(Closed) How to know if you need to break off your engagement?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First of all, you are not a horrible person. You can not help how you feel and if you are not sure that he’s the one it’s probably best that you do not marry him. If you need space, take it. Staying with him and eventually getting married when there is no real love there will only hurt both of you much more in the long run.  Like you said, you are young and it is understandable that you are not ready to make such a huge commitment. Don’t stay with him out of guilt or because you do not want to hurt him. Do what your heart is telling you. In the end it will be what’s best for everyone. Good luck, hun!

Post # 4
4824 posts
Honey bee

In a situation like this, if you have to ask, its probably not for you. You dont need a “real reason” if you arent feeling it.

Post # 5
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have friends that dated in college, were apart for 8 months because the bf wanted to date other people (ironically, came back to the gf after a few months and said, ok, I’m ready now!  and she said, sorry, dating someone else) before getting back together.  They dated about 7 years, and have been married almost 7 years now.  It is possible you will end up together if you break up, it just may not be likely.  You need to think about what is right for you and what you’ll regret more.  It could just be cold feet, it could be it’s not right – only you know so search your heart.

ETA: Don’t be pressured (by him or anyone else) into doing what you “ought” to do.

Post # 6
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I was in a simliar position several years ago. We weren’t engaged but we had been together close to 5 years at the time I started having “doubts”. You are not a horrible person and at least you respect him enough to not jump into a marriage with questionable doubts. 

Something I learned through my whole ordeal is that i found myself comparing my feelings to what others around me were feeling with their significant others or what I use to feel when we first started dating. I think it’s important to remember that that falling “in love” feeling is not suppose to last. Those “in love” feelings are the exact feeling portrayed on tv or in the movies. But it’s natural and normal for those feelings to subside, but of course not completely disappear. True love really exceeds beyond that. It’s more about being happy with the person you’re with, being with someone that you cannot image spending a day without. I think it’s important to consider why you fell in love with your fiance to begin with, not just the I got tingles and what not, but truly consider what made you want to be with this person. I think once you start thinking about this stuff, the answer will come. 

You just have to remember that a relationship/marriage takes work. You have to stop comparing yours to what you think you’re suppose to feel or what you see on tv. 

I got over it and am now engaged to him and cannot wait to be married!! I wish you the best of luck! 

Post # 7
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I think if you have to question it, and recognize that maybe you’re not “in love” with him – you should postpone the wedding, and seek counselling or time apart before continuing on with the engagement.  When you’re this young and you’ve been together this long, marriage seems like the next logical step, but sometimes it isn’t right. 

Post # 8
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My Fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years now; we started dating in my last year of high school.

I totally remember being where you are now, in terms of thinking that we might date other people someday and not being 100% on the certainty of “us.” We discussed it and landed on whatever happens, happens.  In our case, we stayed together through the curiosity phase, and in the end I don’t feel like I missed out on anything.

HOWEVER, if he wanted me to marry him at 22 and I felt pressured into it, we would not be together. Seriously. Maybe you’ll stay together, maybe you won’t, but now is clearly not the time for you to make such a huge committment. I moved in with my Fiance before I was ready and it was terrible. I wanted to strangle him. I was 21 and made it really clear that I wasn’t ready, but he was having a great time and kept pushing it. After a few months he moved out. Me agreeing to do something that I was not ready for was killing our relationship and though telling him that I needed him to move out was hard, everything improved after he did.

You need to be on the same page with big step stuff like this. We moved in together for good when I was 23 and it was the easist transition in the world. Once both parties are on board, things feel right.

Post # 9
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

If you have to ask then you probably already know.  You said it yourself, I think you already know what you should do. 

If you do not know if you are in love with him then that is your answer.  You are still really young and if you dont break this off it will only hurt both of you more in the long run.

Good Luck this wont be easy

Post # 10
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Simply asking this question is a pretty good indication that you should consider breaking it off.  This is forever we’re talking about.  You should have zero doubts in your mind that this is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.  Not just ‘love’, but IN love, absolutely crazy about, can’t live without him kind of in love.  Don’t settle.

Good luck.  It’ll be hard but you WILL get through this!

Post # 11
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@country88:  if you have any kind of desire to aggressively flirt with other men or text/call them..or just miss dating/single life…then marriage is not for you yet. However, you have to know that you may never find a guy like your current Fiance…and you have to really be okay with letting him go forever. Things COULD work out after some brief time apart and you COULD end up back together…but in my experience, I have seen, once that trust is broken, and you are apart for awhile, he may fall out of love with you and move on to someone else. So I’d be really careful before wanting to take a break…it could very easily be a forever breakup. However, that is not a reason to stay – you should stay bc you have no urge to date anyone else, and want to be with him and only him, emotionally and physically, for the rest of your life. 

Post # 12
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I would seek counseling to help figure out what you really want and what you’re missing in your life that’s making you feel this way.  You could very well not be ready for marriage, but I wouldn’t throw a great relationship away without seeing someone. 

For what it’s worth, I think “if you have to ask…” is pretty true.  I get anxious/nervous about my wedding day but have no doubt I want to be with my Fiance for the rest of my life!

Post # 13
1104 posts
Bumble bee

You’re not a terrible person!

I’d suggest you read “The Conscious Bride” (there’s a website too). I found it very helpful. When I was about your age, Darling Husband and I got engaged. I got major cold feet after a couple of months and we called it off. We took a (very short) break and ended up agreeing we had something special we wanted to try and save.

Five years later he proposed (new ring, new everything). We’ve been married two years and are expecting our first baby this year. I love being married to him. And to be honest I credit “The Conscious Bride” with helping me get here. I think it might help you decide what to do (which might end up being different to what I decided, which is totally ok too). If you combine it with counselling all the better. It’s a difficult thing to talk about with friends/family as they tend to be too close to the situation and also so many people will say they “just knew” when they met their “One” it can get confusing and unhelpful 🙂

Good luck – I really do know how you feel and it’s not nice.

Post # 14
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

you are not a horrible person. You seem to need more time. I agree, to take some time to assess. i went through a brief freak out only my 2 closest friends knew about. I def feel 100% after thinking it through over and over again. Not a doubt in my mind now, but oh MAN I went through this phase where I would burst into tears for no reason! Don’t feel bad for second guessing and just pause wher you are in life, he isn’t going anywhere, you take allthe time you need to feel better.

Post # 15
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think marriage is something you have to want, like really want deep inside you..with a particular person…no, it doesn’t necessarily mean eveyrthing has to be worried, some couples probably wonder if they have what it takes to make it last…but the usually still know it’s what they truly want. If you aren’t feeling it…then you can’t do it.

Post # 16
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My now Fiance and I dated five years ago, for a very short time. I knew he was the one, but things were complicated [long story] and we broke up. We ended up dating other people over the course of two years, all the while becoming closer to each other. When both our two year relationships ended, we decided to give it another try. We immediately moved in together, and it nearly tore us apart. We just weren’t ready for it. We both moved back in with our parents, but stayed in a relationship. Now it’s been two years together, and we’ve both grown a lot. It took us five years total to be ready for marriage and living together, but it was worth it. If you feel you need space and time to think, take it. You have no way of knowing if the two of you will work it out or not, but if you’re having doubts, trust your instincts. You never know, a cool off may open your eyes to how much you really love him, and you could get married then. If not, then it’s for the best to know now, rather than while filing for divorce a few years down the road.

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