(Closed) How to let people know they're not invited without being "X's Bitchy Fiance"

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
47214 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

olivejd:  I would respond privately to any inquiries.

We are both flattered and happy that you expressed interest in attending the wedding. We are however, planning an intimate wedding with dessert and coffee following. We are therefore keeping the guestlist very small. We will be thinking of you as we exchange our vows and hope to see you soon.

Post # 3
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Hmm, are they asking you only? Why aren’t they asking your Fiance if it’s his family and friends?

Maybe at this stage say that you guys haven’t worked out any details yet. It sounds like you guys haven’t nailed down anything yet anyway so it wouldn’t be a lie? You might end up compromising on some things (size, food, etc) even if you want to keep it small, your Fiance might want to invite some people that might have to fly a long way, or he might want to have a dinner or lunch or something? I’m only say this because you mention you’ve been “fighting to keep it small” with Fiance so I assume he might be wanting otherwise?

Whether someone says yes to an invitation is up to them. If they know it’s only dessert and coffee, then they might flag it anyways.

I say get him to answer since it’s his side.

Post # 4
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I agree with pp, it’s his family and friends so he should deal with it.

Post # 5
Member
9561 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I agree with PP… 1. you don’t have details nailed down anyway.  2. your Fiance should handle it.

I’d respond “hey!  So great to hear from you.  We’re still in the process of planning, so I can’t say anything yet.  I’ll let X know you reached out and he’ll be in touch with you as soon as he can.”

If they ask again just repeat “you’ll have to ask X” or “X will tell you as soon as we know”

Post # 6
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Have Fiance help. We also have a huge imbalance in the guest list. His side wants over 100 invites (I think they want to invite their neighbors ect) and my side is less than 20 invites. Oddly, I have more family than him but don’t see the need to invite everyone and the neighbors.

Also, it is his family and everything goes so much smoother when everyone deals with their respective family.

I used cost of wedding to come out with an approximate per person head. It is one thing to invite a lot of people, but another thing when you realize that that this gal you hardly know and a plus one is $400.

And also, anytime anyone doesn’t like anything you are doing they will call you a bridezilla. Don’t let people walk all over you, but do it in the least drama filled way as possible.

 

Post # 7
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee

olivejd: “We haven’t confirmed anything yet and are still planning”.

Post # 8
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Our situation prior to getting married was similar to yours.  We also decided on an intimate low key wedding. We had my husbands family messaging about getting an invite to the wedding. Fortunately, my husband dealt with his family and reinforced that we wanted a small intimate wedding and couldn’t invite everyone. Stick to your guns… It’s your wedding you have to do what’s best for you and your fiancé. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  missveeinlove.
Post # 9
Member
9058 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

How does your Fiance feel about this? You say you have been fighting him to keep it small. You say you have envisioned a small intimate wedding. I am hearing a lot of me,me,me and not a lot of us or him.

Maybe you need to give a little since it is his wedding as well. 

As for responses in the meantime I would go with not having the details worked out yet.

Post # 10
Member
5862 posts
Bee Keeper

olivejd:  hmmm, tread lightly with this one OP, you say you’re fighting Fiance over the small size of the invite list & now relatives and hometown friends of his that you don’t even know are messaging you on FB, sounds to me like Fiance has already passed them off to you. He may be embarrassed to tell them they’re not invited and feel he has the right to pass the buck to you since you’re the one insisting they can’t come, he may even be feeling resentful of you and think ‘fine, let her deal with it’.

I agree with j_jaye, it seems the focus is what you’ve envisioned and not what you’ve decided together.  Wouldn’t even a small budget allow you to include others for coffee and cake? This way you could word it to them “We would love to have you at our wedding. We are, however, planning a simple ceremony with coffee and cake only and for this reason we hesitate to ask people to travel. You are more than welcome, but we also understand if people are unable to come” 

Post # 11
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I find it odd that people are assuming they are invited and are contacting you. Is there a lot about your wedding posted on fb or something?

Post # 12
Member
3183 posts
Sugar bee

I disagree with PP about letting your Fiance handle it. My husband is clueless. Although we said we were having a very small wedding, everytime someone said, “Don’t forget to invite us!” He automatically said, “Sure, of course!” 

Post # 13
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

olivejd:  I agree with Sukii:  and just say you are still early in your planning process and haven’t confirmed details. Once you have sent that and you have hammered all of the details; if they are still not invited then send them julies1949: statement !! That way they know/think that you at least considered inviting them 🙂  I would also send them a wedding announcement after all is said and done.

Post # 14
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You’ve chosen to have a small wedding (perfectly valid choice for lots of reasons) — now you have to tell people who are assuming it’s a regular invite-everyone affair. 

I’d just say, “We’re actually just having a tiny wedding for a bunch of reasons.” 

They are putting you in an awkward position by asking. 

The topic ‘How to let people know they're not invited without being "X's Bitchy Fiance"’ is closed to new replies.

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