talked to a friend, or sought empathy from this website. However, DH and I were on the same page about engagement and I knew for a fact it would come eventually.
Are you guys at all in the same page about getting engaged? Men are many things, but a mind reader is not among them.
Post # 7
been there, done that. searching for ways to keep the resentment at bay … trying to find ways to wait “patiently”. Guess what? Doesn’t work. You can’t wish away resentment, you can only ignore it, but believe me, it’s there and it WILL come out in the weirdest of ways, becaue it’s sitting there in your subconcious. As for patience? Again, you can’t really buy yourself patience. You’re losing patience because you’re READY for something. You can’t make yourself unready if you’re ready to be married to this man. Think back to when you first started dating… chances are, even if you knew you wanted to marry him within the first few months, you still had plenty of patience, right? Because there was time. Well, after a few years of dating, especially when you’re of age to marry, you are way past your readiness to marry. You’ve BEEN ready. And honestly, the only way these feelings can be cured is if you actually get engaged and married, or if you leave him. Don’t make the mistake I made of waiting around. He’s plenty old enough to propose, to make it happen, and if he’s dragging his feet, you don’t know if he ever will come around. And guess what? just because you break up with someone, doesn’t mean you won’t end up back together. if he really wants to marry you, he will still come around and ask you, without the official title of “boyfriend and girlfriend”, if you are still the woman he wants to be with, and if he wants to marry at all. (some men actually don’t) But DON’T wait around. the sourness from the resentment and impatience will just sour the relationship. I reccomend getting out now, so you can save what’s good and left of the relationship, in case you do reconcile later. But take everybody’s advice, including mine, with a grain of salt!
Post # 8
I agree. I do want to add though, I am not one of thoes Bees who looks down on other Bees for being anxious about waiting. I am sort of waiting myself! But it’s not right if youc annot talk to your fiance about it. Hint: One of the main points of being married is to have someone you can talk about anything with, especially the serious stuff. If you cannot talk to him about getting engaged, your relationship doesn’t sound stable and healthy. Give him the benfit of the doubt and believe that he will be receptive to you inquiring about a timeline.
Post # 9
He actually proposed three days after I wrote the post! He wanted to wait until Christmas but couldn’t do it. In the past we had talked about getting married, he had told me he wanted to but never mentioned a timeframe for it and I didn’t want to give an ultimatum because I didn’t want to feel I pressured for it, but when we reached year 3 I talked honestly with him about how I felt enough time had passed and for the past year I made myself the promise of not mentioning it again, he did know.
Thank you for your insight, it helped me reading your different points of view (pre-proposal).
I appreciate it.
Post # 10
CONGRATULATIONS! I am so so glad he has and you are now engaged. I know how much waiting sucks so I am relieved for you haha