(Closed) How to let go of being a people pleaser for the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

it’s easy — just focus on what you and fi want.

start tuning people out and telling them no! i usually just smile and nod when people are giving me “suggestions” for the wedding.

Post # 4
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Elope–or entertain the thought, even for a moment. When you think about your wedding without the big planning period or any of the extras and strip it down to what it really is–you and your SO getting married!–the details don’t matter as much, and neither do the naysayers who are trying to make you do what they want. When you step back from that, it’s easy to say, “This is what matters. This is what I want,” etc.

Post # 5
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

When it comes to your supervisor, I think you have to decide based on her impact to your career:  if she isn’t invited, does she have the power to stunt your career growth?  Are you considering staying at the job long term, and will her feeling snubbed make day-to-day life hell?  Is she likely to come at all?

I think you may have to think about inviting her as a career move, not a people-pleasing move.  If it would benefit you in the long run, invite her!  If you plan to quit soon or her opinion doesn’t make a difference, don’t.  Also, you say she never comes to anything you invite her to, so maybe it’s worth it to send an invite and bank on her not coming?

Post # 6
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Just deal with one thing at a time. otherwise you will overhwelm yourself.  Just do whhat fits your budget and style. Forget about pleasing people because you’ll never please everyone no matter what  you do

Post # 7
Member
6830 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Take one thing at a time and start just ignoring requests from others. Do what you and your Fiance want. For your supervisor don’t invite if she doesn’t come.

Post # 8
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Ryansgirl: I can sympathize with you because I am the same way. Trying to please everyone is stressful and mind boggling. When I start thinking about what other people want, I take a step back and think about what it is that we want. I still can’t help but wonder how others would feel or how it would affect others. It is a toughy. Sorry I am not much help but just want you to know that you aren’t alone!

Post # 9
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Ryansgirl: I am totally with you! I’m a big people pleaser too and it’s really come out of me for this wedding!! Sometimes it’s good and other times it drives me crazy too.

In My Humble Opinion about your questions…

-children – it’s something that is a tough subject and was a hard decision for me to make for sure! I feel bad that several of my friends and family w. children may be upset that I am deciding on not having children at the wedding and I haven’t gotten to meet some of their children or seen them in a while (which I’d love to do!) Though for me…we are having an evening wedding at a hotel and to me that’s just not exactly a time/place which is great for children.  Also, we are not having any children in the ceremony either nor can we afford the extra cost feed them at the wedding too (I’m doing all I can to invite the adults I am inviting…) as we’re on a budget and paying for just about our whole wedding and honeymoon.

The only way you may be able to ‘get around’ the children thing is if you decide to include certain children in your ceremony – like the flower girl…ring bearer or Jr. groomsman, Jr. Bridesmaid.  Otherwise, it’s kind of an ‘all or nothing’ deal.

As for open bar – that’s great if you can afford anything to your guests! πŸ™‚ As for having a cash bar – that’s what you have to do sometimes and it’s okay! πŸ™‚ I’m having a cash bar too. I wish I could afford to pay for some of the tab, but we just can’t.  If guests are mad b/c they have to pay for their own drinks…sorry, but that’s their problem! πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰

As for work people….that’s another thing that sort of should be made like the children decision -all or nothing. Plus, if you don’t invite your direct supervisor (and don’t care for her to boot) then don’t invite her. πŸ™‚ Like the children scenerio, we’re not having anyone from work attend our wedding either.

We had to draw the line somewhere on how to cut down on guests and that’s what we did – no kids and no co-workers.  Then we even limited who is allowed a plus 1. 

Yes…you do have to stop people pleasing at some point and be happy about it. πŸ˜‰ I’m still learning that myself.

I am realizing that it IS tough to be okay with family/friends that may be miffed or upset or whatever b/c we aren’t having kids or co-workers or open bar at all at the wedding….and if that’s the case…then unfortunately for them – too bad!

I think I’ve done a lot to try and accommodate my guests, personally, that I made a point to have our wedding AND reception at a hotel so that my guests (esp. those that are OOT) won’t have to travel between locations and it’s easier on them!

Though we can’t afford a beef dish for the meal, I chose chicken and a veggie dish (making a point to offer a vegetarian meal for those guests who are or may want something other than a ‘meat’ dish.) Which to me is being respectful of the guests… 

Also, doing all I can to remind my guests of the info. for the wedding by telling them ahead of time about our wedding website where they can find the hotel info. etc. and all the other details for the wedding and whether or not they have computers, I STILL printed out the info. to still include w. the invites!

so..sigh!..haha. You aren’t alone!

Good luck! (huge hugs!)

Hope you find your balance. πŸ˜‰

Post # 11
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Ryansgirl: (hugs!) Hope you also find peaceful sleep soon! πŸ™‚ (I’ve had my share of restless nights b/c of wedding planning too..)

Good luck! πŸ™‚

 

Post # 12
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I definitely hear you on this one! I can be a people pleaser at times too. What I tell myself is that I will never be able to make everyone happy, especially when it comes to a wedding….we are having over 300 guests and someone is bound to be unhappy. So I tell myself that my Fiance and and I should be happy on our wedding day no matter what, and if others are unhappy, too bad for them!

Post # 13
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This is what you do:

You don’t worry about them, you don’t ask ANYONE’S advice except your Fiance. Any input you smile and nod and keep on moving.

YOU WILL NOT PLEASE EVERYONE. Accept that, realize it, and focus on YOUR day. For people like you (I’m like this too) you really have to learn how to be selfish. For you selfish is probably just not too nice (normal) so practice that and don’t ask anyone what THEY think, do what YOU WANT. Good luck girl!

Post # 14
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

I’m so in the same boat!! I’m such a people pleaser and I grew up with my mom telling me how selfish I am when I wanted something, so now with the wedding when I want something that maybe no one else cares about, or I want something that our families don’t like I feel so horrible. But I’m sticking to my guns with the no kid thing and menu (which my mother is just impossible on). My SO and I are paying for EVERYTHING!!! From the rehearsal to the honeymoon. I know how hard it is, but like other posters have said, just nod and smile when they give you opinions or tell you something you should change, and in the end do what you and Your Fiance want.

As for the coworker thing, I am in the same situation, except with someone who’s not a supervisor. I think that if she will have some bearing on your career and life will be so difficult afterwards for you that you should invite her. But if in the end, if she’s not invited and your life won’t change very much at work if she’s does hold a grudge then don’t invite her. What does your Fiance think you should do with her??? 

Good luck on everything and it will all work out!!

Post # 15
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hi, I hope you are doing okay.  I know it’s hard to say NO sometimes, what I’ve been doing is just make a pro and con list.  When all else fails I let my other half make the decision.  Personally I have that conflict too about the co worker and I agree with the earlier comment someone made, only invite if it truly is going to affect your career, plus chances are they won’t even go.  Laughing  Kids, I’m there with you too sister, I think, once again personally, kids from immediate family are more priority than just regular guests.  Family first is my rule.  What you could do is just blame it on the space allowed by the venue, say something on an insert in your invitation like “due to limited space at the venue we are regretful that we have to keep the guest count to adults only”.  I’ve been to 3 weddings so far that have done this and no one had hurt feelings about it and there were kids at the event, but they were either part of the ceremony or immediate family’s children.  I hope this will help, and Congratulations on your upcoming day.

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