Post # 1
So, I’m going to try and keep this as short as possible. I just got engaged about two weeks ago to a wonderful man. However, this will be my second marriage and his third. He’s older than me so he’s lived a little more. My problem is not the amount of marriages or anything like that; its the baggage that I’m carrying from my last marriage. My ex husband was a scum bag. He cheated, drank too much, and he is now pretty much a deadbeat father. My Fiance helps me A LOT with my children, finances, and makes my life all over easier so that I can concentrate on making it through school and being successful. I LOVE him to pieces! But I feel like I am having a really hard time trusting him due to what my ex did to me. He had a baby with someone else while we were married. Although I didn’t find out until about a year after we were separated, it bothered me. I thought that I didn’t really care, but now I can see how his betrayal affected me. Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to marry my Fiance, but when I think about it I start getting panicky, and thinking about all of the things that could change post nuptials. I’m so scared that I’m going to destroy our relationship with my paranoia when he really has done nothing to lose my trust. Has anyone else had an issue like this? If so, how did you overcome it? I’m thinking about seeing a therapist. Any help is appreciated!
Post # 3
you can definitely talk with a counselor, alone and/or with your Fiance. it takes time and good experiences to move past this. ultimately, it’ll be an active decision by you to trsut your Fiance. with anyone, there is always the chance of being hurt. but don’t unintentionally sabotage a good thing in your life out of fear of something that may never happen. good luck
Post # 4
I know where you are coming from. My 1st husband was a worthless person- no job, in & out of jail, dead beat dad, etc… The list goes on & on. When we separated, I spend a year on my own, not dating, to get my head together. It sounds like you have a wonderful man now. Do you want to punish him for the wrong things that another man did to you? I am sure that you don’t. Something that has helped me (I heard on Oprah- I am sorry to say): You are giving your ex your power by letting what he did to you control the choices you make. Take your power back. Make the right choices for you. When you feel the urge to be distrustful with your current fiance, because of what has happened to you- take a deep breath & recognize it for what it is. Eventually, you will move on. These things just take time, but be careful not to ruin what good things you have now.
Post # 5
Definitely go to counseling. These are issues you will have to work through whether you get married again or not.
Post # 6
My exes cheated on me. I was never 100% sure because I never caught them in the act, but I’d say explicit emails is enough for me to move on. I thought I was ready for dating, and once I felt that my baggage might’ve influenced how I felt about my relationships I went straight away to counseling.
I have more than just bad relationships. My perception of males was pretty jacked up. I had something bad to say about every guy in my life. I’ve been abused and hurt by men of all walks of life, but therapy helped me realize the ways my trauma would manifest itself. That’s the point in therapy and counseling, to understand when you have these episodes and how to manage them.
For me, the big three areas I knew I had to work on was self-esteem, understanding my limits, and knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. I didn’t know any of these because of my abuse, so I was easily manipulated and had to gain trust in myself (self-esteem). I knew something was wrong in my heart but I was always so nice and a pushover at times. I always thought I was just being a saint and would be recognized for it, but my exes took me for granted.
When you’ve had a bad experience what it should do is teach you how not to get into that situation, but it never will guarantee that it’ll happen again. Learn, not run. That’s what my counselor told me.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you went through that. Finding happiness can be terrifying when you’ve been traumatised because of what’s been done to your self esteem. Sounds like counselling could be if great idea – I wish you luck.
Post # 8
It can be very helpful to talk to a professional about your fears and anxieties. I never found therapy very helpful, but that’s because I know what they want me to say, so I feel like I shoudl say that, instead of saying how I am feeling. For me, books were really helpful (and more discreet). There are great books out there on overcoming the scars of bad relationships – google the issue. I am sure some good options will pop up (that is if traditional therapy isn’t right for you or not afforable currently).
Post # 9
@FutureMrsHuneyBee: OMG I feel like you just wrote down my lifes story. I am now married to a wonderful whom sometimes still to this day has to fight ghosts from my past. I have come a long way but I still feel a bit of anxiety sometimes.
I did therapy for a while but I have yet to find a therapist that I feel comfortable with. I just starting thinking with my head and not with my emotions. It really has helped because I have so many scars from my past that they bring up these emotions that have nothing to do with my Darling Husband.
Our emotions can get the best of us and take control of our mind is many harmful ways. I had to train myself not to accept what my emotions are telling me and go by facts and his actions. I feel for you so much right now because I almost lost my Darling Husband because of it. 🙁 Please feel free to message me if you need to talk any time.
Post # 10
I just started reading a book I think is really relevant. The first chapter sounds very similar to your story. It’s called radical forgiveness. Give it a shot!
Post # 11
Thank you all for your positive comments! I have a therapist that i feel comfortable with, but i think i will give the books a try first.